Julie Y Barris
My Heart Is Fixated On This One Guy Even When I'm With Someone Else. What's The Deal?
I can't get over him. What's up with me?
During the spring of my freshman year, I fell in love with a senior. At first I passionately hated him since he is the very handsome and cocky type. He was the captain of the soccer team, always casted as a lead in school plays, and is insanely smart and all that jazz. I was casted in a play with him and constantly carpooled with him since we went to the same school. Throughout the production, the one-on-one time we had in the car and between scenes allowed me to get to know him better. It took me a long while and one specific, very deep conversation with him to finally acknowledge that I liked him, and that I was too busy picking out his flaws to notice.
At that point it was four days before opening night, and just a month before the school year ended. I knew that a relationship between the two of us would be impossible and inappropriate, so I just focused on spending as much time as I could with him before graduation. When summer came around, he left for Europe with his best friends before settling in Italy for college. I spent my summer trying to forget him and the fact that I was deeply in love with him. I forgot to mention that when I met him I was very boy crazy and excited to get into a relationship, and that had remained constant throughout the summer and early fall of this year.
So during the entirety of my freshman year, I would find a lot of guys who I found cute and would be willing to date even though I didn’t really like them on an emotional level. It was a little toned down over the summer since I didn’t see as many guys as I would in school, and I was still dealing with moving on from “Fernando.” I talked about him so much to my friends that one of them took up the task of hitting my arm every time I spoke of him. Eventually, I internalized the one million thoughts I have of him every day, for my friends’ sake. I began the year being the boy crazy girl I usually am and pinpointing cute guys in my class. I don’t know what happened over the summer, but now guys actually approach me and flirt with me.
The relationship I’ve dreamed about having in my freshman year, is now tangible. Great guys who happen to be very attractive and smart are attracted to me, but all I can think about is how they can’t even sum up to “Fernando.” Why is the thought of being in a relationship suddenly becomes so anxiously provoking for me? Why can’t I stop comparing other guys in my life to him? I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I know I need help.
Please help me, Julie.
Sincerely, L. Rios
Dear L. Rios,
Wow! This "Fernando" guy sounds so dreamy. I don't even know him, yet I'm curious what he's like in person. The way you talked so fondly of him tells me he meant a lot to you back then and still means a lot to you now. Even if your heart refuses to face that fact now, sooner or later it's going to have to. The good news is, that's not necessarily a bad thing. We meet many people throughout our entire life, some people give us such strong impressions that we probably never will forget them. The thing with your situation is that you need to ask yourself one very #seriousquestion: do you want to pursue him? And why not if your answer is no? What if your answer is yes? Before you make that decision, here are a few things to consider.
What You Can Do
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. You know how sometimes our hearts want what you can't have. Because you guys didn't end up together, it always leaves you wondering what could have been. Well, if you think about this more sensibly, no one person on this earth is perfect. That being said, even if you guys do get to date, it's likely he will disappoint you in some way. The out-of-this-world quality that you perceive he possesses might only be a #mirage after all.
He's not worth giving up opportunities presented to you. His gorgeous body, beautiful smile, and seemingly awesome personality have so far made a huge imprint in your life. I mean come on! Even when you are with other guys, you think of him. BUT, just before you completely cut out all chances of finding the one (unless you think he is the one for you), you need to want to keep your heart open for others to touch it. Fernando may be too far out of reach right now, so train your brain to put him aside for a while, you never know what goodness you end up finding.
Reassess the reason(s) why you guys couldn't be together and remember that well. Is it because he's moved away? Is it because he's with someone else and is not tangible to you at the moment? If it's due to reasons #beyondyourcontrol, then you need to tell yourself, having any sort of relationship with this guy is just impossible right now and it's not smart to dwell on someone who's not going to give you their time of day.
"Just before you completely cut out all chances of finding the one, you need to want to keep your heart open for others to touch it."
Finish your unfinished business. Instead of trying to forget about him, you may think about reaching out to him. After all, what's the harm in that? You guys were friends then and it's always nice to get a friendly "hello" from someone with whom you once bonded. So I say hit him up via his social media accounts. You never know if you've left equally as big of an impression on him as he did on you. He might have kept you close to his heart all this time as well. If your timing is right, he may even be #single and #available. The point is, he may always feel like the one that got away to you if you sit back and do nothing about it.
Your heart wants what it wants at the end of the day. So even if you can't turn off your #obsessivethoughts of him right now, that's okay. It doesn't mean you can't soon in the future. Plus you never know what the future holds for you both. You never know if you guys somehow will #crosspaths again, and when that happens, grasp the opportunity to express to him how you feel. That way you get to stay true to your emotions and you could then go to bed in peace, finally.
#Movingon is hard. But staying put can be a waste of time. Whichever road you choose to go down, be #incisive. The end goal here is to have #zeroregrets. I'll tell you now though, either way, you will be just fine. I suspect in a few years' time you will look back and think how ridiculously brave you were to be so in love with someone you barely knew and for so long. Love is a strange thing, but I kinda like the #fluttering feelings it gives, don't you?
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Julie Y. Barris
Founder | Chief Editor | Advice Guru of Moody Melon Magazine
I am an author, artist, entrepreneur, and a graphic designer with a unique vision to contribute to the world one idea at a time. Besides creating and inventing things, I’m also fascinated by the human mind. I enjoy helping others help themselves by giving them advice on family and relationship matters.