top of page

FOLLOW US

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Threads
  • LinkedIn

Loving on the Edge: How to Stay Connected When Stress Feels Like Abandonment

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 31

For those navigating Borderline Personality Disorder, it can be incredibly hard to stay connected when stress feels like abandonment—when every raised voice or silent moment feels like you're being left behind.

Loving on the Edge: How to Stay Connected When Stress Feels Like Abandonment

For those living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), love doesn’t always feel like comfort. Sometimes, it feels like pressure. Or fear. Or an overwhelming current that threatens to sweep them away just when they need something to hold on to. When someone with BPD is under stress, especially in intimate relationships, their nervous system becomes a battlefield of perceived abandonment and emotional reactivity. And even the gentlest touch or the kindest word can feel like too much—or not enough.


What Stress Feels Like in a Borderline Mind


Under stress, a person with BPD may experience heightened sensitivity, rapid mood shifts, and an intense fear that they are being left behind or rejected. Their inner world becomes flooded with emotion—hurt, shame, confusion—and even loving partners can seem distant or dangerous. They may lash out, shut down, cling too tightly, or push people away before they can be hurt. The emotional volume is turned all the way up, and rational thought becomes harder to access.


Imagine needing love the most precisely when you feel the least lovable.


This isn't manipulation. It's a survival response. The fear of abandonment that defines BPD becomes amplified by stress, leading to behaviors that may look angry, chaotic, or irrational—but are, at their core, desperate attempts to feel safe.



How to Love When You’re Underwater


If you live with BPD, learning to love while stressed isn’t about being perfect. It’s about building bridges between your emotional storms and the people who care about you. Here are a few ways to do that:


  • Name What You Feel, Even If It’s Messy“I feel like I’m being abandoned” is not a failure. It’s a starting point. Naming your emotions helps make sense of the chaos and invites connection.


  • Create Anchor RitualsShort grounding routines—like a daily check-in text, a short walk with your partner, or breathing together before bed—can help soothe the nervous system and remind you you’re not alone.


  • Use ‘Now’ LanguageStress and abandonment triggers often pull us into the past. Try saying, “Right now, I feel scared you’re pulling away,” rather than acting on old pain.


  • Have a Safe Word or SignalCreate a word or phrase that lets your partner know you’re overwhelmed and need time without rejection. This can reduce conflict and shame.


  • Seek Regulated SupportTherapy, DBT skills, or even self-soothing tools like cold water, movement, or journaling can help regulate emotional overload before it spills out.


For the Partner: Presence Over Perfection


If you love someone with BPD, remember: your steadiness matters more than your solutions. Be present, not perfect. When your partner is spiraling, ask questions gently: “How can I stay close without overwhelming you?” Boundaries and compassion can co-exist.



A Love That Learns


Loving with BPD under stress isn’t easy. But it’s not impossible. It’s a love that requires patience, self-awareness, and a whole lot of grace. It’s learning to pause when your brain says run, to reach when your heart says shut down.


Because love doesn’t need to be loud to be true—it just needs to stay.


Eye-Opening Question: What if the key to loving someone with BPD isn't to fix their fear—but to become someone it doesn’t have to fear?


More Related Articles:

Always Too Much, Never Enough: The Lonely Heart of Borderline Struggles

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 30

The lonely heart of Borderline longs deeply for love, yet often fears it the moment it arrives. Even moments of closeness can feel fragile—like love is always one step from disappearing.

Always Too Much, Never Enough: The Lonely Heart of Borderline Struggles

There is a quiet kind of ache that lives in the chest of many who live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It’s the ache of wanting to be loved so deeply it hurts—and the unbearable fear that the love they receive will vanish just as quickly as it came.


For someone with BPD, feeling loved is rarely simple. The very act of receiving love is tangled in confusion: Do they really mean it? Will they still love me tomorrow? What if I mess it up? Am I too much? The craving for connection can be so intense it feels like oxygen, but the fear of abandonment makes every moment of closeness feel like standing at the edge of a cliff—never fully safe, never fully steady.


The Paradox of Connection


BPD is often misunderstood as being about drama or volatility, but at its core, it’s about the painful contradiction between longing for intimacy and being terrified of it. Individuals with BPD often struggle with an unstable sense of self and emotional intensity that can make even minor relationship stress feel earth-shattering.


Love is craved deeply—yet questioned constantly.


This leads to a pattern: idealizing someone one moment, and feeling utterly betrayed by them the next. It’s not manipulation. It’s fear. It’s a desperate attempt to protect a heart that never learned what secure love feels like.



Loneliness with BPD Isn’t Just About Being Alone


To someone with BPD, loneliness feels like invisibility, abandonment, and shame all wrapped together. It’s not just the absence of people—it’s the absence of feeling seen, safe, and held.


Even in a room full of friends or in a committed relationship, a person with BPD might feel unlovable, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected. That kind of loneliness can feel worse than isolation—it’s loneliness in the presence of others, where the soul cries out and no one hears.


Why “I Love You” Doesn’t Always Land


Hearing “I love you” might feel good in the moment, but for someone with BPD, it can quickly unravel: What if they stop? Do they mean it? Why would they love me? The words become unstable, shaky on impact. It’s not that the person with BPD doesn’t want to believe it—it’s that their nervous system often won’t let them.


This isn’t a failure of character. It’s often the echo of trauma, emotional neglect, or invalidation in early relationships—where love may have been inconsistent, unpredictable, or even weaponized.


What Helps?


Understanding and gentle boundaries from loved ones can help, but so can validation, therapy (especially DBT), and inner work that affirms: you are not too much—you were simply taught to fear love because it wasn’t always safe before.


It takes time, but it’s possible to build emotional safety within, and to trust that love doesn’t always have to feel like walking on eggshells.



So here’s the question:


What if the love you thought would leave you… could actually stay—and what would it take for you to believe that’s true?


More Related Articles:

Don’t Leave Me: What Distance Feels Like for Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 19

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often experience intense emotions, unstable relationships, and a deep fear of abandonment. Supporting someone with BPD requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to offer reassurance even when it's hard.

Don’t Leave Me: What Distance Feels Like for Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Imagine standing at the edge of a cliff, screaming for someone to hold your hand—but they’re just far enough away that you can’t reach them, and you're not sure if they’re walking toward you… or away. That’s what emotional distance can feel like for someone living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).


For many, a text message left unanswered or a slight change in tone during a conversation may be brushed off as normal. But for someone with BPD, these moments can ignite a powerful storm of fear, shame, and panic. It’s not about being dramatic. It’s about living with a brain wired to expect abandonment and wired for survival.


The Abyss of Abandonment


At the heart of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment—whether real, imagined, or tiny in nature. To the outside world, it might seem irrational. But for someone with BPD, every sign of distance feels like a prelude to loss. It doesn’t matter if the other person is just busy, tired, or emotionally preoccupied—their absence can feel like a vanishing act. And when that feeling hits, it’s not just emotional. It’s physical. It can feel like free-falling in an empty room, like your chest is hollow, your breath caught somewhere between grief and terror.

This is why distance, even emotional or momentary, becomes so unbearable.



The Need for “Too Much” Reassurance


You might hear someone with BPD say things like:


  • “Are you mad at me?”

  • “Do you still love me?”

  • “You’re going to leave, aren’t you?”


It’s not manipulation—it’s self-protection. Because when your inner world is a battleground between needing closeness and fearing it will disappear, reassurance becomes a lifeline. Repeating, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” might feel excessive to some, but for someone with BPD, it’s like oxygen in an emotional blackout.


Persistence Is the Superpower


What makes the biggest difference? Consistent, compassionate presence.


Comfort that shows up over and over, even when it feels repetitive. Not perfection—just persistence. A quiet message that says, “You’re not too much. I’ll stay with you through the waves.”


Whether you're a therapist, partner, friend, or family member, your grounded presence helps rewrite the narrative. You’re offering a counter-voice to the inner scream that says, “Everyone leaves.”

Sometimes it’s not about finding the perfect thing to say. Sometimes it’s about showing up again tomorrow. And the next day.


But what if they push you away when you try again and again?


Well… try again.


If you love or care about this person deeply—even if part of you feels annoyed, frustrated, or hurt in the moment—keep showing up. That consistency, even in the face of rejection, is what's needed most. That’s what begins to undo the lifelong story of abandonment. That’s what ultimately brings you closer.



So here’s the question:


If someone’s heart is built like a room with too many exit signs, are you willing to be the person who keeps coming back in?


More Related Articles:

bottom of page