Setting Boundaries With Your Parents Is Not Selfish — It’s Self-Loving

The truth is, as much as we may want to stand by our parents, sometimes it’s more important to stand up for ourselves. Because the reality is, not all parents are supportive or able to show up in the ways we truly need. Whether it’s helicopter parenting, emotional immaturity, absence, or anything in between, there’s often a common thread: our emotional needs, sense of safety, and security weren’t fully met in childhood.

Sometimes we need to fall in order to learn, something that overly controlling parents often struggle to allow. We may crave privacy, needing to keep certain parts of ourselves just for us, a concept that emotionally immature or overly dependent parents might not grasp. And sometimes, we just need to hear that someone is proud of us, words our absent parents may never be able to give.

No matter the dynamic between parent and child, we realize that our purpose in life isn’t to constantly seek their approval or earn the title of “good daughter” or “good son”. Our existence is meant to be lived authentically: full of risks, mistakes, heartbreaks, lessons, and evolution. But in order to self-actualize, we must give ourselves the space to grow.

Why Is It Important to Set Boundaries?

The interesting thing about boundaries is that they often need to be set with the people closest to us. None of us makes it through childhood entirely unscathed. We all carry core wounds, many of them knowingly or unknowingly caused by our parents. These wounds follow us into adulthood and impact how we show up in the world.

But the healing we need can’t begin until we allow ourselves the space to process and repair. That’s where boundaries come in. We realize that loving ourselves doesn’t mean we love them any less. That standing up for our needs doesn’t make us ungrateful for their sacrifices. Choosing to leave home or draw a line in the sand isn’t selfish; it’s self-loving.

Because only when we honor our truest selves can we genuinely show up for those around us. As long as resentment or guilt lingers, we stay trapped in a painful tug-of-war, torn between betraying ourselves or betraying them. But when we choose ourselves with compassion and courage, we begin to break that cycle and open the door to the respect, love, and freedom we need to truly thrive in our own lives.

Click to Learn About Simple, Daily Practices for Managing Stress

What Does Setting Boundaries Look Like?

One of the biggest sources of guilt when setting boundaries is saying “no” to our parents. The moment we do, we’re often consumed by a fear of disappointing them or feeling like we’re being ungrateful.

But it’s important to remind ourselves that saying “no” isn’t an act of rejection, it’s an act of self-preservation. When communicated with clarity, our boundaries can actually deepen mutual understanding and create a more loving relationship. Setting boundaries might sound like:

• “I won’t be able to visit this holiday — I’ve been working hard and really need some time to rest and recharge.”

  
  

• “I understand that you want me to stay in school and pursue this degree, but my heart is calling me in a different direction, and I need to honor that.”

  
  

• “I’m not ready to talk about my personal life just yet. I promise I’ll open up when I have more clarity.”

  
  

These kinds of statements communicate compassion, respect, and consideration, not defiance. At the end of the day, most parents want what’s best for you, even if their version of “best” doesn’t perfectly align with yours.

By expressing that you value their presence while also advocating for your own time, space, and truth, you give them the opportunity to support you in ways that feel good to both of you.

How to Handle Situations When Boundaries Are Overstepped

The truth about boundaries is that they’re more for you than for the other person. No matter who you’re setting them with, even your parents. Each time we advocate for our needs, even at the risk of disappointing someone, we strengthen our self-worth. When someone oversteps a boundary, it’s a form of disrespect to you. But this awareness is here to empower you. When your boundary is crossed, it’s up to you to clearly address it. Sometimes, assertiveness is necessary. That might mean saying, “This felt like a violation of what I expressed, and I need you to respect that moving forward.”

In some cases, taking space from your parents can be necessary to protect your mental health. That doesn’t mean cutting them off permanently. But a temporary pause in communication can help you restore peace and clarity. What matters is communicating this choice in a calm yet firm way, so everyone understands why that space is needed.

Conclusion

Boundaries aren’t about punishment or pushing people away. They’re about preservation. Setting them is an act of self-respect, self-care, and self-love. When we choose to protect our peace and mental well-being, we are choosing to honor ourselves at the deepest level.

At times, we may wonder why we have to be the ones to lead these conversations or “be the bigger person.” But there’s power in realizing we’re not doing it to please others, we’re doing it to protect our own peace. When we make that shift, we step out of the victim mindset and into our power.

We begin to hold the reins of our lives like we’re meant to; without blame, guilt, or resentment, but with clarity, confidence, and love.

---

Niki Kay

Host of the Mindset Mentress Podcast | Guest Writer of Moody Melon Magazine

I'm a writer, podcast host, and entrepreneur focused on self-discovery and transformation. Through my podcast, Mindset Mentress, I share insights on authenticity and growth. Currently pursuing a journalism certification at NYU to enhance my storytelling and impact.

linkedin | instagram

---

More Related Articles:

• Navigating Academic Burnout: Protecting Your Mental Health as a STEM Major

• The Power of Watching Your Children Play: A Simple Act That Can Heal Your Mind

• Wellness Without the Price Tag: 5 Simple Ways to Boost Your Mood and Motivation at Home

• The Tech Overload Trap: Are We Too Connected for Our Own Good?

• Quick and Easy Mindfulness Routine for Busy College Students

Alone in the Crowd: The Hidden Crisis of College Loneliness

Being surrounded by thousands of classmates yet feeling invisible is one of college’s cruelest paradoxes. From packed lecture halls to buzzing residence halls, campus life can look like a nonstop social highlight reel—so why do so many students stay up scrolling, wondering why no one really knows them?

Orientation leaders swear you’ll make lifelong friends in the first week. TikTok shows dorm‐room dance parties on repeat. Yet after the icebreakers fade, you may find yourself eating alone, drifting through conversations that never get past “major and hometown.” You start to ask, Is everyone bonding except me?

Loneliness isn’t an admission of failure; it’s an unmet human need. The ache you feel in your chest when you swipe through Insta Stories on a Friday night isn’t melodrama—it’s your brain signaling it’s wired for connection and not getting enough of it.

The Myth of Automatic Community

We assume proximity equals friendship: put young adults in one place and relationships will bloom. But real connection demands more than shared Wi‐Fi. It takes vulnerability, repeated exposure, mutual effort—ingredients hard to find when classes rotate every semester and everyone’s juggling packed schedules.

Many students hit a lonely wall not because they’re socially inept, but because they expected friendships to form as effortlessly as freshman orientation promised. Spoiler: deep community is built, not assigned.

Social Media: The Mirage That Intensifies the Drought

Your feed isn’t lying—people are hanging out. What it hides is the downtime between snapshots, the awkward “Wanna grab lunch?” rejections, the homesick FaceTimes no one posts. Comparison turns loneliness into shame: If I were more fun, smarter, hotter... I’d be invited too.

Remember: online popularity rarely translates to offline intimacy. Those highlight reels can mask the same isolation you feel.

The Health Cost of Being “Fine”

Persistent loneliness lights up the same pain circuits as physical injury. It spikes cortisol, disrupts sleep, and can nudge mild sadness toward clinical depression. Left unchecked, it chips away at self‐esteem, making it even scarier to reach out—an emotional Catch‐22.

Micro‐Connections: The Antidote You Can Actually Control

Grand gestures aren’t required; consistency is. Try:

● The Two‐Minute Rule: Chat with a classmate before or after every lecture—ask about an upcoming exam, their project topic, a show they’re watching. Two minutes over six weeks equals an hour‐long foundation for friendship.

● Shared Silence: Study in the same spot at the library. Familiar faces breed comfort; comfort opens doors to conversation.

● Interest Stacking: Join clubs that overlap two passions (e.g., hiking and photography). Niche groups accelerate bonding because you skip small talk and dive into shared enthusiasm.

It Can’t Be One‐Sided Work

If you’re always initiating, resentment creeps in: Why am I the planner? Healthy friendship is reciprocal. Notice who follows up, who remembers details, who texts first sometimes. Invest where energy flows both ways.

Conversely, if you rarely initiate, challenge yourself: send one invite a week, even if your voice trembles. Relationships thrive on mutual bids for connection.

When Loneliness Persists, Seek Backup

If weeks pass and the heaviness won’t lift, tap the resources already baked into tuition:

● Counseling Center appointments (usually free or low‐cost).

● Peer‐support groups for transfer students, first‐gen scholars, LGBTQ+ community, or international students.

● Resident assistants trained to notice isolation and plug you into events.

Keeping the Flame of Friendship Alive Amid Midterms

Once connections spark, protect them from academic wildfire:

● Co‐Study Dates: Turn grind time into shared time. Even silent work builds camaraderie.

● Walk‐and‐Talks: Swap coffee meetups for campus loops - movement boosts mood and conversation flow.

● Calendar It: Put “friend maintenance” on the same planning app that tracks quizzes. Intention beats spontaneity when schedules clash.

One Last Question

If you believed loneliness was a signal—not a verdict—that you deserve deeper connection, what brave, small step would you take on campus today to answer that call?

---

Carlie Malott

Crisis Counselor | Guest Writer of Moody Melon Magazine

I’m a junior at Colorado College studying Psychology and Education. Passionate about mental health, I believe normalizing conversations about struggles fosters belonging and hope—values I strive to integrate into all my work.

linkedin

---

More Related Articles:

• Living Beyond Cancer: Confronting the Fear of Recurrence and Staying Grounded

• Going Flat: A Cancer Survivor’s Bold Choice in a Society That Wants More

• Ditch FOMO and Embrace JOMO: A Mental Health Perspective on Finding Peace and Connection

• How Borderline Personality Disorder and Stress Intertwine – And What You Can Do About It

• The Healing Power of Play: How Video Game Therapy Can Help Heal Depression from Unresolved Trauma

The Armor We Outgrow: Learning to Let Vulnerability In

Learning to let vulnerability in isn’t about being weak—it’s about being brave enough to show up as your full self, even when it feels uncomfortable. The path to deeper connection begins with learning to let vulnerability in, gently replacing old armor with authentic presence.

From a young age, many of us learn that vulnerability equals weakness. We’re taught to “be strong,” “hold it together,” and “never let them see you cry.” Whether through subtle cultural messages or direct experiences of being shamed or ignored when we opened up, we internalize the belief that showing our pain makes us less worthy, less capable, and less safe.

So we adapt. We toughen up. We smile through sadness. We perfect the art of small talk to avoid the heaviness of real talk. And we wonder why we feel so disconnected, even in rooms full of people.

But what if vulnerability isn’t weakness? What if it’s actually the bravest thing we can offer?

What Vulnerability Really Looks Like

Vulnerability isn’t just crying in front of someone or confessing deep secrets. It can look like asking for help, admitting “I don’t know,” or telling someone “That hurt me.” It’s choosing to speak even when your voice shakes, to stay in the moment even when everything inside you wants to run.

It’s also boundaries, honesty, and showing up authentically—even if that means risking rejection or judgment. Vulnerability is raw and courageous. It invites others to meet us in our truth. Without it, relationships become performance pieces, not real partnerships.

Click to Learn About The Power of Vulnerability: Unlocking Trust in Yourself and Others

Why We Struggle With It

Many of us have very good reasons for struggling with vulnerability. Maybe we were punished or mocked for being emotional. Maybe we were raised in environments where survival depended on hiding pain. Or maybe we’ve been hurt when we dared to open up—and decided never again.

Click to Learn About How Childhood Trauma Shapes Your Adult Relationships

These defense mechanisms helped us cope, but over time, they can become armor that limits our growth. We start avoiding the very things that could lead to healing: hard conversations, emotional expression, intimacy.

The fear of being “too much” or “not enough” keeps us silent. But silence doesn’t protect—it isolates.

Practicing Vulnerability in Small, Brave Ways

You don’t have to rip off the armor all at once. Start gently. Vulnerability is a muscle—it strengthens with use. Here are a few ways to practice it:

• Name your emotions aloud. Even something as simple as “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now” invites connection.

  
  

• Start with safe people. Choose those who’ve earned your trust. Share something small and see how they respond.

  
  

• Ask for what you need. Instead of waiting to be noticed, try saying, “I could really use a hug right now” or “Can we talk? I’m having a hard day.”

  
  

• Let go of perfection. Show up messy. It’s okay if you don’t have the perfect words—honesty matters more than polish.

  
  

• Use journaling as a warm-up. Write what you’re feeling before you try to speak it out loud. This helps clarify what’s going on inside.

  
  

Vulnerability Is a Two-Way Street

Being vulnerable invites others to do the same. When we lead with honesty, we create safer spaces for real connection. That doesn’t mean every person will meet you where you are—but the right ones will. And that’s how true relationships are built.

You may be surprised by the way people soften when they see the real you. Because underneath all our masks, we’re all just trying to be seen, loved, and understood.

Final Thought

Vulnerability won’t always feel safe—but neither does loneliness, disconnection, or the exhaustion of always pretending you’re okay. When we choose vulnerability, we choose growth, authenticity, and deeper bonds.

So ask yourself: What might open up in your life if you stopped hiding how you really feel?

---

More Related Articles:

• The Silent Distance: How to Support Your Surviving Parent Through Grief When They Push You Away

• The Power of Vulnerability: Unlocking Trust in Yourself and Others

• When Love Feels Like a Struggle: Can You Thrive in an Incompatible Marriage?

• How to Help Someone Who's Struggling: Supporting a Friend Through Depression and Overwhelm

• Survivor's Guilt: Navigating the Emotional Storm After Loss