- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- 4 days ago
Learning to manage the pain without adding more suffering means allowing yourself to feel hurt without letting it spiral into self-blame or resentment. When we pause, name our emotions, and choose mindful responses.
You did everything right—and still got passed over. Someone talked down to you, dismissed your contributions, or treated you like your feelings didn’t matter. Whether it’s in the workplace, in family dynamics, or in everyday social situations, unfair treatment stings. It triggers a deep, visceral reaction in us, and that’s completely human. But what happens next—the way we respond to that pain—can either heal us or trap us in a cycle of suffering. The good news? We have more power than we think.
The Hidden Cost of Unfairness
When we’re wronged, our bodies and minds react quickly. Maybe your heart pounds, your fists clench, or your thoughts spiral with “what I should’ve said.” Unfairness can feel like a personal violation, shaking our sense of security or self-worth. And while those initial feelings—anger, shame, sadness—are valid, they often give way to something more damaging: chronic resentment, self-doubt, or even hopelessness. Over time, the unfair moment itself ends, but we carry the emotional weight of it far longer than necessary. We replay conversations, invent better comebacks, or internalize the mistreatment as evidence that we’re not enough. That’s the cost of unchecked pain—it lingers and hardens into suffering.
Pain Is Inevitable. Suffering Is Optional.
It’s a tough truth: pain is part of life. But suffering? That’s optional. In both Buddhist psychology and evidence-based approaches like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), there’s a key idea—pain becomes suffering when we resist it, judge it, or attach a narrative to it that fuels distress. For instance, feeling angry about being left out is normal. But telling yourself “No one ever includes me, I’m not worth anyone’s time” turns pain into prolonged emotional suffering. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel our emotions—but it does mean we can choose how we relate to them. Accepting the reality of an unfair moment doesn’t mean endorsing it—it means refusing to give it more control than it already took.
Name the Emotion, Then Feel It
When emotions feel too big or overwhelming, it’s tempting to shut them down or numb out. But what we resist tends to persist. The first step toward healing is acknowledgment: naming the feeling with compassion. Instead of shoving it aside or letting it explode outward, simply say to yourself, “I feel disappointed.” Or “I feel hurt and confused.” Giving the emotion a name helps it lose some of its power, and naming it without judgment creates space to process it. It may feel uncomfortable to sit with these feelings, but remember: emotions are meant to move. When we let ourselves truly feel them, they tend to pass through us more gently than we expect.
Interrupt the Story You’re Telling Yourself
Our minds are natural storytellers—and not always kind ones. After experiencing unfairness, we often create internal narratives like, “This always happens to me,” or “I should have seen this coming,” or “They win if I let this go.” These thoughts are understandable, but they’re also not facts. These mental loops keep us stuck in old pain and rob us of the peace we’re trying to reclaim. One helpful strategy is to pause and ask, “Is this story helping me heal, or keeping me stuck?” If it’s the latter, consider rewriting it. Instead of “I’m always overlooked,” try, “That situation was unfair, but I know my worth is not defined by that moment.”
Respond, Don’t React
When we’re in pain, the urge to react can feel overwhelming—lashing out, shutting down, or seeking revenge. But reaction often leads to regret. Response, on the other hand, comes from a place of reflection and choice. A helpful tool from DBT is the STOP skill: Stop, Take a step back, Observe, and Proceed mindfully. It gives you time to cool down and decide what action actually serves your well-being. Maybe that means setting a boundary, writing about your feelings, or calling a friend for support. When you pause, you put yourself back in control.
Let Go to Liberate Yourself
Letting go is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean pretending the pain didn’t happen. It means refusing to let it define your future. When you release the need for closure, fairness, or revenge, you reclaim your energy. Forgiveness—when and if it’s right for you—is not about excusing harm. It’s about creating freedom from the emotional grip that event or person has on your life. Letting go might look like choosing peace over rehashing the situation, or gently redirecting your thoughts when they drift back to the pain. You deserve more than to live in a loop of injustice.
Final Thought
Unfairness hurts, and you deserve to have your feelings acknowledged and honored. But you also deserve healing. And healing doesn’t come from winning every battle—it comes from learning how to tend to yourself in the aftermath. You can face injustice without letting it live inside you forever.
Eye-Opening Question:
When you’re treated unfairly, do you stay in the moment—or carry it with you for days, weeks, even years? What might it feel like to finally put it down?
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