- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- Dec 2, 2024
Learning how to talk to defensive, bullied teens requires patience, empathy, and a non-judgmental approach to help them feel heard and understood. By creating a safe space for open communication, you can help them rebuild their confidence and recognize their strength, even when they feel overwhelmed by the weight of bullying.
Teenagers—especially those who’ve been bullied—can sometimes be the hardest to reach. With defenses built high and trust often in short supply, talking to a teen who’s been hurt can feel like trying to break through a brick wall. If you’ve ever tried to reach out to a teenager who’s withdrawn, defensive, or seemingly shut off from the world, you know how difficult it can be. But it’s important to remember: Behind that defensive exterior is a young person who is struggling, and with the right approach, we can help them recognize their strength and potential.
Understanding the Defensive Wall
When a teen is being bullied, whether at school, online, or in their social circles, they often develop a defensive attitude as a form of self-protection. They might lash out, shut down, or avoid showing any vulnerability to avoid further harm. It’s their way of guarding against the emotional pain that bullying brings. But what might come across as aggression or indifference is often just a mask for deep feelings of fear, shame, and isolation.
As friends, family members, or mentors, our role isn’t to “fix” or “teach” them right away. It’s to create a safe space where they feel heard, validated, and understood. Only then can we begin to help them see their true worth.
Start with Empathy, Not Solutions
It’s natural to want to jump in and fix things when you see a loved one hurting. But sometimes, the best way to help a bullied teen is to simply listen. You might want to say things like, "You should ignore them," or "Don't let it bother you," but these well-meaning comments can feel dismissive to a teen in emotional pain.
Instead, try leading with empathy. Acknowledge how hard it must be for them. Let them know that what they’re feeling is valid and that they’re not alone. For example:
"I can see how much this is weighing on you. It must feel exhausting to deal with this every day. I’m here for you, no matter what."
By offering understanding first, you lay the groundwork for trust, and the teen is more likely to open up about what they’re really feeling.
Help Them Recognize Their Strength
One of the most powerful things you can do for a bullied teen is to help them recognize their own inner strength. Teens often internalize the negative messages they receive from bullies, and over time, they may begin to believe those harmful words. They may feel like they’re powerless, weak, or not good enough. It’s important to remind them of their worth and capabilities—especially when they may not see it themselves.
Highlight their strengths, whether they’re academic, athletic, artistic, or personal. Remind them of past moments when they’ve overcome challenges or stood up for themselves or others. This doesn’t need to be a lecture; instead, it can be a simple conversation, like:
"Remember that time you stood up for your friend when others were making fun of them? That took a lot of courage. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for."
If they don’t feel comfortable opening up about specific strengths, encourage them to try new activities or reflect on things they enjoy doing. This helps them rediscover their talents and interests, which can serve as a healthy distraction and a way to rebuild their self-esteem.
Normalize Emotions and Build Resilience
Teens, especially those who have been bullied, may feel like there’s something wrong with them because of how they’re feeling. They might hide their sadness, anger, or anxiety, believing that these emotions make them “weak.” But emotional vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. Helping them understand that it’s okay to feel upset or frustrated is crucial for their healing process.
Building resilience is about teaching teens how to navigate difficult emotions and experiences without letting them define who they are. You can encourage this by modeling healthy emotional coping strategies yourself. Let them see you managing stress, setting boundaries, or taking care of your mental health.
For example, if your teen is feeling overwhelmed, you can suggest:
"Hey, I know things feel really tough right now. Have you tried journaling or doing something creative to get your feelings out? Sometimes that really helps me clear my mind."
Encourage activities that help them feel grounded, such as exercise, mindfulness, or spending time with friends who support them.
Offer Support Beyond the Conversation
As friends and family, we can’t always be there for every moment, but we can offer ongoing support in a way that matters. That might mean encouraging them to reach out to a counselor or mental health professional who can help them process their feelings. If the bullying is happening online, it’s important to help them understand their rights and how to protect themselves.
Let them know that there are safe spaces to turn to and that they don’t have to face this alone. Remind them that while it might feel like the bullying is a reflection of their worth, it’s not. Bullies target others because of their own insecurities or issues.
Let Them Know They Are Loved—Unconditionally
Above all, let the teen in your life know that they are loved, just as they are. Sometimes, teens who are being bullied can feel like no one truly cares about them, and they may even pull away from the very people who are trying to help. This is where unconditional love comes in—without judgment, without trying to “fix” them, but just letting them know they have a support system.
A simple text or message saying, “I’m thinking of you today, and I hope you know you’re important to me,” can go a long way. Small gestures of love, encouragement, and compassion remind them that they are seen and that they matter—no matter what others might say or do.
In Conclusion: Patience and Perseverance Matter
Helping a bullied teen navigate their feelings and recognize their strength is a journey that takes time, patience, and care. Don’t expect instant changes or breakthroughs, but continue showing up for them, listening, and validating their experience. As you create a safe space for them to explore their feelings, you’ll help them realize that they are much more than the hurtful words or actions of others.
By teaching teens that they are capable, valuable, and loved, we give them the foundation they need to overcome bullying and build resilience for whatever life throws their way. You can be a light in their life during these tough times—sometimes all they need is someone to remind them of their own strength.
Call to Action: If you or someone you know is struggling with bullying, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help or support from trusted friends and family. It’s okay to ask for help when things get tough—you don’t have to face it alone. 💙
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