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The Family Scapegoat: What If the Problem Was Never You?

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • 3 days ago

Being the family scapegoat often means carrying the emotional weight of an entire household's dysfunction—silently, unfairly, and for years. But recognizing the role and reclaiming your worth is the first courageous step toward healing.

The Family Scapegoat: What If the Problem Was Never You?

You were always “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” or “the problem child.” Sound familiar? In many families, there’s an unspoken rule: one person bears the blame when things go wrong. That person is the scapegoat—the emotional dumping ground, often assigned this role since childhood. While it’s rarely discussed openly, scapegoating is more common than most people realize, and its psychological impact can last a lifetime.


Scapegoating is a form of emotional abuse that typically reflects a dysfunctional family system. Instead of addressing their own issues, some families project shame, guilt, or anger onto one person, usually the most emotionally attuned or different child. The scapegoat becomes the “identified problem,” even when their reactions are normal responses to abnormal situations.


What Scapegoating Looks Like


Scapegoating doesn’t always look like yelling or overt cruelty. Sometimes, it’s subtle—and shockingly normalized.


Here are some real-life situations that may sound all too familiar:


  • Your sibling breaks something, but you’re the one who gets blamed because you're “always causing problems.”


  • You speak up about how a family member hurt you, and you're told you’re too dramatic or “just trying to start trouble.”


  • A parent vents their frustrations about work or their marriage by yelling at you for forgetting to take out the trash.


  • At family gatherings, you're constantly the butt of the joke—“It’s just teasing,” they say, while you feel smaller each time.


  • You succeed in school or work, but it's ignored or undermined, while your sibling’s minor achievements are celebrated.


  • You're expected to be the mediator during arguments, even though you're the one who was hurt.


  • When you try to set a boundary, you're called selfish, ungrateful, or accused of turning your back on the family.


  • You were labeled “difficult” as a child simply for having emotions or asking questions no one wanted to answer.


Over time, this emotional invalidation chips away at your self-esteem and conditions you to suppress your truth to avoid further conflict.


The Hidden Damage


Children who grow up as the family scapegoat often carry chronic anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing behaviors, or deep-rooted shame into adulthood. They may feel isolated, emotionally reactive, or confused about why relationships are so draining.



The Trauma a Scapegoat Carries:


  • Complex PTSD from years of emotional neglect, rejection, or gaslighting.


  • Hypervigilance, always anticipating blame or criticism even in safe environments.


  • Emotional dysregulation, especially when trying to express needs or establish boundaries.


  • Fear of vulnerability, as speaking up often led to ridicule, rejection, or punishment.


  • A distorted self-image, shaped by internalized beliefs like “I’m hard to love” or “I ruin everything.”


  • Attachment wounds, making intimacy feel unsafe or unpredictable in adult relationships.


These aren't just emotional bruises—they are psychological injuries that impact how scapegoated individuals see themselves and engage with the world.


Reclaiming Your Power: Setting Boundaries to Protect Your Mental Health


The first step in healing from scapegoating is recognition. You’re not imagining things. If your gut tells you something has always felt off, trust that. The second step is boundaries.

Here are powerful boundary-setting tools:


  • Limit contact or create emotional distance from toxic family dynamics.


  • Practice emotional detachment—you can care about your family without carrying their pain.


  • Say no without guilt. You’re allowed to decline conversations or roles that are harmful.


  • Choose your truth. Write down what actually happened to you. Naming the reality is the beginning of breaking the cycle.


Healing also involves connecting with others who validate your experience. Therapy, trauma-informed support groups, or even safe online communities can help you feel seen and understood.



You Are Not the Problem—You Were the Mirror


Often, scapegoats are the most emotionally intelligent or compassionate members of the family. That makes them threatening in systems where dysfunction is denied. Your sensitivity is not a flaw—it’s a strength that was never nurtured.


So here’s the question: If the role of scapegoat was assigned to you, not earned… isn’t it time to stop carrying what was never yours to begin with?


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Setting Boundaries With Your Parents Is Not Selfish — It’s Self-Loving

  • Writer: Niki Kay | Wellness Podcast Host | Guest Writer
    Niki Kay | Wellness Podcast Host | Guest Writer
  • Apr 24

The truth is, as much as we may want to stand by our parents, sometimes it’s more important to stand up for ourselves. Because the reality is, not all parents are supportive or able to show up in the ways we truly need. Whether it’s helicopter parenting, emotional immaturity, absence, or anything in between, there’s often a common thread: our emotional needs, sense of safety, and security weren’t fully met in childhood.

Setting Boundaries With Your Parents Is Not Selfish — It’s Self-Loving

Sometimes we need to fall in order to learn, something that overly controlling parents often struggle to allow. We may crave privacy, needing to keep certain parts of ourselves just for us, a concept that emotionally immature or overly dependent parents might not grasp. And sometimes, we just need to hear that someone is proud of us, words our absent parents may never be able to give.


No matter the dynamic between parent and child, we realize that our purpose in life isn’t to constantly seek their approval or earn the title of “good daughter” or “good son”. Our existence is meant to be lived authentically: full of risks, mistakes, heartbreaks, lessons, and evolution. But in order to self-actualize, we must give ourselves the space to grow.


Why Is It Important to Set Boundaries?


The interesting thing about boundaries is that they often need to be set with the people closest to us. None of us makes it through childhood entirely unscathed. We all carry core wounds, many of them knowingly or unknowingly caused by our parents. These wounds follow us into adulthood and impact how we show up in the world.


But the healing we need can’t begin until we allow ourselves the space to process and repair. That’s where boundaries come in. We realize that loving ourselves doesn’t mean we love them any less. That standing up for our needs doesn’t make us ungrateful for their sacrifices. Choosing to leave home or draw a line in the sand isn’t selfish; it’s self-loving.


Because only when we honor our truest selves can we genuinely show up for those around us. As long as resentment or guilt lingers, we stay trapped in a painful tug-of-war, torn between betraying ourselves or betraying them. But when we choose ourselves with compassion and courage, we begin to break that cycle and open the door to the respect, love, and freedom we need to truly thrive in our own lives.



What Does Setting Boundaries Look Like?


One of the biggest sources of guilt when setting boundaries is saying “no” to our parents. The moment we do, we’re often consumed by a fear of disappointing them or feeling like we’re being ungrateful.


But it’s important to remind ourselves that saying “no” isn’t an act of rejection, it’s an act of self-preservation. When communicated with clarity, our boundaries can actually deepen mutual understanding and create a more loving relationship. Setting boundaries might sound like:


  • “I won’t be able to visit this holiday — I’ve been working hard and really need some time to rest and recharge.”


  • “I understand that you want me to stay in school and pursue this degree, but my heart is calling me in a different direction, and I need to honor that.”


  • “I’m not ready to talk about my personal life just yet. I promise I’ll open up when I have more clarity.”


These kinds of statements communicate compassion, respect, and consideration, not defiance. At the end of the day, most parents want what’s best for you, even if their version of “best” doesn’t perfectly align with yours.


By expressing that you value their presence while also advocating for your own time, space, and truth, you give them the opportunity to support you in ways that feel good to both of you.


How to Handle Situations When Boundaries Are Overstepped


The truth about boundaries is that they’re more for you than for the other person. No matter who you’re setting them with, even your parents. Each time we advocate for our needs, even at the risk of disappointing someone, we strengthen our self-worth. When someone oversteps a boundary, it’s a form of disrespect to you. But this awareness is here to empower you. When your boundary is crossed, it’s up to you to clearly address it. Sometimes, assertiveness is necessary. That might mean saying, “This felt like a violation of what I expressed, and I need you to respect that moving forward.”


In some cases, taking space from your parents can be necessary to protect your mental health. That doesn’t mean cutting them off permanently. But a temporary pause in communication can help you restore peace and clarity. What matters is communicating this choice in a calm yet firm way, so everyone understands why that space is needed.


Conclusion


Boundaries aren’t about punishment or pushing people away. They’re about preservation. Setting them is an act of self-respect, self-care, and self-love. When we choose to protect our peace and mental well-being, we are choosing to honor ourselves at the deepest level.


At times, we may wonder why we have to be the ones to lead these conversations or “be the bigger person.” But there’s power in realizing we’re not doing it to please others, we’re doing it to protect our own peace. When we make that shift, we step out of the victim mindset and into our power.


We begin to hold the reins of our lives like we’re meant to; without blame, guilt, or resentment, but with clarity, confidence, and love.


Carlie Malott

Niki Kay

Host of the Mindset Mentress Podcast | Guest Writer of Moody Melon Magazine

I'm a writer, podcast host, and entrepreneur focused on self-discovery and transformation. Through my podcast, Mindset Mentress, I share insights on authenticity and growth. Currently pursuing a journalism certification at NYU to enhance my storytelling and impact.

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Alone in the Crowd: The Hidden Crisis of College Loneliness

  • Writer: Carlie Malott | Crisis Counselor | Guest Writer
    Carlie Malott | Crisis Counselor | Guest Writer
  • Apr 23

Being surrounded by thousands of classmates yet feeling invisible is one of college’s cruelest paradoxes. From packed lecture halls to buzzing residence halls, campus life can look like a nonstop social highlight reel—so why do so many students stay up scrolling, wondering why no one really knows them?

Alone in the Crowd: The Hidden Crisis of College Loneliness

Orientation leaders swear you’ll make lifelong friends in the first week. TikTok shows dorm‐room dance parties on repeat. Yet after the icebreakers fade, you may find yourself eating alone, drifting through conversations that never get past “major and hometown.” You start to ask, Is everyone bonding except me?


Loneliness isn’t an admission of failure; it’s an unmet human need. The ache you feel in your chest when you swipe through Insta Stories on a Friday night isn’t melodrama—it’s your brain signaling it’s wired for connection and not getting enough of it.


The Myth of Automatic Community


We assume proximity equals friendship: put young adults in one place and relationships will bloom. But real connection demands more than shared Wi‐Fi. It takes vulnerability, repeated exposure, mutual effort—ingredients hard to find when classes rotate every semester and everyone’s juggling packed schedules.


Many students hit a lonely wall not because they’re socially inept, but because they expected friendships to form as effortlessly as freshman orientation promised. Spoiler: deep community is built, not assigned.


Social Media: The Mirage That Intensifies the Drought


Your feed isn’t lying—people are hanging out. What it hides is the downtime between snapshots, the awkward “Wanna grab lunch?” rejections, the homesick FaceTimes no one posts. Comparison turns loneliness into shame: If I were more fun, smarter, hotter... I’d be invited too.


Remember: online popularity rarely translates to offline intimacy. Those highlight reels can mask the same isolation you feel.


The Health Cost of Being “Fine”


Persistent loneliness lights up the same pain circuits as physical injury. It spikes cortisol, disrupts sleep, and can nudge mild sadness toward clinical depression. Left unchecked, it chips away at self‐esteem, making it even scarier to reach out—an emotional Catch‐22.


Micro‐Connections: The Antidote You Can Actually Control


Grand gestures aren’t required; consistency is. Try:


● The Two‐Minute Rule: Chat with a classmate before or after every lecture—ask about an upcoming exam, their project topic, a show they’re watching. Two minutes over six weeks equals an hour‐long foundation for friendship.


● Shared Silence: Study in the same spot at the library. Familiar faces breed comfort; comfort opens doors to conversation.


● Interest Stacking: Join clubs that overlap two passions (e.g., hiking and photography). Niche groups accelerate bonding because you skip small talk and dive into shared enthusiasm.


It Can’t Be One‐Sided Work


If you’re always initiating, resentment creeps in: Why am I the planner? Healthy friendship is reciprocal. Notice who follows up, who remembers details, who texts first sometimes. Invest where energy flows both ways.


Conversely, if you rarely initiate, challenge yourself: send one invite a week, even if your voice trembles. Relationships thrive on mutual bids for connection.


When Loneliness Persists, Seek Backup


If weeks pass and the heaviness won’t lift, tap the resources already baked into tuition:


● Counseling Center appointments (usually free or low‐cost).


● Peer‐support groups for transfer students, first‐gen scholars, LGBTQ+ community, or international students.


● Resident assistants trained to notice isolation and plug you into events.


Keeping the Flame of Friendship Alive Amid Midterms


Once connections spark, protect them from academic wildfire:


● Co‐Study Dates: Turn grind time into shared time. Even silent work builds camaraderie.


● Walk‐and‐Talks: Swap coffee meetups for campus loops - movement boosts mood and conversation flow.


● Calendar It: Put “friend maintenance” on the same planning app that tracks quizzes. Intention beats spontaneity when schedules clash.


One Last Question


If you believed loneliness was a signal—not a verdict—that you deserve deeper connection, what brave, small step would you take on campus today to answer that call?


Carlie Malott

Carlie Malott

Crisis Counselor | Guest Writer of Moody Melon Magazine

I’m a junior at Colorado College studying Psychology and Education. Passionate about mental health, I believe normalizing conversations about struggles fosters belonging and hope—values I strive to integrate into all my work.



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