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When Love Starts to Hurt: Living in the Storm of a Constantly Fighting Relationship

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • 1 day ago

When love starts to hurt, it’s often not a dramatic moment, but a slow buildup of unspoken resentment, repeated conflict, and emotional disconnection. In these moments, it’s okay to pause, reflect, and ask if the relationship is still nurturing the safety and care you—and your family—deserve.

When Love Starts to Hurt: Living in the Storm of a Constantly Fighting Relationship

There’s a quiet kind of grief that comes with constantly arguing with someone you once saw as your home. The pain isn’t always explosive; sometimes, it’s just the slow erosion of tenderness, the sting of unkind words, or the heavy silence that follows every disagreement. And when these fights become a pattern—especially in front of your child—the emotional toll can feel unbearable.


So what do you do when the person you’re supposed to build a life with is also the one constantly tearing it down? What happens when you feel like you're losing both your partner and yourself?



When Fighting Becomes the Norm


Conflict in relationships is normal. No two people agree on everything. But when fighting becomes the main form of communication, it signals something deeper: unmet needs, unresolved wounds, or cycles of miscommunication that haven’t been broken.


You might find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to predict your partner’s mood before saying anything. Or maybe you’ve stopped talking altogether unless it’s necessary—because even the smallest comment seems to set off another argument. The house begins to feel less like a home and more like a battlefield.


Over time, this kind of dynamic chips away at trust, safety, and intimacy. You may begin to question whether you still like this person, let alone love them. And those questions can be terrifying.


The Invisible Impact on Your Child


If you’re a parent, the guilt is a different kind of pain.


Even if you’re trying to shield your child from the worst of it, they know. Kids are remarkably sensitive to emotional energy. They can feel the tension when you and your partner are short with each other. They notice when conversations stop. They watch how you respond—and don’t respond—to each other.


Some children internalize this conflict, feeling anxious or blaming themselves. Others become withdrawn, aggressive, or emotionally dysregulated. You might notice your child getting upset just because you and your partner are in the same room. They’re not just reacting to words—they’re reacting to the emotional environment.


This kind of emotional residue doesn’t disappear on its own. And many parents struggle with the heartbreaking question: What is my child learning about relationships from watching mine?


When Disconnection Becomes Repulsion


It’s also hard to admit when the emotional distance turns into something stronger: resentment, disgust, or even contempt.


You might start feeling physically turned off by your partner—especially if their behavior contradicts the values you want modeled for your child. For example, if your partner self-deprecates in front of your son (“Yeah, I’m stupid”), or dismisses your feelings in front of them, it can feel like a breach of something sacred.


You want your child to witness strength, accountability, kindness. Not emotional chaos or emotional immaturity. When your partner’s behavior consistently undermines that, it’s natural to begin questioning not just the relationship—but your respect for them.


And when respect fades, desire often follows.



You’re Not Alone—and You’re Not Wrong for Feeling This Way


It’s easy to blame yourself in these moments. To wonder if you’re being too sensitive, too demanding, too checked out. But the truth is, ongoing relational conflict affects everyone. And if you’ve been trying to keep it all together for the sake of your family, you’re likely carrying far more than you were meant to.


There’s no shame in struggling. Relationships are deeply complex. And parenting within one that's struggling? That’s a form of survival.


But surviving is not the same as thriving.


What Can Help


Name What’s Really Happening


Get honest—with yourself first. What are the patterns that keep repeating? Are you stuck in criticism, defensiveness, avoidance? What do you feel after every argument: sadness, shame, rage, emptiness?


Therapy Can Offer Clarity


Whether individual or couples counseling, support from a trained therapist can help unpack what’s underneath the fighting. Sometimes, people fight not because they don’t care—but because they care deeply and feel unheard, unheld, or unsafe. And sometimes, people fight because they’ve outgrown the relationship’s capacity for growth.


Practice Emotional Repair in Front of Your Child


If an argument happens in front of your child, it’s not too late to show them something powerful: repair. Saying things like, “I got upset earlier, and I’m sorry,” or “I was frustrated, but that doesn’t mean yelling was okay,” teaches your child that people can mess up and be accountable.


Reconnect with Your Own Needs


It’s easy to lose yourself in the stress of managing the household, the relationship, and your child’s well-being. Ask yourself: What do I need that I’ve been ignoring? Is it rest? Is it help? Is it respect? Self-neglect often masks itself as strength.


Have One Honest Conversation


It may not fix everything—but opening up to your partner, even just once, about how the constant conflict is impacting you and your child can shift the tone. Choose a time when neither of you is escalated. Speak from your experience, not from blame: “I feel emotionally drained by our arguing, and I’m really worried about the effect it’s having on our child.”


Final Thoughts: It’s Okay to Want Peace


Wanting your relationship to feel like a partnership—not a battleground—is not asking too much. Wanting your child to grow up in an emotionally stable environment is not unreasonable. And wanting to feel safe, seen, and respected in your own home is not selfish.

You deserve peace. Your child deserves peace. And if your current dynamic is stealing that from you—then it’s worth asking what needs to change.


Even when love still lingers, sometimes it’s the way we love—and the way we’re loved back—that needs to evolve.


And that evolution starts with one truth: you are not powerless.


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Burnout Doesn’t Come With a Warning Light—But Here’s How to Catch It Early

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • 4 days ago

Burnout often shows up quietly—through exhaustion, irritability, or a sense of emotional numbness—long before we recognize its toll. Taking small, consistent steps to care for yourself daily can be the key to preventing burnout before it takes hold.

Burnout Doesn’t Come With a Warning Light—But Here’s How to Catch It Early

Let’s be honest: most of us don’t realize we’re on the edge of burnout until we’ve already slid off the cliff. One day you’re multitasking like a pro, and the next, you’re crying in the bathroom over a calendar notification or snapping at someone you love for forgetting to load the dishwasher.


Burnout doesn’t announce itself with sirens. It creeps in quietly, disguised as productivity, responsibility, and ambition. But there are signs—subtle, small, and absolutely worth noticing. Catching burnout early is not just about preventing a crash; it’s about preserving your energy, your relationships, and your joy.



Here are small, powerful things you can do—even with a busy schedule—to take care of yourself before burnout takes over:


1. Start Your Day With an Internal “Weather Report”


Before jumping into emails, meetings, or breakfast prep, check in with yourself like you’d check the weather. Ask:


  • What’s the emotional forecast today?

  • Where do I feel it in my body?

  • What’s one thing I can do to make today easier for myself?


This quick pause helps you notice fatigue, resentment, or anxiety before they escalate.


2. Redefine “Self-Care” as Micro-Acts of Maintenance


Forget the bubble baths and yoga retreats (unless that’s your thing). Real self-care is what you do in between your responsibilities:


  • Take 10 deep breaths before you open your laptop.

  • Drink a glass of water before your next call.

  • Step outside and feel actual sunlight on your skin—even for one minute.


Tiny acts add up when done with intention.


3. Use Transitions to Your Advantage


Going from work to home mode? Leaving a stressful conversation? Pause for 30 seconds and ask, What energy am I carrying right now, and do I want to bring it into this next moment?


It’s like wiping your mental shoes before stepping into the next room of your life.


4. Anchor Into Something That’s Just for You


No matter how busy your day is, find something—one thing—that is yours and yours alone. A 5-minute playlist that makes you feel alive. A silly meme account that gives you joy. A post-it note mantra on your mirror. This is less about escape and more about grounding.


5. Name Your Wins—Even the Tiny Ones


You answered that hard email. You drank more water. You didn’t lose your temper when you could’ve. You tried. That counts.


Noticing effort builds resilience. Burnout feeds on the feeling that nothing you do is enough.


6. Put a Boundary on the Invisible Work


You know the kind—worrying about everyone’s needs, double-checking what didn’t get done, mentally redoing a conversation. If you can't stop overthinking, give yourself a scheduled worry window. Set a timer. Let the mental noise run. Then move on.


You don’t have to carry it all, all the time.


7. End Your Day With Care, Not Collapse


Even if your day felt like a sprint, give yourself two minutes to close it intentionally:


  • What’s one thing I did well today?

  • What do I want to leave behind?

  • What does my body need tonight?


Treat yourself like someone worth winding down for—because you are.



Final Thought:You don’t need to wait until you're depleted to care for yourself. In fact, the best time to care for yourself is before you think you need to.


And here’s the eye-opening question to reflect on:


If you treated your energy like your most valuable asset, what would you do differently today?


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Wounds Without the War: The Silent Toll of Secondary PTSD

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 26

The toll of Secondary PTSD can be just as heavy as firsthand trauma, especially for caregivers and professionals who carry the emotional weight of others’ pain. Without proper support and boundaries, the toll of Secondary PTSD can quietly erode a person’s well-being, leaving them overwhelmed, disconnected, and emotionally exhausted.

Wounds Without the War: The Silent Toll of Secondary PTSD

You didn’t experience the trauma yourself—but why does it feel like you did?


When we think about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), we often picture combat veterans, survivors of violence, or those who’ve endured life-threatening events. But trauma doesn't always knock directly on your door. Sometimes, it creeps in through someone else’s—through the stories we absorb, the pain we witness, and the people we love.


This is the world of Secondary PTSD—a quiet, consuming form of trauma that affects those who support, care for, or work closely with people who’ve endured traumatic experiences. And unlike its better-known counterpart, secondary PTSD often goes unspoken, unseen, and untreated.


What Is Secondary PTSD?


Secondary PTSD, also known as vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue, occurs when someone develops trauma-related symptoms as a result of exposure to another person’s trauma. This is commonly seen in mental health professionals, emergency responders, nurses, social workers, and even loved ones of trauma survivors.


Imagine listening, day after day, to heartbreaking stories of abuse, war, loss, or violence. Over time, these stories begin to lodge themselves in your psyche. You might feel anxious, emotionally numb, avoidant, or overly alert. You may start having nightmares or flashbacks—not of your own memories, but of someone else’s suffering.


You’re not weak. You’re not overly sensitive. You’re human—and you’re absorbing more pain than the body or brain was ever meant to carry.



When Caring Hurts


For many, the hardest part of secondary PTSD is the guilt. You might tell yourself: “It wasn’t my trauma. I have no right to feel this way.” But that guilt only deepens the damage.


In fact, studies show that secondary trauma can mirror the symptoms of direct PTSD—including intrusive thoughts, mood swings, hypervigilance, depression, and burnout. Yet many who suffer feel they must push through for the sake of their clients, loved ones, or patients.


This constant emotional labor leads to chronic fatigue, emotional detachment, and a loss of joy—especially in the very work or relationships that once brought purpose.



Self-Care Isn’t a Luxury—It’s Lifesaving


The antidote to secondary trauma isn’t to stop caring—it’s to care for yourself just as fiercely. Self-care in this context goes far beyond bubble baths or days off. It’s about deep, sustainable habits that protect your mental and emotional reserves.


This might look like setting emotional boundaries, getting supervision or consultation, practicing mindfulness, debriefing after difficult sessions, or attending therapy yourself. It’s recognizing when you’re over-capacitated and learning how to step back before burnout takes hold.


Rest, reflection, and regulation are essential—not selfish. They’re what allow you to keep showing up with integrity and compassion, without losing yourself in someone else’s story.


Final Thought:


If you can absorb trauma secondhand, shouldn’t you deserve healing firsthand?


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