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Why Intimacy Feels Risky—and How to Build Meaningful Relationships Anyway

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 16

Why intimacy feels risky often traces back to early experiences where vulnerability was met with pain, making closeness feel more threatening than comforting. Even when we crave connection, intimacy feels risky because it asks us to be seen, known, and emotionally exposed—without any guarantee of being accepted.

Close Enough to Touch: Why Intimacy Feels So Risky Yet Matters So Much

Why do some of us pull away just when things start getting close? Whether it’s a romantic partner, a trusted friend, or even a therapist—we might crave connection but find ourselves building walls instead. This inner conflict is at the heart of Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stage of Intimacy vs. Isolation, a crucial developmental task that unfolds in early adulthood.


In this stage, the challenge isn’t just about finding someone—it’s about being seen, known, and emotionally safe with another human being without losing your own sense of self.


What Intimacy Really Means


Intimacy isn’t just physical closeness. It’s the courage to reveal your vulnerable parts, to be fully present with someone without armor. It involves trust, emotional risk, and the mutual exchange of authenticity.


True intimacy looks like:


  • Having honest conversations, even when it’s uncomfortable.

  • Letting someone support you without feeling like a burden.

  • Holding space for another’s truth without trying to fix or flee.

  • Maintaining your individuality while building “we.”


Why Intimacy Feels So Risky


Opening up means handing someone a fragile part of yourself—and not knowing what they’ll do with it. For many, especially those who’ve experienced betrayal, neglect, or emotional abandonment, vulnerability has been met with pain. We learn early on that closeness can lead to hurt, rejection, or even shame.


Intimacy can feel risky because it:


  • Challenges old survival strategies like shutting down or staying in control.

  • Forces us to confront our deepest fears: being “too much,” “not enough,” or ultimately unlovable.

  • Means relying on someone else—which can feel unsafe if support hasn’t always been reliable.

  • Makes us visible, and with that comes the terrifying possibility of judgment or loss.


These risks aren’t imagined—they’re wired into us through experience. But so is the capacity to heal.



When Isolation Takes Over


For those who struggle to form deep connections, the alternative is often quiet isolation—not always visible from the outside. People may appear social, successful, even loved—but inside, they feel alone. Past wounds, attachment trauma, or a fear of engulfment can all fuel a pattern of withdrawing when emotional closeness is required.


This emotional distance can manifest as:


  • Fear of commitment or long-term attachment.

  • Sabotaging relationships when they get serious.

  • Relying solely on oneself, refusing to ask for help.

  • Feeling fundamentally “different” or misunderstood.


The Healing Path to Intimacy


The good news? Intimacy is a skill, not just a state. It can be developed. It begins with self-awareness and is nurtured by safe, emotionally responsive relationships.

To build intimacy:


  • Start with vulnerability in small doses—share your feelings with a trusted person.

  • Notice your automatic reactions when someone gets close.

  • Seek therapy if past wounds make connection feel unsafe.

  • Learn to sit with discomfort rather than escape it.


When Connection Hurts: How to Handle Disappointment


Sometimes, you do open up—and the other person doesn’t meet you there. Maybe they shut down. Maybe they criticize. Or maybe they disappear.


Here’s how to stay standing when intimacy doesn’t go as hoped:


  • Name the hurt without blaming yourself. Disappointment is not a sign that you were wrong to try—it’s a sign you were brave enough to risk connection.

  • Grieve the letdown. Feel the sadness or anger fully. Let it pass through, not control you.

  • Stay rooted in your worth. One person’s response doesn’t define your value.

  • Revisit your boundaries. Sometimes, the lesson isn’t “don’t open up again,” but “be more mindful about who you open up to.”

  • Try again, with wisdom. Resilience in intimacy means knowing pain is part of the process—but not the whole story.


Disappointment can be a detour—not a dead end.



What If It’s Worth the Risk?


When we lean into intimacy, we create opportunities for mutual growth, healing, and joy. Isolation may feel safer, but it rarely leads to the emotional nourishment we all need.


So here’s the real question:


What would it take for you to let someone truly know you—and are you willing to risk being seen to be loved, even if it doesn’t go perfectly the first time?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



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Drenched in Fear: Is Flooding Therapy Pushing Clients Too Far?

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 12

Flooding therapy is an exposure-based treatment that involves immersing a person directly into their most intense fear without gradual buildup, aiming to reduce anxiety through sustained confrontation. While it can be effective for specific phobias, flooding therapy may backfire in cases involving trauma or complex emotional histories.

Drenched in Fear: Is Flooding Therapy Pushing Clients Too Far?

Imagine being terrified of snakes—and then being locked in a room full of them for hours, with no escape. Now imagine calling that therapy.


That’s the basic premise behind flooding—an exposure technique that plunges individuals headfirst into their worst fears, with the goal of extinguishing anxiety through sheer prolonged confrontation. Its close cousin, implosive therapy, does something similar but through vivid mental imagery instead of real-life scenarios.


Both methods stem from behaviorist theories, which suggest that if someone is exposed to a feared object or situation long enough without negative consequences, their fear will eventually fade. But just because the theory sounds logical doesn’t mean it works universally—or harmlessly.


A Brief History: From Behaviorism to Bold Exposure


Flooding finds its roots in classical conditioning theory, particularly in the work of Ivan Pavlov and John B. Watson, who explored how emotional responses could be learned—and unlearned.


It was Thomas Stampfl in the 1960s who introduced implosive therapy, using intense imagined scenes to provoke anxiety in a controlled setting. Around the same time, Joseph Wolpe, a pioneer in behavioral therapy, helped develop systematic desensitization, a gentler alternative that gradually exposed clients to fears while they practiced relaxation techniques.


Flooding stood in contrast to Wolpe’s method—no gradual steps, no easing in, just full exposure. Its aggressive style reflected the bold experimental era of behavioral psychology. While it showed promise for simple phobias, its use in trauma and complex disorders has since become controversial.


A Famous (and Controversial) Case


One of the most well-known examples of flooding involved a client known as “Little Peter,” treated by Mary Cover Jones in the 1920s. Although this wasn’t flooding in the strictest sense, the exposure was intense and direct. Peter had a strong fear of rabbits. Over time, Jones brought the rabbit closer and closer while Peter was engaged in pleasurable activities. While this leaned more toward systematic desensitization, it laid the groundwork for future exposure-based therapies, including flooding.


More controversially, later behavioral therapists conducted flooding in far more intense ways. For example, in certain military settings, individuals with PTSD were subjected to prolonged re-exposure to trauma cues in an attempt to “extinguish” their anxiety. The results were mixed—and often ethically questioned. These cases helped shift modern therapeutic standards toward more client-centered and trauma-informed approaches.


When Exposure Becomes Too Much


While flooding can yield rapid results for some, it can also cause severe emotional distress and even retraumatization in others. There are documented cases where the technique worsened anxiety, created new symptoms, or damaged the therapeutic relationship altogether.


Clients with complex trauma, PTSD, or fragile emotional regulation are especially at risk. Their nervous systems are already in high-alert mode; being forced into intense fear-based scenarios can trigger panic, shutdown, or emotional harm.


Implosive therapy isn’t exempt either. Even when fears are imagined rather than physically experienced, the emotional and physiological impact can be just as overwhelming—especially when the client isn’t adequately prepared.


When Flooding Could Work


Despite its risks, flooding isn’t entirely off the table. Under the right conditions, and with the right client, it can be a powerful and efficient tool.


Flooding may work best when:


  • The client has a single, well-defined phobia (e.g., fear of heights or flying).

  • They’ve given fully informed consent and understand the intensity of the process.

  • There is no significant trauma history or dissociation present.

  • The client has demonstrated strong emotional regulation and grounding skills.

  • The therapist has built trust and rapport, and is well-trained in exposure methods.


When these conditions are met, flooding can offer fast, measurable relief—and even a sense of empowerment. But it must be done ethically, safely, and collaboratively.


Therapy Should Heal, Not Harm


The human nervous system doesn’t heal under threat—it heals in safety. A treatment that overwhelms the client may offer temporary behavioral change but could leave deeper emotional wounds in the process.


Modern trauma-informed therapy teaches us to meet people where they are, not to push them where they’re not ready to go. Therapy isn't about forcing growth—it's about creating conditions where growth is possible.


A Final Thought


As mental health professionals, we must constantly ask ourselves:


Are we helping clients face their fears—or forcing them to relive their worst moments in the name of progress?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



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Embracing Suffering and Growth: The Role of Existential Therapy in Mental Health

  • Writer: Chris Spadaccino | Crisis Counselor | Guest Writer
    Chris Spadaccino | Crisis Counselor | Guest Writer
  • Apr 13

Existential therapy is a unique approach to psychotherapy that focuses on exploring the fundamental aspects of human existence, such as freedom, death, isolation, and meaning. Rooted in existential philosophy, this therapeutic model encourages individuals to confront the realities of life rather than avoid them, fostering personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself.

Embracing Suffering and Growth: The Role of Existential Therapy in Mental Health

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the current most popular form of therapy, seeks to identify and challenge harmful thinking patterns. Taking a different approach to the difficulties in an individual's life, existential thinking promotes a change in mindset to one that sees suffering as a unique opportunity for growth rather than an obstacle to be avoided. By facing suffering, individuals can develop resilience, gain insight into their values, and ultimately shape a life that aligns with their deeper sense of purpose.


The Search for Meaning and Its Relevance


A core aspect of existential therapy is the search for meaning. Nearly three in five young adults (58%) have reported experiencing a lack of meaning or purpose in their lives over the past month. Additionally, half of young adults stated that uncertainty about their future negatively impacted their mental health.


As individuals transition from childhood to adulthood, the pressures of life and the pursuit of success often leave them questioning: What is this all for? Existential therapy attempts to help the individual answer this question by encouraging self-reflection. Oftentimes, the answer to this question remains in the unconscious, but can be uncovered with help.



Viktor Frankl and the Birth of Logotherapy


Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and Holocaust survivor, developed a unique branch of existential therapy known as logotherapy during his time in multiple concentration camps. Frankl emphasized that meaning is not something to be passively discovered but actively created. He suggests that individuals can find purpose by embracing their unique experiences and choosing how they respond to life's challenges.

He details a story of counseling two suicidal fellow prisoners, each mentioning that they can no longer go on. Frankl recognized that one man had a child on the outside, and another was writing a series of books he had not yet finished, and it could only be completed by him. This story draws attention to the importance of a unique individual's responsibilities that ultimately lay the groundwork for finding meaning in the darkness.


In my work supporting individuals in crisis, helping reveal those unique qualities can provide the strength to get through difficult times. There was a time I was speaking with someone who was experiencing suicidal thoughts. They shared that life felt so hard, they didn’t see a reason to keep going. Hearing this reminded me that everyone—no matter how lost they feel—has something meaningful that can give them a reason to hold on.


We explored this together, and they opened up about their love for poetry. They even shared some of their work with me, and I could see how much it meant to them. Poetry became a window into their sense of worth and creativity—something uniquely theirs. In that moment, they began to reconnect with their value, and it reminded me that everyone carries a spark of worth, even if it gets dimmed by pain.


Finding Meaning in Life Through Existential Therapy


If an individual is attempting to find meaning in their own life, existential therapy encourages them to engage in self-reflection and take ownership of their choices. Rather than feeling trapped by circumstances, they are empowered to recognize their personal freedom and control over responses.


This process often involves identifying what truly matters to them, whether it be relationships, creative pursuits, personal growth, or contributing to something greater than themselves. When attempting to recognize what matters to them, the big picture can often cloud that thinking. What matters varies from individual to individual and can be the smallest thing; one is encouraged to think of anything that might bring the feeling of happiness and growth.


I was talking to an older gentleman about the anxiety and depression he was experiencing around aging and feeling disconnected from the world around him. As we talked, we focused on the small things in life that still brought him joy. He shared that he enjoyed journaling before bed, especially writing about old memories and reflecting on his day.

Together, we came up with the idea to expand his journaling to include the beauty he currently sees in life—whether it’s a moment in nature or time spent with family. This gave him something new to look forward to each day and helped him embrace a more hopeful perspective on aging. This experience emphasizes how even the smallest things in our lives can have a profound impact.



Practical Strategies for Finding Meaning


The journey of self-reflection may feel overwhelming at first, but it often begins with simple acts of self-care or moments of kindness. From there, it can grow into something much more meaningful—helping us reconnect with ourselves, our purpose, and the world around us.

Here are strategies that can help in this process:


  • Engage in Self-Reflection: Take time to identify your core values, passions, and what truly brings you fulfillment.


  • Embrace Responsibility: Recognize that you have the power to shape your own life and take ownership of your choices.


  • Build Strong Relationships: Connection with others can provide a sense of belonging and purpose.


  • Pursue Personal Growth: Engaging in creative projects, education, or new experiences can help cultivate a deeper sense of meaning.


  • Help Others: Contributing to the well-being of others through acts of kindness or service can provide a strong sense of fulfillment.


Conclusion: Empowerment Through Existential Therapy


Existential therapy provides a framework for individuals to navigate life with resilience and purpose. By confronting existential concerns and actively seeking meaning, people can cultivate a deeper sense of fulfillment and psychological well-being.


In a world where many struggle with questions of identity and purpose, existential therapy offers a guiding light toward self-discovery and personal empowerment.


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



Reference:

Making Caring Common. (2023). On edge: Understanding and preventing young adults’ mental health challenges. https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/on-edge


Carlie Malott

Chris Spadaccino

Crisis Counselor | Guest Writer of Moody Melon Magazine

I’m a junior at Texas State University majoring in Psychology. I’m passionate about supporting others on their mental health journeys and deeply believe that no matter where someone starts, with belief and effort, they can grow into something greater than they ever imagined.


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