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When You Realize You Got It Wrong: Supporting Your Teen Through an Identity Crisis After Being Unsupportive

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 17

Supporting your teen through an identity crisis after being unsupportive takes humility, courage, and a willingness to grow alongside them. It’s never too late to rebuild trust—it starts with listening, apologizing, and choosing connection over control.

When You Realize You Got It Wrong: Supporting Your Teen Through an Identity Crisis After Being Unsupportive

There’s a moment in parenting that’s hard to admit out loud. It’s not the loud fight or the slammed door—it’s what happens after. It’s the cold silence, the withdrawn eyes, or the gut-wrenching moment when you realize your child no longer trusts you with their inner world.


Maybe your teen confided in you about wanting to quit sports—something they’ve done since age five—and instead of asking why, you told them they were being ungrateful or lazy. Maybe they started dressing in ways you didn’t understand, pulling away from your family’s faith traditions, expressing political beliefs that clashed with your own, or admitting they don’t know what they want out of life anymore. Maybe they said they felt numb, anxious, like nothing makes sense anymore—and you told them to toughen up or stop being dramatic.

At the time, you may have thought you were protecting them. You thought discipline or tough love would snap them out of it. But now you realize that what they were offering wasn’t rebellion—it was vulnerability. They weren’t trying to defy you. They were trying to show you who they are becoming—and hoping you’d meet them there.


And the truth is… maybe you didn’t.


But now you’re here. And you’re asking the question that matters most:Is it too late to rebuild the trust I’ve broken?


Why It Hurts—For Both of You


Teenagers don’t come with roadmaps. They are walking contradictions—hungry for independence and desperate for approval all at once. They’re experimenting with new ideas, new clothes, new music, and even new names for themselves. They’re trying to make sense of their world in the middle of a flood of hormones, social pressure, and uncertainty about the future.


This is all part of a normal identity shift—but when your child no longer feels emotionally safe in your presence, they retreat. And the pain of that disconnection cuts both ways. Your teen feels rejected, unseen, or punished for simply exploring who they are. And you, as the parent, are left feeling helpless, confused, and maybe even ashamed.


And here’s the twist—many of us were raised by parents who didn’t know how to hold space for our identities either. You may not have had anyone teach you how to respond with grace when someone you love changes before your eyes. So, when your teen pushes boundaries or brings you hard truths, your first instinct might have been control, not curiosity. Judgment, not understanding.



But the good news? Awareness is the first door back in.


The Turning Point: Awareness and Accountability


There is one sentence that has the power to begin healing even years of distance:

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get it right.”


No excuses. No “but I was just trying to help.” Just the raw truth of your heart.

You might say:


“I see now that I didn’t really listen when you were trying to tell me something important. I pushed you away when I should’ve pulled you closer. I thought I was protecting you, but I ended up making you feel alone. I’m so sorry.”

This kind of humility doesn’t erase the past, but it does soften the present. And for many teens, hearing this opens a door they had assumed was shut forever.


How to Rebuild Connection and Trust


1. Acknowledge Your Impact, Not Just Your Intention


It’s easy to fall back on, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” But healing starts when we stop focusing on our intentions and start focusing on their experience.

Even if you didn’t mean to minimize their feelings or shut them down, the reality is—they felt hurt, dismissed, or unloved. Saying something like:


“I realize now that when I told you to ‘snap out of it,’ it made you feel like your pain wasn’t valid. That wasn’t okay, and I regret it.”

…goes much further than explaining what you meant to say. It tells your child: I’m listening now.


2. Get Curious, Not Controlling


Let go of the desire to manage the outcome. When your child says, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” or “I don’t believe what we used to believe,” or “I don’t want to go to college like everyone else”—don’t jump into solution mode. Instead, pause. Breathe. Listen.

You might ask:


“Can you help me understand what’s been weighing on you lately? What’s changed for you?”

And then—really listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Just be present.


Even if they shrug, say “I don’t know,” or clam up—trust that your calm, open presence is planting seeds. Many teens test the waters to see if you're safe enough for honesty.


3. Do the Work (So They Don’t Have To Carry It All)


Your teen shouldn’t have to bear the weight of your learning curve. If they’re going through an identity crisis related to mental health, spiritual beliefs, gender roles, body image, or anything else, you need to do your own homework.



  • Read books about adolescent development and emotional regulation.

  • Watch videos or read blogs from people who’ve navigated identity shifts.

  • Join parenting forums or therapy groups where others are learning too.


You could say:


“You don’t need to explain everything to me right now. I’ve been doing my own reading and learning. I want to understand you better without putting the pressure on you.”

This tells them: You’re worth my effort.

4. Love Without Conditions


Your teen needs to know that your love isn’t a prize for being “good,” obedient, or familiar. They need to know it’s permanent, even when they’re distant, uncertain, or different from who you imagined they’d be.


Start saying things like:


“I love you no matter what. Even if we don’t see things the same way. Even if you’re still figuring it out. I love you. Period.”

Let that be your baseline. Every single day.


5. Show Up—Consistently and Imperfectly


Healing won’t happen overnight. Your teen may still act cold or skeptical at first. That doesn’t mean your efforts aren’t working—it just means they need time to believe this version of you is real.


Show up in quiet, reliable ways:


  • Leave a note in their backpack.

  • Make their favorite meal without saying a word.

  • Text them, “I’m proud of you,” even if they don’t reply.

  • Invite them for a walk or a coffee without pressure.


Your presence is more powerful than you know. Even when it’s not acknowledged, it’s noticed.


What Teens Wish You Knew (Even If They Can’t Say It)


They may not say it out loud, but most teens are desperately hoping you’ll try again. They’re scared you won’t accept them if they tell you the whole truth. They’re afraid they’ll disappoint you if they stray from the path you laid out for them. But beneath all that… they still want you in their corner.


They don’t need you to be perfect. They just need to know you care enough to keep showing up.


It’s Not Too Late—Not If You’re Willing to Grow


You can’t rewind the moment when you got it wrong. But you can absolutely rewrite what happens next.


This isn’t about fixing your teen. It’s about growing with them. Loving them loudly and consistently, even when you’re unsure. And making sure that when they’re struggling with identity—whether that’s mental health, values, purpose, or direction—they never have to doubt that they’re still worthy of your love.


And maybe, in the end, your teen will choose a life, path, or belief system that looks different from your own. Maybe they’ll chase dreams you never considered or hold values that challenge yours. That’s okay. That’s part of growing up.


Because ultimately—it’s their life to live. And your trust in their ability to navigate it is one of the greatest gifts you can give.


They don’t need a perfect parent. They just need one who stays.


Eye-Opening Question to End With:


If your teen knew—deep in their bones—that your love doesn’t depend on who they become, how differently would they open up to you today? And are you ready to prove it to them?


 

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When the Cuts Run Deeper: How to Stop Your Teen from Self-Harming Through Connection

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 3

If you notice signs of self-harm in your teen, it's crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, rather than judgment. Building open communication, offering support, and encouraging professional help can be key steps in helping stop your teen from self-harming and guiding them toward healthier coping mechanisms.

When the Cuts Run Deeper: How to Stop Your Teen from Self-harming Through Connection

Self-harm is an often misunderstood and deeply troubling behavior, especially for parents who find themselves suddenly facing this heartbreaking reality. The sight of scars on a child’s body can trigger a mix of emotions, from shock to confusion, fear, and helplessness. But here's the truth: it's not too late to say the right words, and it’s never too late to help your teen heal. The key to supporting them is to choose connection over confrontation, understanding over lecturing, and trust over time.


Understanding Self-Harm: It’s Not Just About Pain


Self-harm, or non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), is the intentional act of hurting oneself to cope with emotional pain, stress, or overwhelming feelings. Contrary to popular belief, it's not an attempt to die, but rather a misguided attempt to feel something—anything—in an emotional landscape that feels numb, chaotic, or unbearable. Teenagers, especially, are navigating a turbulent time of emotional, physical, and psychological development, making them vulnerable to using self-harm as a way to regain control or temporarily relieve distress.

It’s crucial to understand that self-harm is not about attention-seeking or rebellion. It’s a desperate attempt to manage feelings that seem too big or too complex to handle. This is why the first step in helping is to acknowledge the underlying emotional struggles your teen is facing, without judgment.



The Importance of Connection: Why Your Relationship Matters


As a parent, your instinct might be to jump into problem-solving mode. It’s natural to want to fix things immediately. But more than anything, your teen needs you to be present, to listen without rushing to solutions, and to connect with them on a deeper level. This connection is what builds trust, and trust is the foundation of healing.


When teens engage in self-harm, they often feel isolated, misunderstood, or disconnected from others. Instead of scolding or lecturing, focus on nurturing your relationship with them. Ask questions—not as a way to pry, but to understand. Offer them the space to talk, and reassure them that their feelings are valid, even if you don’t fully understand them. Avoid reacting with anger or fear; instead, approach the situation with compassion.


How to Help: It’s Never Too Late to Start


Many parents feel paralyzed by guilt, wondering if they missed the signs or if they should have done something sooner. The good news is that it’s never too late to start building a supportive environment. Here are a few ways you can begin:


  1. Open the Lines of Communication: Let your teen know that you are there to listen whenever they are ready to talk. Don’t force the conversation, but make sure they know they are never alone. Simple statements like, "Can we try again? I’m here for you,” and "You can talk to me anytime, no judgment,” can go a long way.


  2. Express Your Love and Care: Teens who self-harm may not always feel worthy of love or support. It’s crucial to affirm your unconditional love and acceptance. Sometimes, just reminding them that you care can make a significant difference.


  3. Encourage Professional Help: While your connection is vital, professional help is equally important. Encourage therapy or counseling to provide your teen with the tools they need to manage their emotions in healthier ways. Be supportive of their therapy journey, and remind them that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.


  4. Be Patient and Non-Judgmental: Healing takes time. There will be ups and downs along the way, and there may be setbacks. The important thing is to be patient and not give up on your teen. Even if they don’t open up immediately, showing consistent support will eventually build the trust needed for them to share their struggles.


  5. Teach Coping Strategies: Instead of scolding, teach your teen healthier ways to manage stress and emotional pain. This could include mindfulness techniques, journaling, physical exercise, or creative activities like painting or playing music. Encourage your teen to explore these alternatives without forcing them.


The Power of Trust: Building a Lifelong Connection


Trust is not something that happens overnight. It takes time to rebuild, especially if your teen has struggled with self-harm in silence. But every step you take toward understanding, loving, and supporting them creates an opportunity for growth and healing. Remember, it’s about building a connection that will last a lifetime—one that shows your teen they are valued and that their struggles do not define them.


A Simple Truth: You Can Make a Difference


As a parent, the emotional weight of knowing your child is struggling with self-harm can feel unbearable. But don’t lose hope. You are not alone in this journey, and it’s never too late to make a positive impact. Your relationship with your teen, built on trust, connection, and love, is one of the most powerful tools you have in helping them heal.


So, the question is—are you ready to choose connection over correction, understanding over judgment, and love over everything else? Your teen’s journey may be long, but it can be a journey you walk together.


 

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Building Strong Bonds: How Parenting in Childhood Shapes Trusting Relationships with Adult Children

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 1

Building trusting relationships with adult children requires ongoing communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to prioritize connection over conflict. By nurturing these bonds from a young age, parents can create a foundation that allows for deeper understanding and support throughout their children's adulthood.

Building Strong Bonds: How Parenting in Childhood Shapes Trusting Relationships with Adult Children

As adults, we often find ourselves reflecting on the relationships we have with our parents—whether they were supportive, strained, or filled with complexity. The reality is, the foundation for these relationships starts long before we reach adulthood. In fact, the way we nurture, communicate, and guide our children in their formative years plays a pivotal role in the nature of our relationship with them when they become adults.


It’s easy to assume that when our children grow up and become independent, the nature of the relationship changes, too. However, the truth is that the seeds of trust, communication, and connection are sown in childhood. Building a close, trusting relationship with your adult child doesn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t something that magically appears when they reach their twenties or thirties. It begins much earlier, when they’re still children.


The Importance of Trust in Childhood


At its core, trust is the cornerstone of any strong relationship. For parents and children, this trust is developed through consistent, open, and empathetic communication. From a young age, children begin to learn how much they can rely on their parents for both emotional and physical support. When parents are there to listen without judgment, provide guidance, and follow through on promises, children internalize these experiences as trust-building moments.


The little moments matter: when you respond calmly and supportively to your child’s fears, when you acknowledge their feelings, when you prioritize their needs over your own. These are the moments that tell children, "I can count on you," and they stay with them long after they’ve grown up.


Setting the Stage for Future Connection


The way you handle difficult conversations in your child’s youth can echo into their adult years. If you create an environment where open communication is valued, where feelings can be shared without fear of criticism, your adult child will feel more comfortable coming to you with their own struggles as they grow older.


It’s also important to remember that children learn by example. If they see you navigating challenges with resilience, honesty, and empathy, they will adopt these behaviors themselves. Modeling healthy emotional regulation, self-reflection, and respectful conflict resolution during their childhood helps set the stage for more meaningful and productive interactions in adulthood.


The Power of Empathy


Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in cultivating lasting trust. When parents take the time to understand their children’s perspectives—acknowledging their unique emotions, struggles, and experiences—they validate their children’s feelings. This validation builds a sense of security that encourages emotional openness.


In fact, research has shown that children who feel understood and supported by their parents are more likely to develop strong social and emotional skills, which will serve them well as they enter adulthood. A parent’s empathy in childhood makes a tremendous difference in how children perceive relationships later in life.


Choosing the Relationship Over "Who's Right"


One of the most powerful ways to maintain a close relationship with your child as they grow older is by prioritizing the relationship itself, rather than focusing on "who’s right" in disagreements. When parents take the stance of being “right” all the time, it creates an environment where children are more likely to shut down emotionally or resist open communication.


It’s natural to want to correct our children when they make mistakes, but the way we do so matters. Opting to approach situations with a spirit of collaboration, rather than a desire to win, helps to strengthen the bond. Sometimes, even when it feels like the stakes are high, choosing the relationship over being right fosters trust. It tells your child that you value them as a person—flaws and all—and that you’re not more concerned with being in control than with nurturing a healthy connection.


When your child feels that they are seen and heard, rather than just “corrected” or “taught a lesson,” they are more likely to continue coming to you for advice and emotional support as adults. In the long term, this approach ensures that the relationship remains strong, built on mutual respect and understanding.


Navigating the Transition to Adulthood


As your children enter adulthood, it’s essential to strike a balance between maintaining boundaries and continuing to offer emotional support. The adolescent years are often marked by a desire for independence, and as parents, it’s important to respect that while still remaining emotionally available. If you’ve laid the foundation of trust and understanding during their childhood, transitioning into an adult relationship can be smoother.


Adulthood brings with it new challenges for both parents and children. Your child may seek advice on relationships, career decisions, or life choices—moments that present opportunities to reinforce the trust you've built over the years. Remember, this relationship is not one-sided; it’s a dynamic process of mutual respect and communication.


The Key to Sustaining Close Relationships with Adult Children


While the transition from parent-child to an adult-adult relationship may feel like a natural evolution, it requires continued effort. Here are a few key points to keep in mind:


  • Respect their autonomy: Give your adult children the space to make their own decisions while offering guidance when needed. Trust that they have internalized the values you’ve taught them.


  • Continue to listen: Even as they grow older, don’t stop being an active listener. Whether they’re talking about their work, relationships, or personal challenges, your listening ear will strengthen your bond.


  • Offer support, not control: The days of guiding every aspect of your child’s life are over. Instead, offer unconditional support, even if it’s just a phone call to check in. Let them know you’re there without overstepping.


  • Celebrate their milestones: Whether it’s a career achievement, a marriage, or starting a family, celebrate their successes and show that you value their growth and independence.


Conclusion: The Long-Term Impact of Childhood Trust


The foundation for a strong, trusting relationship with your adult child is built through a series of intentional actions taken over the years. It’s about showing up emotionally, building empathy, and fostering open communication from the moment they’re born. As your child matures into adulthood, the trust you've developed will be the bedrock of your relationship, allowing both of you to navigate life’s challenges together.


So, how can you choose the relationship over being "right" in your interactions with your child today, knowing it will lay the groundwork for a stronger bond in their adulthood?


 

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