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Tiny Tempests: Understanding Toddler Meltdowns and Building Big Emotional Muscles

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jul 11

Toddler meltdowns are often dismissed as dramatic outbursts or labeled as irrational behavior, leaving parents feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. But what if we shifted our perspective? What if, instead of viewing them as problems to fix, we saw them as powerful indicators of emotional growth, brain development, and moments ripe for connection?

Tiny Tempests: Understanding Toddler Meltdowns and Building Big Emotional Muscles

Every parent or caregiver has experienced it — the piercing scream in the middle of a store, the sudden tears at bedtime, the spaghetti thrown to the floor in a moment of frustration. Toddler meltdowns are often seen as dramatic, irrational, and exhausting. But what if we looked at them differently — as signs of emotional growth, brain development, and opportunities for connection?


Welcome to the messy, magical world of toddler emotional development — where every tantrum is a signal, and every reaction has a reason.



Why Do Toddlers Melt Down?


To understand meltdowns, we need to understand the toddler brain.


During the early years (ages 1–3), a child’s brain is under rapid construction. The amygdala, the emotional center of the brain, is fully active — like a loudspeaker for big feelings. But the prefrontal cortex, which manages reasoning, impulse control, and decision-making, is still in the early stages of development.


This imbalance means toddlers often feel things deeply but lack the internal tools to handle those emotions.


Meltdowns typically stem from:


  • Frustration (e.g., not being able to express what they want)

  • Fatigue (overstimulated or tired)

  • Hunger (basic needs not met)

  • Change or unpredictability (they crave routine)

  • Overstimulation (too much noise, people, or choices)


Understanding this helps us move from reaction to compassion. Your toddler isn’t being bad — they’re doing their best with the skills they currently have.


How to Nurture Emotional Health in Toddlers


1. Name the Feeling: Building Emotional Literacy


Labeling emotions teaches children that what they feel is real — and manageable.


Saying, “You’re sad because your block tower fell over” validates their experience. Over time, toddlers learn to associate sensations in their body (tight chest, tears, clenched fists) with specific feelings like sadness, anger, or fear.


Why it matters: This is the foundation of emotional intelligence. Kids who can identify emotions are more likely to regulate them, develop empathy, and build healthy relationships later in life.



Try this:


  • Use books and pictures to explore faces and emotions.

  • Introduce emotion cards or a “feelings chart.”

  • Reflect your own feelings too: “I’m feeling proud of you right now.”


2. Stay Calm and Present: Co-Regulation is Key


When your toddler is emotionally flooded, your presence becomes their safety net. Toddlers aren’t yet capable of calming themselves — this is known as co-regulation, the process of an adult helping a child return to a calm state.


What this looks like:


  • Get down to their level.

  • Speak in a calm, steady voice.

  • Offer simple comfort: a hug, soft toy, or just sitting nearby.


Why it matters: Your calm nervous system helps soothe theirs. This is not the time for discipline or logic. First, regulate the storm — then teach the lesson.


Parent tip: You won’t always feel calm. That’s normal. When you lose your cool, model repair: “I was feeling overwhelmed, and I yelled. I’m sorry. Let’s try again together.”


3. Model Emotional Regulation: Be the Example


Toddlers are always watching. How you deal with your own emotions is their most powerful lesson.


Show them:


  • How to take deep breaths.

  • How to pause before reacting.

  • How to say “I’m upset” without yelling or blaming.


Why it matters: Toddlers learn best through imitation. By seeing you manage frustration, disappointment, or anger constructively, they begin to internalize those skills.


Try this in action:


  • “I’m frustrated that the car won’t start. I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”

  • “I’m sad Grandma had to leave. I’m going to have a cup of tea and call her tomorrow.”


You don’t have to be perfect — just intentional and reflective.


4. Create Predictable Routines: The Power of Consistency


For toddlers, the world is big, fast, and sometimes scary. Routines offer a sense of safety and predictability. When they know what to expect, their emotional system stays more regulated.


Why it matters: Routine reduces anxiety and builds trust. It also helps toddlers transition between activities, which is often a trigger for meltdowns.


What this looks like:


  • Consistent bedtime, mealtime, and playtime routines.

  • Visual schedules (pictures of daily events).

  • Gentle warnings before transitions: “In five minutes, we’ll clean up for lunch.”


Pro tip: Routines don’t have to be rigid — they just need to be reliable. Flexibility within a familiar structure builds both confidence and resilience.


5. Encourage Expressive Play: Emotions Need Outlets


Play is a toddler’s language. Through play, children process experiences, express emotions, and explore solutions.


How to support this:


  • Offer open-ended toys (blocks, dolls, puppets).

  • Use art supplies to “draw your feelings.”

  • Join in pretend play: “Oh no, Teddy is sad. What should we do to help him?”


Why it matters: Play reduces stress and builds emotional flexibility. It allows toddlers to rehearse real-life scenarios and experiment with emotional responses.


Watch for cues: Often, how a toddler plays reflects how they feel. A toy repeatedly falling, characters arguing — these can be clues to emotions they can’t yet verbalize.


Developmental Emotional Milestones (1–4 Years)


Understanding what's typical can help caregivers respond with empathy rather than concern. Here’s a general guide:

Age

Emotional Milestones

12–18 months

Begins to show separation anxiety, seeks comfort from caregivers, imitates emotions.

18–24 months

Can name basic emotions (“happy,” “mad”), begins showing empathy (e.g., comforting a crying peer).

2–3 years

Uses words more often to express feelings, begins to delay gratification, tantrums may peak due to frustration.

3–4 years

Better understanding of others’ feelings, begins to negotiate or problem-solve in social settings, uses coping strategies (hugs, walking away).

Every child develops at their own pace. If emotional outbursts are extreme, frequent, or continue well beyond toddler years, it may be worth consulting a pediatrician or developmental specialist.


Self-Regulation: The Long Game


Self-regulation isn’t learned in a week — it’s a gradual skill that develops across years, with support, repetition, and patience.


You may not see progress overnight. But every meltdown handled with empathy, every emotion named, and every moment of connection is building long-term emotional resilience.


Look for small signs:


  • They take a deep breath instead of hitting.

  • They come to you for help instead of melting down.

  • They start to say, “I’m mad” instead of screaming.


These are powerful victories.


The Big Picture


Supporting toddler emotional health isn’t about preventing all meltdowns — it’s about showing up with understanding during them. It’s about guiding rather than controlling, modeling rather than preaching, and staying connected through the chaos.


In doing so, you're not just managing behavior — you’re raising a future adult who can navigate life with empathy, resilience, and emotional clarity.


So the next time your toddler has a meltdown, ask yourself: Are they falling apart — or just beginning to come together?



References:

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2023). Developmental Milestones. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones


Zero to Three. (2022). Social-Emotional Development: What to Expect and When. Retrieved from: https://www.zerotothree.org/


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Not for Display: The Quiet Revolution of Women Reclaiming Themselves

  • Writer: Linda Liu | Mental Health Advocate | Guest Writer
    Linda Liu | Mental Health Advocate | Guest Writer
  • Jul 2
Not for Display: The Quiet Revolution of Women Reclaiming Themselves

When I was an undergraduate, I spent a summer interning at a public school in a small Chinese city where my relatives work. I noticed a disturbing trend: the quietest, most reserved girls were often assigned to sit next to the most disruptive boys—sometimes even known bullies. Confused, I asked a teacher why this was the case. "We've always done it this way," she replied. "It helps keep the class in order." I pushed further—why not pair those boys with calm boys instead? She paused. Then repeated, "We've always done it this way."


When I asked how they compensated these girls for bearing that emotional burden, the teacher said, "We praise them for being so mature."


But I wanted to scream: since when did being silent become a girl's job? And since when did "being mature" mean enduring more?



Early Conditioning


Girls around the world are taught—through media, school, family, and culture—to see themselves not through their own eyes, but through others’. In East Asian contexts especially, girls learn early that being "obedient," "quiet," "pretty but not provocative" is what earns approval. They're encouraged to be passive, to endure discomfort, and to regulate their behavior for the sake of others. Meanwhile, boys are often praised for being bold, disruptive, and ambitious. Male curiosity is framed as exploration; female curiosity, as a threat.


Popular media reinforces these roles. Early Disney films taught girls that passivity leads to reward—Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella are all "saved" by male heroes. Female protagonists rarely solve their own problems; instead, they are rewarded for their beauty, compliance, and suffering. In contrast, male heroes undergo growth arcs based on courage, agency, and self-realization.


The problem runs deeper in contemporary cinema. In The Flowers of War, the real-life bravery of Minnie Vautrin—a U.S. female missionary who protected thousands of Chinese women during the Nanjing Massacre—is rewritten into a narrative centered around a white male priest who becomes the savior. In Heroes in Harm's Way, a real story about an epileptic boy who accidentally removed a nurse's mask during pandemics is reimagined with a mischievous little girl as the culprit, subtly shifting blame onto a female body. Meanwhile, Memoirs of a Geisha, Scent of a Woman, and Malèna transform women into objects of erotic mystery—loved not for who they are, but for how they make men feel.


Even sports entertainment isn't immune: Many professional female cheerleaders would love to express strength, athleticism, and artistry—but in leagues like the NBA or NFL, systemic expectations often confine them to narrowly defined roles that prioritize sex appeal over personal expression. WNBA games, however, don’t include male cheerleaders in equivalent sexy outfits—because the system was never designed to serve the female gaze.


As Fredrickson and Roberts (1997) explain in Objectification Theory, girls internalize these cues early, learning to see themselves as objects to be evaluated. Naomi Wolf (1991) calls this the "beauty myth"—a system designed to keep women consumed by their appearance rather than their power.



Internalization & Mental Health Impact


In many East Asian cultures, girls are subjected to early and rigid appearance-based conditioning. Beauty is narrow—fair skin, slender limbs, soft voice, modest dress. A girl must be good before she is loud, small before she is heard. If she excels academically, she hears, "Boys are smarter in the long run." If she rebels, she hears, "Girls shouldn't act like that."


In many Western cultures, girls experience a different but equally harmful pressure: early sexualization. They are encouraged to be sexy but not slutty, confident but not loud, desirable but always in control of their desirability. This creates an exhausting double bind. As Gill (2007) notes, this postfeminist sensibility rebrands self-objectification as empowerment, while Tolman (2002) shows how early sexualization leads to chronic self-surveillance and boundary confusion.


The result comes to low self-esteem, body shame, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and an overwhelming sense of never being enough.


Healing & Reclaiming Agency


But healing is happening. More and more women are seeking therapy—not because they are broken, but because they want to reconnect with the parts of themselves that were silenced. They're learning to reparent their inner child, to question the rules they were taught, and to define their own worth.


They're exploring body neutrality—the idea that a body doesn't have to be beautiful to be valuable. For example, try to tell yourself: my body is healthy, it can help me shine in the workplace and enjoy life, it does not need to meet everyone’s expectations.  That a body is worthy because it houses life, not because it earns likes.


Today, women are building communities with other women—places where they can talk honestly about shame, fear, and joy. Where being heard is not a privilege, but a practice. This piece is not written about women, but with them. We are not objects to be dissected, improved, or pitied. We are participants in a quiet revolution—reclaiming our right to take up space, to feel safe in our skin, to matter beyond how we look.


Women are not for display, and we were never meant to be. The world may teach us to shrink, but we are learning to expand.


References:

Fredrickson, B. L., & Roberts, T.-A. (1997). Objectification theory: Toward understanding women’s lived experiences and mental health risks. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 21(2), 173–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1997.tb00108.x


Gill, R. (2007). Gender and the media. Polity Press.


Tolman, D. L. (2002). Dilemmas of desire: Teenage girls talk about sexuality. Harvard University Press.


Wolf, N. (1991). The beauty myth: How images of beauty are used against women. Harper Perennial.


American Psychological Association, Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls. (2007). Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls. https://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report-full.pdf


Carlie Malott

Linda Liu

Mental Health Advocate | Guest Writer of Moody Melon Magazine

I am a graduate student at the University of Minnesota, passionate about fostering authentic human connection and emotional well-being in professional and personal spaces. I am a certified Mental Health First Aider by the National Council for Mental Wellbeing. I write to honor vulnerability, resilience, and hope.

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Feel It to Heal It: 4 Sensory Tools to Help Kids Feel Safe Inside

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 23

Sensory tools that help kids feel safe can create calm in moments of overwhelm, offering comfort through touch, sound, smell, and movement. When used with care, they can turn scary feelings into manageable ones, giving children the power to understand and regulate their emotions.

Feel It to Heal It: 4 Sensory Tools to Help Kids Feel Safe Inside

When kids go through scary or hard things, their brains and bodies can feel like they’re always on high alert—even when nothing bad is happening. Loud noises, big feelings, or sudden changes might make them want to run, hide, or explode. That’s not bad behavior—it’s the body trying to protect itself.


The good news? There are ways to help kids feel safer, calmer, and more in control. These simple sensory tools don’t just make kids “behave”—they help them heal.



Here are four kid-friendly strategies that use the five senses to build comfort, calm, and confidence:


1. Peel the Anger Onion


Anger is like an onion—it has layers. When kids feel mad, they might also be feeling hurt, scared, or left out underneath. Drawing or imagining an “anger onion” helps them explore what’s hiding inside their big feelings.


Try this: Draw an onion with layers labeled: "mad," "frustrated," "sad," "scared," "lonely," etc. When a child is upset, sit together and gently ask: What’s under your mad today? Let them color or point to how they feel. This helps them name their emotions—and naming them is the first step to calming them.


2. Make a Worry Box


Kids with trauma often hold a lot of worries inside. A Worry Box is a safe place where they can “put away” those fears for a little while. It teaches them that worries don’t have to stay stuck in their heads.


Try this: Let the child decorate a small box or jar. When a worry pops up, they can write it down (or draw it) and put it inside. You might say: We can visit those worries later, but for now, they’re safe in the box. Over time, this gives kids power over their thoughts—and shows them they don’t have to carry everything alone.


3. Collect a Calming or Bored Bag


Some kids need extra comfort when they’re bored, waiting, or feeling “too much.” A calming bag filled with sensory tools can help them settle, fidget safely, or just feel okay when things around them don’t.


Try this: Use a lunchbox or pencil case and fill it with cozy or fun items: a soft fabric scrap, a squishy toy, a fidget spinner, noise-canceling headphones, a feather, a scented sticker, or a mini picture book. Invite them to use it whenever their body feels buzzy, bored, or blah.


4. Belly Breathing: Your Superpower Tool


Belly breathing is like a superhero move for your nervous system. It helps kids feel calmer from the inside out—especially when they’ve learned the world isn’t always safe.


Try this: Have the child lie down with a stuffed animal on their belly. As they breathe in slowly through their nose, the stuffed animal rises. As they breathe out through their mouth, it falls. You can say, Let’s help your teddy go on a little ride. Just one minute of this can help slow their heart rate and make their brain feel safer.


These sensory tools help kids feel like they matter—and that their feelings make sense. For children with trauma, they’re not just calming tricks—they’re invitations to feel safe, seen, and supported.



Now ask them (or yourself):


If your feelings could talk, what would they ask you to do to help them feel safe today?


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