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Don’t Leave Me: What Distance Feels Like for Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 19

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often experience intense emotions, unstable relationships, and a deep fear of abandonment. Supporting someone with BPD requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to offer reassurance even when it's hard.

Don’t Leave Me: What Distance Feels Like for Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Imagine standing at the edge of a cliff, screaming for someone to hold your hand—but they’re just far enough away that you can’t reach them, and you're not sure if they’re walking toward you… or away. That’s what emotional distance can feel like for someone living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).


For many, a text message left unanswered or a slight change in tone during a conversation may be brushed off as normal. But for someone with BPD, these moments can ignite a powerful storm of fear, shame, and panic. It’s not about being dramatic. It’s about living with a brain wired to expect abandonment and wired for survival.


The Abyss of Abandonment


At the heart of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment—whether real, imagined, or tiny in nature. To the outside world, it might seem irrational. But for someone with BPD, every sign of distance feels like a prelude to loss. It doesn’t matter if the other person is just busy, tired, or emotionally preoccupied—their absence can feel like a vanishing act. And when that feeling hits, it’s not just emotional. It’s physical. It can feel like free-falling in an empty room, like your chest is hollow, your breath caught somewhere between grief and terror.

This is why distance, even emotional or momentary, becomes so unbearable.



The Need for “Too Much” Reassurance


You might hear someone with BPD say things like:


  • “Are you mad at me?”

  • “Do you still love me?”

  • “You’re going to leave, aren’t you?”


It’s not manipulation—it’s self-protection. Because when your inner world is a battleground between needing closeness and fearing it will disappear, reassurance becomes a lifeline. Repeating, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” might feel excessive to some, but for someone with BPD, it’s like oxygen in an emotional blackout.


Persistence Is the Superpower


What makes the biggest difference? Consistent, compassionate presence.


Comfort that shows up over and over, even when it feels repetitive. Not perfection—just persistence. A quiet message that says, “You’re not too much. I’ll stay with you through the waves.”


Whether you're a therapist, partner, friend, or family member, your grounded presence helps rewrite the narrative. You’re offering a counter-voice to the inner scream that says, “Everyone leaves.”

Sometimes it’s not about finding the perfect thing to say. Sometimes it’s about showing up again tomorrow. And the next day.


But what if they push you away when you try again and again?


Well… try again.


If you love or care about this person deeply—even if part of you feels annoyed, frustrated, or hurt in the moment—keep showing up. That consistency, even in the face of rejection, is what's needed most. That’s what begins to undo the lifelong story of abandonment. That’s what ultimately brings you closer.



So here’s the question:


If someone’s heart is built like a room with too many exit signs, are you willing to be the person who keeps coming back in?


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Understanding the Push-Pull Dynamic in Borderline Personality Disorder

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 11

The push and pull dynamic in Borderline Personality Disorder often leads individuals to both desperately seek connection and fear it at the same time. This internal conflict can create a cycle where the person alternates between pushing others away and pulling them back in, struggling to find stability in their relationships.

How to Walk Away from an Argument with a Borderline Partner Without Triggering Abandonment Fears

If you’ve ever tried to leave an argument with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you know it’s rarely as simple as taking a deep breath and stepping away. A moment meant for cooling off can quickly spiral into accusations, panic, or emotional pursuit.


To someone with BPD, space can feel like abandonment—and abandonment can feel like devastation.


Understanding the Panic Behind the Pursuit


At the heart of BPD is a deep-rooted fear of being left. For your partner, you walking away during conflict may not register as a healthy boundary, but instead as confirmation of their worst fear: “You’re leaving me. I’m unlovable. I’ve been rejected again.”


This fear isn’t just emotional—it’s visceral. It can trigger intense anger, clinging, or desperate attempts to pull you back in, even if the argument has become destructive for you both.


But Here’s the Truth: You Can Step Away—With Compassion and Confidence


Leaving doesn’t have to mean abandonment. It can mean de-escalation. The key is in how you leave.


Here are some strategies that may help you protect your boundaries without reinforcing your partner’s fears:


1. Announce, Don’t Disappear


Before stepping away, clearly communicate your intention to return. Speak confidently, like you mean it, and look them in the eyes when you say it.Try something like:"I care about you, and I want to talk this through, but I need a break to calm down so we don’t hurt each other more. I’ll check in with you in 30 minutes."Even if they don’t believe you at first, consistency over time will show them you mean what you say.


2. Use the Power of Predictability


If this is a recurring pattern, create a plan together outside of conflict. Agree on a code word, time-out process, or specific routine that allows for space without spiraling fear. The more predictable the pause, the less threatening it feels.


3. Don’t Match the Intensity


When emotions are high, your calm might be the only oxygen in the room. Resist the urge to defend, yell back, or walk out mid-sentence. Instead, validate their emotions (not the accusations), then exit as gently as possible.


"I see how upset you are. I don’t want to fight with you. I’ll be back soon so we can talk when we’re both in a better place."


4. Hold the Line with Kindness


If your partner follows you, begs you not to leave, or lashes out, stay calm and firm. It’s okay to repeat yourself gently. Reassure, don’t retreat into silence or coldness. Boundaries enforced with warmth are less likely to be interpreted as punishment.


5. Know When to Reassess


If leaving during conflict always results in escalation, harm, or cycles you can’t break—even with healthy efforts—it may be time to bring in a therapist or consider whether the relationship is safe or sustainable for you long-term.


Walking away doesn’t make you cruel. In fact, it may be the most loving thing you can do in a heated moment—for both of you. It's about protecting your nervous systems, not punishing anyone.


But here’s the real question: Can you love someone deeply without losing your right to peace? 💬


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The Emotional Tornado of BPD: Understanding the Urge to Lash Out

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Feb 3

The emotional tornado of BPD can whip up a storm of intense feelings, leaving you caught in a whirlwind of fear, anger, and desperation. In the chaos, it’s hard to distinguish between past wounds and present reality, making it difficult to find calm in the eye of the storm.

The Emotional Tornado of BPD: Understanding the Urge to Lash Out

For those living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), emotional intensity is both a blessing and a curse. The capacity to feel emotions deeply—whether love, anger, or sadness—can bring moments of profound connection and empathy. But when those emotions spiral out of control, they can lead to impulsive reactions that hurt others and, ultimately, ourselves. One of the most destructive patterns for someone with BPD is the tendency to lash out when feeling triggered by perceived rejection, abandonment, or an overwhelming emotional experience.


If you’re someone who has found yourself lashing out in relationships, whether by shouting, withdrawing, or acting impulsively, you may be caught in a cycle that’s hard to break. But understanding why this happens and learning how to manage it can be transformative, not only for your relationships but for your own emotional well-being.


Why Do People with BPD Lash Out?


At the core of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. This fear can trigger an emotional response that feels all-consuming. When you perceive a threat—real or imagined—of losing someone you care about, your fight-or-flight instinct kicks in. In the case of someone with BPD, fighting can often look like explosive anger, defensive reactions, or sudden, impulsive outbursts.



These emotional reactions are rarely about the present situation. Instead, they are often a response to unresolved past trauma, a fractured sense of self, or a pattern of unstable relationships. Because of this, the feelings can feel overwhelmingly real in the moment, even though they might not be rooted in reality.


When emotions take over, it can seem impossible to stop yourself from acting out. But the key to stopping this pattern starts with understanding the root cause of the anger and learning how to slow down long enough to respond rather than react.


The Power of Impulse Control: Why It Feels Impossible to Stop


People with BPD often struggle with impulsivity, and this is particularly true when emotions run high. The emotional storms can be so overwhelming that it’s difficult to pause, think, and assess the situation before reacting. You might say things in anger that you regret later, or act out in a way that pushes people away when you actually crave connection.


What’s happening in these moments is a lack of emotional regulation, which is a hallmark of BPD. Your brain is flooded with overwhelming emotions, and the ability to pause and respond thoughtfully is diminished. In other words, it’s not that you want to lash out, it’s that the urge to do so feels nearly impossible to control in the heat of the moment.


The First Step: Recognizing Your Triggers


The most crucial step in learning to stop lashing out is recognizing what triggers you. Often, these triggers are tied to feelings of abandonment, rejection, or perceived criticism. For example, you might react with anger if you feel dismissed, ignored, or misunderstood. The feeling of being "not good enough" or "unworthy" can also trigger a defensiveness that leads to outbursts.


Tip: Keep a journal to track moments when you feel the urge to lash out. What happened right before you felt triggered? Were there specific words or behaviors that set you off? By identifying these patterns, you can start to anticipate when you might be emotionally triggered and take steps to manage your reactions before they spiral.


Building Emotional Resilience: It’s Not About Control, It’s About Awareness


Lashing out is often a way to cope with intense emotions, but in the long term, it creates more chaos than relief. Building emotional resilience is key to stopping this cycle. Emotional resilience isn’t about repressing or "controlling" your emotions; it’s about learning how to manage them in a healthy way. The goal is to give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling without acting impulsively.


Tip: Mindfulness exercises can help you become more aware of your emotions before they take over. Practices like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or simple awareness of your thoughts and feelings can help you slow down when you feel the urge to react. The idea is to pause before speaking or acting.


For example, when you feel triggered, try saying to yourself, “I feel anger, but I don’t have to act on it right now.” Breathe deeply, and allow yourself a moment to process. Giving yourself a few seconds to “reset” can be a powerful tool for avoiding an outburst.


Practice Self-Compassion


Many people with BPD struggle with feelings of shame and guilt after lashing out. You might feel as though you’ve damaged your relationships, or that you're “bad” for acting impulsively. However, it’s important to remember that emotional outbursts are part of the disorder, not a reflection of your worth. Being kind to yourself in the aftermath of a meltdown can be just as crucial as learning to control your impulses in the future.


Tip: When you do lash out, take responsibility for your actions without self-blame. Apologize, but also give yourself grace. Healing from BPD is a process, and there will be setbacks. The goal isn’t perfection, but progress.


Therapy: The Key to Long-Term Change


Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one of the most effective treatments for people with BPD who want to learn how to manage their emotions and reduce impulsive behaviors. DBT focuses on teaching skills such as distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and mindfulness, all of which can help prevent outbursts. In therapy, you can learn how to work through emotional distress in a healthier way and build stronger, more stable relationships.


Tip: If you’re in therapy or considering it, be open with your therapist about your struggle with lashing out. A therapist trained in DBT can help you develop personalized strategies for managing your reactions and help you understand the underlying causes of your anger.


Breaking the Cycle: How to Start Today


The road to stopping emotional outbursts can feel daunting, but it begins with small steps. By understanding your triggers, learning to pause before reacting, and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to break the cycle of lashing out. With therapy, mindfulness, and consistent effort, it is possible to rewrite the patterns of emotional chaos into ones of control, communication, and healthy connection.


Eye-Opening Question: Can you challenge yourself to pause before reacting, even when the urge to lash out feels overwhelming?


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