Building Bridges, Not Walls: How to Use DBT to Strengthen Your Relationship

By using DBT to strengthen your relationship, you can improve communication, manage intense emotions, and create a deeper, more compassionate connection with your partner.

In any relationship, emotions run deep, and when conflict arises, they can either bring you closer or drive you further apart. If one partner struggles with emotional regulation, such as someone dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), these emotions can feel overwhelming and hard to manage. But what if there were tools that could help you navigate these turbulent waters together, building understanding and resilience along the way?

Enter Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)—a therapeutic approach originally developed to help people with BPD manage intense emotions, improve interpersonal skills, and enhance emotional regulation. While DBT is often used individually in therapy, its principles can also be incredibly beneficial for couples who are looking to improve their communication and connection.

What is DBT?

DBT was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the 1980s to help people with BPD regulate their emotions and improve their relationships. At its core, DBT combines cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) with mindfulness and acceptance practices. It focuses on balancing acceptance and change, teaching individuals how to manage overwhelming emotions without resorting to destructive behaviors like self-harm, substance abuse, or angry outbursts.

For couples, DBT offers practical strategies to navigate emotional intensity, reduce conflict, and increase empathy and understanding. While originally designed for individuals, many of DBT’s core concepts can be applied directly to relational dynamics.

Key DBT Skills for Couples:

1. Mindfulness: Staying Present During Conflict Mindfulness is about being fully present in the moment—without judgment. In a relationship, when emotions run high, it’s easy to get lost in old patterns of thinking, reacting, and defending. However, by practicing mindfulness, both partners can create space between the feeling and the reaction.

   
   

   How to Use It: During a disagreement, take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Focus on your breath, notice what you’re feeling, and try to observe the situation without immediately jumping into defense mode. This can help both of you slow down the conversation and create space for more thoughtful responses.

   
   

   Why it Helps: Mindfulness helps break reactive patterns. By taking a step back before responding, both partners are more likely to respond in ways that are less defensive and more constructive.

   
   

2. Distress Tolerance: Navigating High-Emotion Moments Distress tolerance skills teach you how to tolerate emotional pain without making the situation worse. In a relationship, especially when one partner struggles with intense emotions, distress tolerance can be crucial in managing situations before they escalate.

   
   

   How to Use It: When you feel overwhelmed or your partner’s emotions become intense, try to stay grounded in the present moment. Use self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing, counting to 10, or grounding exercises (e.g., focusing on the sensations of your feet on the floor or the feeling of your hands in your lap).

   
   

   Why it Helps: Distress tolerance enables you to avoid reactive behavior like yelling, shutting down, or withdrawing. It creates a healthier way of managing emotional discomfort, keeping the dialogue open instead of shutting it down.

   
   

3. Emotional Regulation: Navigating Your Emotional Responses DBT teaches emotional regulation, which involves recognizing your emotions, understanding their triggers, and learning how to express them in healthy ways. This is particularly helpful when one partner experiences emotional extremes and the other partner feels unsure of how to respond.

   
   

   How to Use It: Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to understand what you’re feeling and why. You might say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because I don’t feel heard. Let’s take a break and come back to this later.” The key is to express your emotions constructively without blaming or attacking your partner.

   
   

   Why it Helps: Emotional regulation encourages both partners to take responsibility for their emotions rather than blaming each other. It creates space for both partners to express themselves without the risk of emotional overload or miscommunication.

   
   

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Communicating Needs and Boundaries One of DBT’s most valuable tools for couples is interpersonal effectiveness—the ability to assertively express needs, set healthy boundaries, and maintain self-respect without harming the relationship.

   
   

   How to Use It: When you need something from your partner, use the DEAR MAN technique (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate). For example, “I need you to listen to me without interrupting when I’m upset (Describe). I feel ignored and frustrated when you don’t listen to me (Express). I’m asking you to listen for just five minutes before responding (Assert). It would help me feel understood (Reinforce).”

   
   

   Why it Helps: Interpersonal effectiveness skills allow both partners to communicate clearly and respectfully, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts. It also strengthens the relationship by ensuring that each person feels seen and valued.

   
   

5. Validation: Acknowledging and Accepting Emotions Validation is a cornerstone of DBT. It’s the practice of acknowledging and accepting your partner’s feelings—whether or not you agree with them. For couples dealing with emotional dysregulation, validation can help soothe feelings of hurt or frustration.

   
   

   How to Use It: When your partner expresses their emotions, try to say things like, “I can see that this situation is really upsetting for you” or “I understand that you’re feeling hurt right now.” This simple act of validation can prevent escalation and help your partner feel seen and supported.

   
   

   Why it Helps: Validation fosters emotional safety, making it easier for both partners to share their feelings without fear of judgment. When each person feels validated, it becomes easier to navigate conflict and strengthen emotional intimacy.

   
   

How DBT Transforms Your Relationship:

When you introduce DBT skills into your relationship, you’re not just learning tools to fight less—you’re learning how to love more. DBT emphasizes creating a balance between acceptance and change, both of which are essential for a healthy relationship. The acceptance aspect helps both partners feel understood and respected for who they are, while the change aspect empowers both individuals to grow and adapt together.

By practicing DBT, you’ll learn how to communicate more effectively, manage emotions better, and foster a deeper emotional connection. These skills help you become more resilient as a couple, even during difficult times, allowing you to face challenges without resorting to destructive patterns.

Final Thoughts: A Journey Toward Healing

Using DBT in your relationship is not a quick fix—it’s a journey. But with commitment, patience, and practice, both you and your partner can create a stronger, more empathetic connection. The tools of DBT don’t just help manage conflict—they nurture trust, foster understanding, and deepen emotional intimacy.

Eye-Opening Question: How might your relationship change if both you and your partner were able to communicate your feelings with greater understanding and compassion? And what small step can you take today to start that journey?

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Splitting in an Argument? How to Turn It Around Even When It Feels Impossible

Splitting in an argument can cause intense emotional shifts, where one moment, someone feels like your ally, and the next, they seem like the enemy. Recognizing when you're splitting during a disagreement is the first step to regaining emotional balance and improving communication.

Arguments can be intense. Whether it's with a partner, friend, or family member, disagreements often bring up a lot of emotions. But for those with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), arguments can feel like a full-blown emotional storm. One moment, someone might feel like your biggest ally, and the next, they’re the villain. This emotional shift, known as splitting, can be especially intense during conflicts, leaving you feeling disconnected and trapped in a cycle of emotional extremes.

If you’ve ever found yourself in the midst of an argument and felt your emotions quickly spiral out of control—where you either see the person you’re arguing with as all good or all bad—you're not alone. But here’s the thing: turning things around is possible, even when you’re in the heat of an argument and it feels impossible to regain your emotional balance.

In this article, we’ll explore how to manage splitting during an argument, find your footing, and repair your connection—no matter how intense the disagreement feels.

1. Recognize the Split in Real-Time

The first step in managing splitting during an argument is recognizing it as it happens. When you experience splitting, you might feel an overwhelming shift in how you see the person you’re arguing with. They may seem completely unreasonable, selfish, or "the enemy," even if you once viewed them as a friend or loved one.

This emotional shift happens quickly, and often without warning. The key here is awareness. Recognizing that you’re splitting allows you to take a pause and break the cycle of all-or-nothing thinking. Acknowledge to yourself that you're in a "split" moment. Saying something like, "I’m feeling really upset right now, and my emotions are making me see things in extremes" can help you take a step back, rather than escalating the argument.

2. Take a Break—But Come Back

In the heat of a disagreement, it can be tempting to react impulsively. But when you feel yourself splitting, it’s crucial to take a break. It’s not about avoiding the conversation, but giving yourself time to calm down and reset.

Communicate with your partner or the person you’re arguing with: “I need a moment to cool down before we continue this conversation. Can we take a short break and come back to it?” A brief pause (5 to 10 minutes) can give you the space to regain your emotional equilibrium and prevent saying things you might regret.

During the break, engage in a grounding activity like deep breathing, walking, or even listening to calming music. The goal is to clear your mind, so you can return to the conversation with a more balanced perspective.

3. Reframe Your Thoughts and Feelings

Once you’ve taken a step back, the next step is to challenge your thinking. Splitting makes us view situations in black-and-white terms, but most of life, especially relationships, exists in shades of gray.

Ask yourself:

• What part of this argument is about my own insecurities or fears?

• Could there be another perspective that I haven’t considered?

• How can I find middle ground here instead of seeing this as a win or lose situation?

Reframing your thoughts can help reduce the intensity of your emotions. For instance, if you’re upset with someone for something they said, ask yourself: Is it possible that this person wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me? This shift in thinking can help reduce the emotional charge and allow you to engage in a more thoughtful discussion.

4. Use “I” Statements to Express Your Feelings

During an argument, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of blaming or accusing the other person. This can fuel the emotional fire and make the splitting more intense. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me!" or "You always make things worse," try using “I” statements.

For example, “I feel unheard when we argue like this” or “I feel overwhelmed and upset by what just happened” helps express your emotions without sounding accusatory. This type of communication encourages the other person to listen, rather than get defensive, and can help rebuild trust and understanding in the conversation.

5. Validate Your Own Emotions

Splitting often comes with feelings of being misunderstood or invalidated, which can escalate arguments. But the key to managing splitting is self-validation. You don’t have to wait for the other person to validate your feelings—practice acknowledging them yourself.

Take a moment to remind yourself that your feelings are valid, even if they feel extreme. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or frustrated. Instead of judging yourself for feeling “too much,” accept the emotion and remind yourself that it will pass. This can help prevent the situation from spiraling into a full-on emotional crisis.

6. Practice Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is a core principle of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is often used to treat BPD. It’s about accepting things as they are, without judgment or resistance. In the context of an argument, this means accepting that you and the other person may have different perspectives and that the disagreement doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship.

For example, you may accept that someone said something hurtful, but rather than making it into an all-or-nothing judgment of their character, you can accept the reality of the situation without letting it define the entire relationship.

By practicing radical acceptance, you stop fighting against reality and start responding to the situation with more clarity and emotional control.

7. Commit to Repair and Move Forward

After the storm of emotions has passed, it’s important to reconnect. Don’t leave things unresolved for too long. Whether it’s through a calm conversation or simply acknowledging each other’s feelings, repair work is crucial.

This could be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. I realize I was feeling overwhelmed, and I didn’t mean to say things that hurt you.” Apologizing isn’t about admitting fault or weakness—it’s about acknowledging the emotional toll of the argument and expressing a desire to move forward.

8. Get Professional Support If Needed

Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, it’s still tough to manage splitting on your own. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in addressing the emotional triggers that lead to splitting and learning healthier ways to cope with disagreements. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), in particular, is designed for people with BPD and provides practical tools for managing intense emotions and improving communication in relationships.

If you find yourself struggling with arguments frequently, or if splitting is affecting your relationships, a therapist can help you work through these challenges in a safe and supportive environment.

Conclusion: The Power to Turn Things Around

While splitting during an argument with BPD can feel overwhelming and even impossible to manage, it is absolutely possible to turn things around. The key lies in recognizing the split, taking a break, reframing your thoughts, using effective communication, and practicing self-validation. With time, patience, and consistent practice, you can learn to manage these emotional shifts and turn arguments into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.

Remember, you are not defined by your emotional extremes. Every argument, every moment of conflict, is an opportunity to practice growth and emotional resilience. It’s not about avoiding conflict—it’s about learning how to navigate it with compassion and clarity. You have the power to change the way you handle conflict and, in doing so, strengthen your relationships and your emotional well-being.

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How to Calm Down After an Awful Argument with Someone You Love (Without Stewing for Hours)

Calming down after a tough argument requires taking a step back to reflect and regain emotional control. By practicing deep breathing and empathy, you can reset your emotions and approach the situation with a clearer, more compassionate mindset.

We’ve all been there: a heated argument with someone you love, words exchanged that you didn’t mean, emotions running high, and the lingering tension that just won’t seem to dissipate. Whether it’s with a partner, a family member, or a close friend, the aftermath of an argument can leave us feeling emotionally drained, frustrated, or even regretful. But here’s the thing—learning how to cool off and regain composure after an intense argument is key to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re someone who struggles to "cool off" after an emotional exchange, you're not alone. Some people have a harder time than others with letting go of negative emotions, especially when the argument involves someone they care about deeply. So how do you bring your temperature back to a more manageable level when you’re emotionally overheated?

Let’s explore some practical strategies to help you de-escalate, re-center, and move forward in a way that leads to growth, connection, and better emotional health.

1. Recognize the Heat: Take a Pause

When emotions are running high, the first step is to acknowledge that you’re heated. It sounds simple, but in the moment of an argument, we’re often so caught up in the emotion that we don’t even realize how much we’re escalating the situation. Taking a moment to recognize that you're angry, upset, or overwhelmed can be a powerful tool for self-regulation. It’s okay to admit it: “I’m upset right now and I need a moment.”

The key is to pause. If you can, excuse yourself from the conversation, even briefly. Take a walk around the block, step into a different room, or find a quiet space. This break gives both your mind and body the chance to reset before things spiral out of control.

Why it works: When we’re in a heightened emotional state, the brain’s "fight or flight" response is triggered, and our logical thinking (located in the prefrontal cortex) takes a back seat. A brief break allows the body’s stress response to settle, so you can return to the conversation with more clarity and self-control.

2. Breathe Through the Storm: Deep Breathing

When we’re angry or upset, our breath often becomes shallow and quick, which only fuels our anxiety and irritability. Breathing deeply and slowly can help reverse this physical reaction and activate your body’s relaxation response, bringing down your emotional temperature.

Try this:

• Inhale deeply for a count of 4.

• Hold for 4 counts.

• Exhale slowly for 6 counts.

Repeat this process for several minutes. Focus on the rhythm of your breath and let go of any racing thoughts. You’ll find that even just a few minutes of focused breathing can reduce your emotional intensity and help you think more clearly.

Why it works: Deep breathing slows your heart rate and calms your nervous system, helping to lower stress hormones like cortisol. This physical relaxation can make it easier to step back from the argument and approach the situation with a more grounded perspective.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Sometimes, we try to suppress our feelings in the heat of the moment because we fear appearing weak or overly emotional. However, ignoring your emotions can lead to them building up, intensifying over time, and making it even harder to calm down.

Instead of bottling up your feelings, allow yourself to feel them without judgment. Acknowledge the hurt, frustration, or anger you’re experiencing, and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel upset. You are human, and emotions are a natural response to conflict.

You don’t need to “fix” how you feel immediately—just give yourself the space to experience it without guilt or shame. Emotions are temporary, and the more you allow yourself to process them, the easier it will be to let go of them when you’re ready.

Why it works: When you accept and allow yourself to feel, you take away some of the power these emotions have over you. The more you suppress, the more these feelings build and spill over later. By acknowledging them, you're practicing emotional intelligence, which helps to ease emotional intensity and prevent emotional escalation.

4. Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Practice Empathy

If you’re finding it hard to cool off after an argument, it’s easy to get stuck in your own perspective. However, taking a moment to practice empathy can be a game-changer. Try to see things from the other person’s point of view. What might they have been feeling during the argument? What’s the underlying need or fear driving their words or behavior?

This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but just recognizing that their feelings and experiences are valid can help you soften your emotional charge and create space for reconciliation.

Why it works: Empathy helps shift the focus from winning the argument to understanding the other person’s emotional world. This can reduce defensiveness and foster a sense of connection, making it easier to calm down and find common ground.

5. Reflect and Reframe: Seek Clarity, Not Blame

After the argument, instead of replaying the entire interaction in your head with a focus on who said what and who was wrong, try to reframe the situation. Ask yourself questions like:

• What was the root of the conflict?

• What triggered my emotional response?

• How could I have responded differently to express my feelings more effectively?

  
  

Why it works:This reflection helps you gain insight into your emotional triggers and identify patterns in your communication style. Understanding these dynamics allows you to approach future conflicts in a more mindful, constructive way, preventing similar blow-ups.

6. Apologize, If Needed: Healing Through Vulnerability

If you’ve had time to cool down and reflect, it may be time to offer an apology—especially if you realize that you overreacted or said something hurtful. Apologizing isn’t about admitting defeat; it’s about taking responsibility for your part in the conflict and showing vulnerability.

A simple, heartfelt apology like, “I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. I was upset, and I should have communicated better,” can go a long way in healing the tension and demonstrating your commitment to a healthy relationship.

Why it works: Apologizing acknowledges the other person’s feelings, shows emotional maturity, and helps rebuild trust. It’s a step toward healing, and it encourages open, honest communication.

7. Give It Time: Patience Is Key

Sometimes, the best thing you can do to calm down after an argument is simply give it time. Emotions need space to settle, and not every issue can or should be resolved in one heated moment. Allow both yourself and the other person the grace of time to process and cool off before revisiting the conversation.

Why it works: Time allows for emotional recalibration, which means that when you return to the conversation, you’ll be better equipped to engage thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

Conclusion: Moving Forward with Calm and Connection

Arguments are a natural part of any close relationship, but how you respond afterward can determine the long-term health of the connection. By incorporating these strategies into your emotional toolkit, you can navigate conflict with greater calm, clarity, and compassion—both for yourself and for those you love.

Remember, cooling down isn’t about ignoring or suppressing your feelings; it’s about giving yourself the time, space, and tools to respond from a place of emotional balance rather than reactive heat. When you master the art of cooling off, you’ll find that you can not only weather the storms of conflict more gracefully but also build stronger, more resilient relationships.

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