top of page

FOLLOW US

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Threads
  • LinkedIn

Rethinking Emotional Control in a Keep-It-Together Culture

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Nov 18

Rethinking emotional control means shifting from suppressing feelings to understanding them as valuable signals. When we stop striving for perfect composure, we open the door to deeper healing and authentic emotional expression.

The Moody Melon Show

Got 5 minutes? Join countless listeners who are exploring this powerful topic — listen here.

Rethinking Emotional Control in a Keep-It-Together Culture

When clients walk into therapy saying, “I just need to control my emotions better,” they’re usually repeating a message they’ve absorbed their whole lives. We’re conditioned to believe that calmness equals strength and emotional expression equals instability. Social media tells us to “stay positive,” workplaces reward composure, and families often pass down the message that vulnerability is dangerous or inconvenient.


But this hyperfocus on control creates a paradox:The more tightly we try to control our emotions, the more out of control we often feel.


Fear of losing control can make people disconnect from themselves. They become externally functional—working, parenting, showing up—while internally shutting down. Healing requires more than white-knuckling through emotional storms; it requires learning to understand, feel, and work with emotions rather than against them.



Emotions Don’t Need Controlling—They Need Understanding


Emotions are not misbehaviors. They are messengers. When we suppress them, we don’t make them disappear—we just push them beneath the surface where they create tension, anxiety, physical symptoms, or explosive reactions later on.


Each emotion carries a function:


  • Anxiety warns us of overwhelm or danger.

  • Sadness signals loss or unmet needs.

  • Anger protects values, boundaries, and dignity.

  • Fear heightens awareness and urges caution.

  • Joy reinforces safety and connection.


When clients learn to view emotions as signals rather than threats, they stop battling themselves. The goal becomes understanding the purpose of the feeling, the story behind it, and what it needs—rather than forcing it into silence.


Going With the Flow Isn’t Losing Control


There is a common fear that if people stop “controlling” their emotions, they’ll spiral, fall apart, or become irrational. But emotional flow is not emotional chaos. It’s about allowing emotions to pass through you instead of clinging to them or fighting them.

Going with the flow looks like:


  • noticing a feeling without judging it

  • staying present long enough to understand it

  • letting the emotion rise and fall naturally

  • responding instead of reacting


This approach actually increases emotional stability. Instead of spending energy suppressing or avoiding feelings, clients learn to navigate them with compassion and curiosity. Emotional endurance—not emotional sterility—is what builds confidence.



But What About Anger?


Anger is often the emotion clients fear most—either within themselves or in others. They worry that acknowledging anger means they will lash out or lose control. But anger itself is not the problem; unprocessed anger is.


Healthy anger is a compass. It points toward:


  • violated boundaries

  • mistreatment or injustice

  • misalignment with values

  • unmet needs


Healing involves learning to express anger in ways that clarify, not destroy. This includes pausing before reacting, naming the source of anger, and using assertiveness skills to communicate needs. Anger becomes a tool for empowerment rather than a force of chaos.

Control, in this context, doesn’t mean suppression. It means containment, clarity, and choice.


The Real Goal: Emotional Fluency, Not Emotional Silence


Imagine being fluent in a language—you understand its nuances, its rhythm, its variations. Emotional fluency works the same way. Instead of shutting down emotions, clients develop the ability to:


  • identify what they’re feeling

  • connect emotions to thoughts or triggers

  • sit with discomfort without panic

  • express feelings in healthy ways

  • choose actions that align with their values


This is emotional maturity—not being unshakably calm but being able to navigate emotions with flexibility. Emotional fluency allows clients to feel deeply without becoming overwhelmed, and to act intentionally rather than reflexively.


An Eye-Opening Question:


If you stopped trying to control your emotions… what truths about your life, your boundaries, or your needs might finally be impossible to ignore?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉


More Related Articles:

Stop Smiling Through It: Why We Need to Make Space for Real Emotions in Our Relationships

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 12

We’ve been taught to silence our feelings for the sake of connection—but what if real connection starts with letting them speak?

Stop Smiling Through It: Why We Need to Make Space for Real Emotions in Our Relationships

Most of us didn’t grow up in environments that welcomed full emotional expression. Whether it was being told “You’re too sensitive,” or being praised for being “low-maintenance,” we quickly learned which emotions were “acceptable” and which ones we should tuck away.


The message, though rarely said out loud, was clear: if you want to be loved, be pleasant. Be agreeable. Be calm. Smile through it.


This emotional filtering doesn't disappear in adulthood. In our romantic partnerships, friendships, and even family dynamics, many of us continue to suppress sadness, minimize anger, and soften our truth so we don't seem “too much.”


But here's the paradox: the very thing we do to protect our relationships—hiding our emotions—is often what slowly chips away at their depth and authenticity.


The Cost of Emotional Suppression


Burying our real feelings doesn’t protect connection—it weakens it. When we deny sadness, we miss out on comfort. When we hide frustration, we forfeit opportunities for repair. When we don't voice our hurt, it turns into resentment.


And eventually, those unspoken emotions don’t just go away—they build up. They show up in passive-aggressiveness, in withdrawal, in sudden emotional outbursts that feel “out of nowhere.”


We may think we’re being considerate by keeping our pain to ourselves, but true intimacy can’t grow where emotional honesty is missing. If your partner, friend, or loved one never knows how you're really doing, how can they truly show up for you?


Emotional Honesty Is Not Emotional Chaos


Let’s clear up a huge myth: expressing strong emotions doesn’t mean you’re being unstable or irrational. There’s a difference between emotional honesty and emotional chaos.

Crying, yelling, getting frustrated, feeling overwhelmed—these are all natural responses to being human. What matters is how we express them, not whether we have them in the first place.


  • Crying isn’t weakness. It’s a release. It shows vulnerability and depth.

  • Yelling doesn’t make you toxic. Sometimes it's a cry for understanding after years of being ignored. What matters is returning to connection afterward.

  • Anger isn’t scary—it’s a signal. It often points to something important: a crossed boundary, an unmet need, a lingering wound.

  • Sadness isn’t a burden. It’s an invitation to be supported.


We’ve been conditioned to suppress big emotions, especially in relationships. But what if those big emotions—expressed with care and awareness—are the bridge to deeper connection?


Emotional maturity isn’t about always being composed. It’s about knowing what you’re feeling, expressing it in a safe and honest way, and staying committed to the relationship while you do it.


You’re not “too much” because you feel deeply. You’re real.


How to Encourage Emotional Openness in Your Relationship


It’s not just about expressing your emotions—it’s also about creating space for your partner to do the same. If we want emotionally honest relationships, we need to actively make it safe for others to be real with us.


Here’s how to start:


  • Lead with empathy, not advice. When your partner is upset, don’t rush to solve it. Try: “That sounds really tough. I’m here with you.”

  • Ask deeper questions. Go beyond “Are you okay?” Try: “What’s been weighing on you lately?” or “How did that make you feel?”

  • Validate their experience. Even if you see it differently, you can say: “That makes sense why you’d feel that way.”

  • Listen without judgment. Let them cry, rant, feel—all without trying to correct or shrink it.

  • Celebrate emotional honesty. Thank them when they open up. “I appreciate you telling me. I know that wasn’t easy.”

  • Be emotionally present. Your calm, grounded presence during their emotional moments teaches them that it’s safe to be vulnerable.


When we learn to hold space for each other’s full emotional range, we build trust that no “bad day” or “big feeling” will break the bond.


You’re Allowed to Feel


You don’t have to be easy to love to be worthy of love.


You don’t need to smile through pain, shrink your anger, or apologize for crying just to maintain peace. Real relationships don’t ask you to mute yourself—they invite you to be more of yourself.


And the beautiful part? When you give yourself permission to feel, you show others it’s okay too. That’s how emotional safety becomes a shared language.


It's time we stop treating emotions like threats to our relationships—and start seeing them as the heartbeat of real connection.


Eye-Opening Question to Leave With:


If we only show the parts of ourselves that are easy to love—are we ever really being loved at all?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



More Related Articles:

Navigating the Storm: Understanding and Supporting Children with ADHD

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Sep 9, 2024
Navigating the Storm: Understanding and Supporting Children with ADHDNavigating the Storm: Understanding and Supporting Children with ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders affecting children today. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 6.1 million children in the U.S. have been diagnosed with ADHD, which can significantly impact their daily lives, relationships, and academic performance. Understanding the challenges faced by children with ADHD—and how to support them—can help parents, educators, and caregivers foster an environment where these children can thrive.


What is ADHD?


ADHD is characterized by patterns of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. While many children exhibit these behaviors at some point, for those with ADHD, these traits are more severe, persistent, and interfere with their ability to function effectively in everyday situations. Children with ADHD may struggle with focusing on tasks, following instructions, organizing their work, and waiting their turn in conversations or activities.


For example, meet Liam, a lively 9-year-old with a passion for dinosaurs. While he is bright and curious, Liam often finds it challenging to stay focused in school. He might begin a math assignment but get distracted by the sounds of his classmates or the colorful decorations on the classroom walls, leading him to lose track of his work.


Signs and Symptoms of ADHD


Recognizing ADHD in children can be complex, as many behaviors may be mistaken for normal childhood antics. However, here are some common signs:


- Inattention: Difficulty sustaining attention in tasks, making careless mistakes, and seeming not to listen when spoken to.


- Hyperactivity: Fidgeting, tapping hands or feet, or squirming in seats. Children may be constantly on the go or talk excessively.


- Impulsivity: Acting without thinking, interrupting others, and struggling to wait for their turn.


For example, in group activities, Liam often blurted out answers before the teacher finished asking questions, leading to frustration among his peers and teachers. His impulsivity made it difficult for him to participate effectively in discussions.


The Impact of ADHD


The challenges associated with ADHD can significantly affect a child's self-esteem, social interactions, and academic performance. Children with ADHD may struggle to make and maintain friendships, often feeling misunderstood or left out. They may also face academic challenges due to difficulties with focus and organization.


For example, Liam loved playing soccer but often felt excluded during games. His impulsivity sometimes led to him charging into plays without waiting for his teammates, resulting in missed passes and frustrated friends. This made him question his social skills and feel isolated.


Strategies for Supporting Children with ADHD


Supporting children like Liam requires a combination of understanding, patience, and practical strategies. Here are some effective ways to help:


1. Create Structure and Routine: Establishing a consistent daily routine can help children with ADHD feel more secure and organized. Visual schedules can be particularly beneficial.


For example, Liam’s parents created a colorful chart outlining his daily activities, including homework, chores, and playtime. This visual aid helped him stay on track and reduced anxiety about what was coming next.


2. Break Tasks into Manageable Chunks: Children with ADHD often feel overwhelmed by long assignments. Breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps can help them maintain focus and achieve success.


For example, Liam’s teacher began assigning shorter tasks with clear deadlines. This approach helped Liam complete his work without feeling overwhelmed, and he experienced a sense of accomplishment each time he finished a task.


3. Incorporate Movement Breaks: Allowing children to take short breaks for physical activity can help them release excess energy and improve concentration.


For example, during long periods of seated work, Liam’s teacher implemented "brain breaks"—short intervals where students could stand up, stretch, or dance. This increased focus and engagement during lessons.


4. Use Positive Reinforcement: Encouragement and rewards for positive behavior can motivate children with ADHD to develop better self-regulation and organizational skills.


For example, Liam’s parents introduced a reward system where he earned points for completing homework on time or following classroom rules. Accumulating points allowed him to choose fun activities as rewards, boosting his motivation.


5. Seek Professional Support: Consulting with a mental health professional or pediatrician can provide additional strategies tailored to the child's needs. In some cases, medication may be recommended as part of a comprehensive treatment plan.


For example, after discussions with a child psychologist, Liam's parents decided to explore behavioral therapy alongside academic support. This combination helped Liam develop coping strategies to manage his symptoms effectively.


Conclusion: Celebrating Strengths and Building Resilience


While ADHD presents unique challenges for children, it is essential to recognize the strengths that often accompany the disorder. Children with ADHD can be incredibly creative, energetic, and innovative thinkers. By fostering a supportive environment, providing practical tools, and celebrating their individuality, we can help children like Liam thrive.


In a world filled with distractions and pressures, understanding ADHD is crucial in nurturing resilience and self-confidence in children. With love, patience, and the right strategies, we can empower these children to navigate their journeys, transforming challenges into opportunities for growth and success. Together, let’s create a community where every child, regardless of their struggles, can shine bright and embrace their unique potential.


More Related Articles:

bottom of page