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The Family Scapegoat: What If the Problem Was Never You?

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 28

Being the family scapegoat often means carrying the emotional weight of an entire household's dysfunction—silently, unfairly, and for years. But recognizing the role and reclaiming your worth is the first courageous step toward healing.

The Family Scapegoat: What If the Problem Was Never You?

You were always “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” or “the problem child.” Sound familiar? In many families, there’s an unspoken rule: one person bears the blame when things go wrong. That person is the scapegoat—the emotional dumping ground, often assigned this role since childhood. While it’s rarely discussed openly, scapegoating is more common than most people realize, and its psychological impact can last a lifetime.


Scapegoating is a form of emotional abuse that typically reflects a dysfunctional family system. Instead of addressing their own issues, some families project shame, guilt, or anger onto one person, usually the most emotionally attuned or different child. The scapegoat becomes the “identified problem,” even when their reactions are normal responses to abnormal situations.


What Scapegoating Looks Like


Scapegoating doesn’t always look like yelling or overt cruelty. Sometimes, it’s subtle—and shockingly normalized.


Here are some real-life situations that may sound all too familiar:


  • Your sibling breaks something, but you’re the one who gets blamed because you're “always causing problems.”


  • You speak up about how a family member hurt you, and you're told you’re too dramatic or “just trying to start trouble.”


  • A parent vents their frustrations about work or their marriage by yelling at you for forgetting to take out the trash.


  • At family gatherings, you're constantly the butt of the joke—“It’s just teasing,” they say, while you feel smaller each time.


  • You succeed in school or work, but it's ignored or undermined, while your sibling’s minor achievements are celebrated.


  • You're expected to be the mediator during arguments, even though you're the one who was hurt.


  • When you try to set a boundary, you're called selfish, ungrateful, or accused of turning your back on the family.


  • You were labeled “difficult” as a child simply for having emotions or asking questions no one wanted to answer.


Over time, this emotional invalidation chips away at your self-esteem and conditions you to suppress your truth to avoid further conflict.


The Hidden Damage


Children who grow up as the family scapegoat often carry chronic anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing behaviors, or deep-rooted shame into adulthood. They may feel isolated, emotionally reactive, or confused about why relationships are so draining.



The Trauma a Scapegoat Carries:


  • Complex PTSD from years of emotional neglect, rejection, or gaslighting.


  • Hypervigilance, always anticipating blame or criticism even in safe environments.


  • Emotional dysregulation, especially when trying to express needs or establish boundaries.


  • Fear of vulnerability, as speaking up often led to ridicule, rejection, or punishment.


  • A distorted self-image, shaped by internalized beliefs like “I’m hard to love” or “I ruin everything.”


  • Attachment wounds, making intimacy feel unsafe or unpredictable in adult relationships.


These aren't just emotional bruises—they are psychological injuries that impact how scapegoated individuals see themselves and engage with the world.


Reclaiming Your Power: Setting Boundaries to Protect Your Mental Health


The first step in healing from scapegoating is recognition. You’re not imagining things. If your gut tells you something has always felt off, trust that. The second step is boundaries.

Here are powerful boundary-setting tools:


  • Limit contact or create emotional distance from toxic family dynamics.


  • Practice emotional detachment—you can care about your family without carrying their pain.


  • Say no without guilt. You’re allowed to decline conversations or roles that are harmful.


  • Choose your truth. Write down what actually happened to you. Naming the reality is the beginning of breaking the cycle.


Healing also involves connecting with others who validate your experience. Therapy, trauma-informed support groups, or even safe online communities can help you feel seen and understood.



You Are Not the Problem—You Were the Mirror


Often, scapegoats are the most emotionally intelligent or compassionate members of the family. That makes them threatening in systems where dysfunction is denied. Your sensitivity is not a flaw—it’s a strength that was never nurtured.


So here’s the question: If the role of scapegoat was assigned to you, not earned… isn’t it time to stop carrying what was never yours to begin with?


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Finding Our Way Back: How to Reconnect as a Team After Baby

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 27

The first year after having a baby can leave couples feeling like teammates on opposite sides—but it's never too late to reconnect as a team after baby and rediscover the bond that brought you together. Sleep deprivation, stress, and shifting roles can shake any relationship, but learning to reconnect as a team after baby can turn growing pains into deeper partnership.

Finding Our Way Back: How to Reconnect as a Team After Baby

The first year after having a baby is often painted as magical, filled with soft lullabies, sweet baby giggles, and joyful family moments. But for many couples, it’s also a year of unraveling—of exhaustion, emotional disconnection, and silent resentments. When the excitement of bringing new life into the world begins to fade, many parents are left looking at each other from opposite sides of a widening emotional gap.


If you’ve felt distant from your partner since the baby arrived, you are not alone. The truth is, this season stretches even the most loving relationships. But there’s hope: with intention, grace, and a commitment to connection, couples can come back around—and come back stronger.



1. Challenges and Lack of Support Can Create Rifts


When you’re running on broken sleep and drained emotions, even the smallest misunderstanding can feel like betrayal. Suddenly, the division of chores matters more. Feeling unseen or unsupported hits deeper. The stress of keeping a tiny human alive while trying to maintain your sense of self is overwhelming—and it can leave little room for each other.


Sometimes support systems just aren’t there. Maybe family is far away. Maybe friends have faded. Or maybe you’re both just trying so hard to survive that you forgot how to lean on each other. These rifts are real—but they don’t have to be permanent.


What helps: Acknowledge the gap without blame. Say, “This year was hard on us. I miss how we used to connect. Can we start again?”


2. Challenges Reveal Flaws You Didn’t Notice Before


The postpartum period is like a spotlight—it magnifies everything. You see your partner’s flaws more clearly: their impatience, their withdrawal, their messiness or lack of emotional presence. They see yours, too. When two people are hurting, unhealed parts often rise to the surface.


It’s tempting to label these differences as incompatibility. But what if they’re actually opportunities for deeper understanding?


What helps: Instead of judging each other’s flaws, get curious about them. “You seem distant when things get chaotic. Did you experience that growing up?” Flaws often have roots—and compassion can soften their edges.


3. Childhood Trauma Can Stir Emotional Instability


Parenthood can awaken old wounds. When you're nurturing a child, it may stir memories of how you were (or weren’t) nurtured yourself. If you or your partner have unresolved childhood trauma, it may show up in this fragile phase—through control, fear, emotional withdrawal, or reactivity.


This isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a call to healing.


What helps: Don’t avoid the hard conversations. Seek help when needed—through therapy, couples counseling, or trauma-informed parenting support. Healing as individuals creates strength as a couple.



4. Choosing Connection Over Everything Else


Love isn’t just found in candlelit dinners or romantic gestures—it’s found in choosing each other, especially when it's hard. Choosing to reach for their hand instead of holding a grudge. Choosing softness instead of sarcasm. Choosing to stay curious about their inner world even when yours feels chaotic.


What helps: Create tiny rituals of connection: morning coffee together, 10-minute check-ins, walking hand in hand again. Connection doesn’t always require grand gestures—just small, consistent effort.


5. Forgive to Grow Together


You’ve both likely said things in the heat of stress. Maybe someone shut down. Maybe someone didn’t show up. Hurt accumulates in silence, and resentment builds walls fast. But forgiveness isn’t about forgetting—it’s about choosing to move forward, hand in hand.


What helps: Talk about what hurt, but don’t stop there. Ask, “What do you need from me now?” Rebuilding requires accountability, yes—but also grace.


6. The Bumps Are Meant to Grow You


No love story is free of storms. The strongest couples aren’t the ones who never fight—they’re the ones who learn how to weather the storm and grow from it. Every bump, every tearful night, every silence—these are not signs to give up. They’re lessons in how to love each other better.


You are not broken. You are becoming.


Conclusion


The first year after a baby can shake the very foundation of your relationship—but it can also be the ground from which something more beautiful is built. A deeper love. A truer friendship. A stronger team.


Because at the end of the day, the most powerful thing you can do—for your partner, your child, and yourself—is to keep reaching for each other through the chaos, and choosing to grow together.


Eye-Opening Question: If love is a daily choice, are you ready to choose each other again—this time, with eyes wide open and hands held tighter than ever before?


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When Childhood Trauma Takes Over: Are You Fighting Your Partner or Your Past?

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jan 3

Childhood trauma takes over in unexpected moments, often resurfacing during conflicts with loved ones, making you react from a place of past pain instead of present reality. When childhood trauma takes over, it can feel as though you're fighting ghosts from the past, projecting unresolved hurt onto the people who care about you most.

When Childhood Trauma Takes Over: Are You Fighting Your Partner or Your Past?

When emotions flare in relationships, the triggers often feel too strong to ignore. You may find yourself suddenly in the middle of an argument that spirals out of control, feeling overwhelmingly furious or deeply hurt by something your partner said or did. But what if the real battle isn’t with your partner at all? What if, in that moment, you’re not fighting them—you’re fighting your past?


For those who’ve experienced childhood trauma—whether it be physical, emotional, or neglectful—it’s easy to forget that the wounds from that time are still present. They live in your body, in your mind, and unfortunately, they show up in your present relationships, often without warning. When you’re triggered, it may feel as if the past is coming alive again, as though the same emotional abuse or abandonment from your childhood is happening in real time, except this time, it's your partner who becomes the face of your abuser.



The Hidden Connection: Childhood Trauma and Relationship Conflict


Trauma doesn’t just disappear. It hides in the crevices of your emotional landscape, waiting for a spark—a particular phrase, a certain gesture, or a tone of voice—that will trigger the storm of memories. Suddenly, the person who loves you, who is trying to have a peaceful conversation, becomes the person who makes you feel small, rejected, or unheard.

But here's the catch: your partner is not your abuser. In fact, they may be the person you’ve chosen to help heal those very wounds. However, your past trauma can distort your perception, making it hard to separate the two.


It’s like your brain is on autopilot, replaying old patterns you learned as a child. In the heat of the moment, it might feel like you’re fighting for survival, trying to protect the vulnerable child inside you from the same hurt you endured back then. The problem is, the emotional triggers you’re reacting to are often completely unrelated to the present conflict with your partner. Instead of fighting over who left the dishes out or forgot to pick up groceries, you’re really fighting against the long-held beliefs that you were unworthy of love or that conflict leads to abandonment.


What if You’re Blind to Your Trauma and Expect Too Much from Your Partner?


Here’s the real kicker: What if, in your trauma, you are so blinded by your pain that you can’t see how unfair you’re being to your partner? What if you feel that they should somehow know exactly how to heal the wounds you carry from your past, but they don’t? It’s not uncommon to feel frustrated or resentful when your partner doesn’t have the tools or emotional capacity to help you overcome deep-seated trauma. You may even feel angry that they don’t understand how to fix you or help you heal—after all, isn’t that what love is supposed to do?


The truth is, your partner can’t heal your trauma for you. They can’t undo what’s been done, nor can they erase the emotional scars left by years of hurt. While love and support are important, expecting your partner to be the sole source of your healing is both unrealistic and unfair. Healing from trauma is a deeply personal journey, and it’s one that requires self-awareness, effort, and often, professional guidance.


But here’s the tricky part: When you’re lost in your trauma, it’s easy to project your frustration onto your partner. You may blame them for not being the person who can fix everything. It’s important to recognize that, while your partner may be a source of comfort and care, they cannot carry the burden of your emotional history. If you expect them to be your therapist, your rescuer, or your savior, you risk damaging the relationship further.


Recognizing the Signs and Getting Out of the Cycle


The first step toward breaking this cycle is recognizing it. When you feel the shift, when rage bubbles up unexpectedly or tears suddenly overwhelm you, take a step back. Acknowledge that what’s happening might not be about the present at all. Remind yourself that your partner isn’t your parent—they aren’t the person who hurt you, nor are they the person who should bear the weight of your childhood.


Next, engage in grounding techniques. Grounding helps shift your focus from the emotional and mental storm to something more immediate and physical. You might place your feet flat on the floor and take several slow, deep breaths. Or try placing your hands on a solid surface, reminding yourself of the here and now. These small actions can bring your body back to the present moment, helping you separate past trauma from present reality.


Another vital tool is to communicate openly with your partner once things have calmed down. Express that what they may have said or done triggered something from your past, but it’s something you’re working on. The key here is vulnerability and honesty. Let your partner know that while their actions are a part of the conflict, your response is deeply tied to your past wounds. This openness can create a safe space for both of you to address the issue without blame or resentment.


The Road to Healing


If this is a pattern that regularly affects your relationships, it’s worth seeking professional support, like therapy, to address the trauma directly. Healing from childhood trauma doesn’t happen overnight, but understanding the roots of your emotional responses and how they manifest in your adult relationships is an essential step in breaking free. Working with a therapist who specializes in trauma can help you process these deep-seated wounds and learn to manage the emotional triggers that interfere with your connections to others.



Eye-Opening Question:


How much of your frustration with your partner is really about the unresolved pain of your past—and are you willing to separate the two to build a healthier, more understanding relationship?


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