Building Bridges, Not Walls: How to Use DBT to Strengthen Your Relationship

By using DBT to strengthen your relationship, you can improve communication, manage intense emotions, and create a deeper, more compassionate connection with your partner.

In any relationship, emotions run deep, and when conflict arises, they can either bring you closer or drive you further apart. If one partner struggles with emotional regulation, such as someone dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), these emotions can feel overwhelming and hard to manage. But what if there were tools that could help you navigate these turbulent waters together, building understanding and resilience along the way?

Enter Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)—a therapeutic approach originally developed to help people with BPD manage intense emotions, improve interpersonal skills, and enhance emotional regulation. While DBT is often used individually in therapy, its principles can also be incredibly beneficial for couples who are looking to improve their communication and connection.

What is DBT?

DBT was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the 1980s to help people with BPD regulate their emotions and improve their relationships. At its core, DBT combines cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) with mindfulness and acceptance practices. It focuses on balancing acceptance and change, teaching individuals how to manage overwhelming emotions without resorting to destructive behaviors like self-harm, substance abuse, or angry outbursts.

For couples, DBT offers practical strategies to navigate emotional intensity, reduce conflict, and increase empathy and understanding. While originally designed for individuals, many of DBT’s core concepts can be applied directly to relational dynamics.

Key DBT Skills for Couples:

1. Mindfulness: Staying Present During Conflict Mindfulness is about being fully present in the moment—without judgment. In a relationship, when emotions run high, it’s easy to get lost in old patterns of thinking, reacting, and defending. However, by practicing mindfulness, both partners can create space between the feeling and the reaction.

   
   

   How to Use It: During a disagreement, take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Focus on your breath, notice what you’re feeling, and try to observe the situation without immediately jumping into defense mode. This can help both of you slow down the conversation and create space for more thoughtful responses.

   
   

   Why it Helps: Mindfulness helps break reactive patterns. By taking a step back before responding, both partners are more likely to respond in ways that are less defensive and more constructive.

   
   

2. Distress Tolerance: Navigating High-Emotion Moments Distress tolerance skills teach you how to tolerate emotional pain without making the situation worse. In a relationship, especially when one partner struggles with intense emotions, distress tolerance can be crucial in managing situations before they escalate.

   
   

   How to Use It: When you feel overwhelmed or your partner’s emotions become intense, try to stay grounded in the present moment. Use self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing, counting to 10, or grounding exercises (e.g., focusing on the sensations of your feet on the floor or the feeling of your hands in your lap).

   
   

   Why it Helps: Distress tolerance enables you to avoid reactive behavior like yelling, shutting down, or withdrawing. It creates a healthier way of managing emotional discomfort, keeping the dialogue open instead of shutting it down.

   
   

3. Emotional Regulation: Navigating Your Emotional Responses DBT teaches emotional regulation, which involves recognizing your emotions, understanding their triggers, and learning how to express them in healthy ways. This is particularly helpful when one partner experiences emotional extremes and the other partner feels unsure of how to respond.

   
   

   How to Use It: Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to understand what you’re feeling and why. You might say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because I don’t feel heard. Let’s take a break and come back to this later.” The key is to express your emotions constructively without blaming or attacking your partner.

   
   

   Why it Helps: Emotional regulation encourages both partners to take responsibility for their emotions rather than blaming each other. It creates space for both partners to express themselves without the risk of emotional overload or miscommunication.

   
   

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Communicating Needs and Boundaries One of DBT’s most valuable tools for couples is interpersonal effectiveness—the ability to assertively express needs, set healthy boundaries, and maintain self-respect without harming the relationship.

   
   

   How to Use It: When you need something from your partner, use the DEAR MAN technique (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate). For example, “I need you to listen to me without interrupting when I’m upset (Describe). I feel ignored and frustrated when you don’t listen to me (Express). I’m asking you to listen for just five minutes before responding (Assert). It would help me feel understood (Reinforce).”

   
   

   Why it Helps: Interpersonal effectiveness skills allow both partners to communicate clearly and respectfully, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts. It also strengthens the relationship by ensuring that each person feels seen and valued.

   
   

5. Validation: Acknowledging and Accepting Emotions Validation is a cornerstone of DBT. It’s the practice of acknowledging and accepting your partner’s feelings—whether or not you agree with them. For couples dealing with emotional dysregulation, validation can help soothe feelings of hurt or frustration.

   
   

   How to Use It: When your partner expresses their emotions, try to say things like, “I can see that this situation is really upsetting for you” or “I understand that you’re feeling hurt right now.” This simple act of validation can prevent escalation and help your partner feel seen and supported.

   
   

   Why it Helps: Validation fosters emotional safety, making it easier for both partners to share their feelings without fear of judgment. When each person feels validated, it becomes easier to navigate conflict and strengthen emotional intimacy.

   
   

How DBT Transforms Your Relationship:

When you introduce DBT skills into your relationship, you’re not just learning tools to fight less—you’re learning how to love more. DBT emphasizes creating a balance between acceptance and change, both of which are essential for a healthy relationship. The acceptance aspect helps both partners feel understood and respected for who they are, while the change aspect empowers both individuals to grow and adapt together.

By practicing DBT, you’ll learn how to communicate more effectively, manage emotions better, and foster a deeper emotional connection. These skills help you become more resilient as a couple, even during difficult times, allowing you to face challenges without resorting to destructive patterns.

Final Thoughts: A Journey Toward Healing

Using DBT in your relationship is not a quick fix—it’s a journey. But with commitment, patience, and practice, both you and your partner can create a stronger, more empathetic connection. The tools of DBT don’t just help manage conflict—they nurture trust, foster understanding, and deepen emotional intimacy.

Eye-Opening Question: How might your relationship change if both you and your partner were able to communicate your feelings with greater understanding and compassion? And what small step can you take today to start that journey?

---

More Related Articles:

• The Fear That Lingers: Navigating the Return of Cancer and Rebuilding a Resilient Mindset

• From Isolation to Connection: Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster of Borderline Personality Disorder

• Navigating Life with CPTSD and Reclaiming Your Future

• Breaking Free from Loneliness: Finding Connection and Living a Fulfilling Life

• Lending a Hand: How to Help a Family Member with Hoarding Disorder

The Roots of Rage: Understanding the Causes of Angry Outbursts Through Freud and Rebuilding a Calmer Mindset

Understanding the causes of angry outbursts involves recognizing how unresolved emotional conflict, stress, and unmet needs can trigger intense reactions. By exploring underlying factors such as past trauma or current frustrations, individuals can begin to identify patterns and work towards healthier emotional regulation.

Anger can feel like a force of nature, sweeping over us in intense waves, leaving us with emotional wreckage in its wake. Whether it’s a burst of irritation toward a colleague, an explosive outburst in a relationship, or a simmering resentment that turns into rage, we’ve all experienced anger at some point. But why do we get so angry? Where do these intense outbursts come from, and how can we manage and reframe our anger in a healthier way? To answer these questions, we can look to one of the most influential figures in the history of psychology: Sigmund Freud.

Freud's View on the Roots of Anger: The Id, Ego, and Superego

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, proposed that our personalities and behaviors are shaped by unconscious forces. According to Freud, our psyche consists of three major components: the id, the ego, and the superego. The id represents our primal, unconscious desires, while the ego is our conscious, rational mind that negotiates between the desires of the id and the moral constraints of the superego, which embodies our internalized sense of right and wrong. Anger, in Freud's view, often arises when there is a conflict between these elements.

For example, the id might demand immediate gratification (e.g., a desire to be left alone, or to win an argument), while the ego tries to keep these impulses in check to maintain social harmony. If the ego feels overwhelmed by the demands of the id or unable to meet the expectations of the superego, frustration and resentment can build up, eventually leading to an outburst of anger. Freud believed that unresolved internal conflicts—whether from childhood trauma, repressed emotions, or unexpressed desires—could amplify this tension, making anger feel more intense and uncontrollable.

The Role of Repressed Emotions in Anger

One of Freud's major contributions to understanding anger was his theory of repression. He believed that emotions such as anger could be repressed in the unconscious mind when they’re deemed unacceptable or too painful to confront. For instance, if a child grows up in an environment where expressing anger is punished or discouraged, they may suppress their feelings of rage. However, these repressed emotions don’t disappear—they continue to influence behavior in subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways. The more unresolved anger we carry, the more likely it is to surface during moments of stress or frustration.

Another key concept from Freud’s theory is projection—the unconscious act of attributing our own unwanted emotions or traits to others. For example, someone who is angry about not being heard may project that anger onto others, accusing them of being dismissive or uninterested, even if that’s not the case. Understanding this mechanism can help people begin to identify when their anger is rooted more in their own perceptions and unconscious mind than in actual external circumstances.

Rebuilding the Mindset: Managing Anger Constructively

So, how can we begin to manage and rebuild our mindset around anger, particularly if we’ve internalized years of emotional repression or unresolved conflicts? The answer lies in both awareness and action. Here are some strategies based on both Freudian theory and modern psychological techniques:

1. Develop Self-Awareness: Freud believed that insight into our unconscious mind is key to resolving internal conflicts. Begin by noticing the physical and emotional signs of anger early—such as tension in your body, clenched fists, or a racing heart. Ask yourself, “What triggered this? Is this anger truly about the present situation, or am I reacting to something deeper?”

   
   

2. Express Your Emotions Healthily: Instead of bottling up anger or letting it explode in an outburst, try to express your feelings in constructive ways. Journaling can be a great outlet for exploring underlying emotions, or you might try talking to a trusted friend or therapist. Freud advocated for catharsis—the release of repressed emotions through expression—as a way to alleviate tension and regain control.

   
   

3. Mindfulness and Self-Regulation: Incorporating mindfulness practices can help you become more aware of your emotions as they arise. Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, and grounding exercises can help you slow down and manage your responses before you reach the point of outbursts. These practices also promote a calm and balanced mindset, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

   
   

4. Reframe the Narrative: The way we interpret and internalize anger plays a significant role in how we express it. If we believe that anger is a sign of weakness or that we must suppress it, we may end up projecting or holding on to it for longer. Instead, reframe anger as a natural and valid emotion that provides insight into unmet needs or boundaries. By acknowledging it without judgment, we can move toward healthier emotional expression.

   
   

5. Therapeutic Interventions: Freud’s approach to anger involved uncovering hidden conflicts, but modern therapeutic approaches also emphasize the importance of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for anger management. These therapies focus on identifying thought patterns that fuel anger, learning coping skills, and changing maladaptive behaviors. Working with a therapist can provide a safe space to explore deep-rooted emotions and help you build a healthier, more balanced mindset.

   
   

Moving Toward Lasting Change

Anger is a powerful emotion, but it doesn't have to control us. By understanding its roots, whether from repressed feelings or unresolved inner conflicts, we can learn to manage it effectively. Freud’s theories on the unconscious mind still offer valuable insights, but modern strategies for anger management provide actionable tools for rebuilding our mindset.

Through self-awareness, healthy emotional expression, mindfulness, and therapy, we can break the cycle of rage and move toward a calmer, more balanced way of living. Ultimately, the key to transforming anger is not about suppressing it, but about understanding it, expressing it, and creating space for healing and growth.

---

More Related Articles:

• Unlocking Your Inner Truth: How Freud’s Defense Mechanisms Show Up in Your Daily Life (And How to Live More Honestly)

• Finding Meaning in the Struggle: How Existential Therapy Can Help You Navigate Life's Toughest Times

• Honoring Heritage: How to Create a Culturally Inclusive Environment for Native Communities

• Facing Your Fears: How Exposure Therapy Can Help You Conquer Phobias

• Unlocking the Roots of Workaholism: How Psychodynamic Therapy Helps You Break Free from the Cycle

Breaking the Cycle: Navigating Stress in Adulthood When Childhood Modeling Wasn't Enough

When childhood modeling wasn't enough, many people struggle to cope with adulthood's stresses, lacking the emotional tools and coping strategies that others may have learned early on. Without proper modeling of healthy emotional regulation and conflict resolution, it can be difficult to manage work, family, and personal challenges. However, through self-awareness and support, it’s possible to break these patterns and develop healthier ways of coping.

Stress. It’s an undeniable part of life. From work pressures and family responsibilities to the demands of school or personal life, modern-day stress can feel like an ever-present shadow. But when you’ve grown up in an environment where emotional regulation, coping strategies, and healthy boundaries were never modeled, managing stress can feel like an insurmountable challenge.

If you were raised in an environment where you didn’t see healthy ways of handling stress—whether due to parental neglect, emotional unavailability, or even toxic behaviors like constant conflict—those early years can have a lasting impact on your ability to navigate the pressures of adulthood. As an adult, you may find yourself struggling to cope with the everyday stressors that others seem to handle more easily. The key to moving forward is recognizing how these childhood patterns shape your responses today and taking steps to rewrite the script.

Here’s how you can begin breaking the cycle of poor modeling and learn to manage stress more effectively.

1. Recognize the Patterns from Your Past

The first step in breaking the cycle is awareness. Many adults who were raised in emotionally turbulent environments often internalize unhealthy coping mechanisms, like avoidance, emotional shutdown, or overcompensation (working harder, ignoring emotions). These learned behaviors become ingrained over time and can sabotage your efforts to handle adult stress effectively.

Take a moment to reflect on your childhood. How did your parents or caregivers handle conflict, frustration, or disappointment? Did they withdraw emotionally, lash out, or suppress their feelings? By identifying these patterns, you can begin to recognize how they might be influencing your current behavior. The goal here is not to blame, but to understand—only then can you start creating new, healthier responses.

2. Understand How Stress Affects You Personally

When you didn’t have the right tools growing up, it’s common to experience stress differently as an adult. Some people might internalize stress, leading to anxiety, depression, or self-blame. Others might externalize it, lashing out in anger or withdrawing into unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, overeating, or compulsive work habits.

Understanding your personal stress response is crucial. Do you tend to shut down when you feel overwhelmed? Do you take on too much in an attempt to control the chaos around you? Do you feel an intense need to be “perfect” at everything? The more you understand your individual triggers and reactions, the better equipped you'll be to manage them moving forward.

3. Create Healthy Boundaries

One of the most significant challenges for people who grew up with poor emotional modeling is setting boundaries. If your caregivers didn’t respect your needs or establish their own healthy boundaries, you may have grown up thinking that boundaries are either unnecessary or that they lead to rejection or conflict.

However, boundaries are essential for stress management, especially in the face of work, family, and school demands. Learning to say “no” when you’re overwhelmed, carving out time for yourself, and asking for help when needed are all critical skills for managing stress. Start small by identifying areas where your boundaries are being crossed (whether by family members, colleagues, or even yourself), and practice setting limits. It’s important to remember that boundaries don’t make you selfish—they protect your well-being.

4. Develop Emotional Awareness and Expression

As a child, you may not have been taught how to express or process emotions in healthy ways. Maybe feelings were dismissed, invalidated, or even ignored altogether. This can make it especially difficult to identify or express emotions as an adult.

Developing emotional awareness is one of the most powerful ways to combat stress. Start by simply tuning in to how you’re feeling throughout the day. Are you stressed, anxious, frustrated, or tired? Instead of pushing these feelings down, allow yourself to acknowledge them. Journaling can be a helpful tool here—writing down your thoughts can give you clarity on what’s contributing to your stress.

Additionally, practicing emotional expression in safe spaces (like therapy, with trusted friends, or through creative outlets) can help you release pent-up feelings that you may have been holding onto for years.

5. Invest in Self-Care and Healing

Healing from poor childhood modeling is a long-term process. If you didn’t receive the support you needed growing up, it’s important to seek out help as an adult. Therapy, support groups, or counseling can be incredibly beneficial in helping you unpack past trauma and learn new ways to cope with stress. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, can help you recognize negative thought patterns and replace them with more constructive ways of thinking.

Self-care is also key. It’s easy to neglect your own needs when you’re juggling the demands of work, school, and family. However, taking time to care for your body, mind, and spirit is essential for reducing stress and building emotional resilience. Whether it's practicing mindfulness, meditating, exercising, or taking a break to read or engage in a hobby, finding ways to nourish yourself will make it easier to handle life's challenges.

6. Build a Support System That Models Healthy Coping

Another key to managing stress is surrounding yourself with people who model healthy coping mechanisms. If you didn’t have this growing up, it’s time to build your own support network. Seek out friendships, mentors, or therapists who can show you what it looks like to handle life’s challenges with balance, patience, and emotional intelligence.

Having a support system is crucial when stress is high. Whether you lean on a therapist, talk to a close friend, or connect with others in a support group, having someone to talk to and share your experiences with can help reduce the overwhelming feeling of carrying stress alone.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle and Moving Forward

The road to managing stress effectively when you’ve had poor modeling as a child is not an easy one, but it’s a journey that’s well worth taking. Acknowledge that your upbringing has shaped your response to stress, but also recognize that it’s never too late to change. With awareness, support, and the right coping tools, you can break free from old patterns and build a healthier, more resilient approach to life’s demands.

Remember: You are not bound by the past, and you have the power to rewrite your story. Starting today, make a commitment to take small, consistent steps towards healing. The work will be hard, but the reward—a balanced life where stress no longer controls you—is within reach.

---

More Related Articles:

• Caught in the Storm: Understanding and Managing Abandonment Fears and Anger in Borderline Personality Disorder

• How to Calm Down After an Awful Argument with Someone You Love (Without Stewing for Hours)

• When Parenting Triggers the Past: How to Break Free from Childhood Trauma

• The Family Mind: How Your Household Shapes Your Mental Health

• Thanksgiving Anxiety: Creative Ways to Find Peace Amid the Feast