Love Journey | Moody Melon Magazine

Loving Someone Fully After Trauma: The Brave Work of Seeing Them Whole

Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
May 2

Loving someone fully after trauma means learning to trust again—not just the other person, but your own ability to stay present when vulnerability feels threatening. After trauma, loving fully isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up with compassion, even when your instincts tell you to run or shut down.

Loving Someone Fully After Trauma: The Brave Work of Seeing Them Whole

True love begins where the fantasy ends.

If you grew up feeling unseen, unheard, or emotionally neglected by your caregivers, love might feel confusing—even dangerous. You may crave deep connection but find yourself pulling away the moment it arrives. You may confuse chaos with passion, or silence with safety. You may not have learned what love actually looks like—only what it isn’t. And that makes loving someone fully feel like a foreign language you’re just now learning to speak.

We often talk about love in superlatives—soulmate, forever, unconditional—as if the deepest form of love is a spontaneous force that either exists or it doesn’t. But the truth is, loving someone fully is not a passive experience. It is an active choice, one that asks us to do something far more difficult than simply feel: to see someone as they are, and love them anyway.

That kind of love isn’t soft. It’s brave.

More Than a Feeling

We’re wired to chase the high of romance: the butterflies, the longing, the magnetic pull. But those moments, while powerful, are not the full picture. Loving someone deeply means staying present after the initial fire fades, when life gets messy and the shine wears off. It means seeing your partner’s wounds, not just their charm. And perhaps hardest of all—it means letting them see yours.

This kind of love doesn’t ignore flaws. It makes room for them.

The Mirror We Don’t Expect

Intimate relationships are mirrors. They reflect not only our partner’s strengths and struggles, but also our own insecurities, triggers, and defenses. The closer you get to someone, the harder it becomes to hide from yourself.

Real love isn’t just about comfort. It brings discomfort too—the kind that challenges you to grow.

Ask yourself: Can I love someone without needing to fix them? Can I let them be fully human—messy, brilliant, broken, and whole?

What If We Never Learned Real Love?

For many of us, love was never modeled well. If we grew up with parents who withheld affection, used love as a bargaining chip, or never expressed it at all, we may have no real template for healthy connection. Instead, we turn to what we have seen—movies, television, fairy tales. But those stories often show love in extremes: over-the-top gestures, dramatic breakups, and sweeping reunions. They paint love as black and white—either you're soulmates or you're doomed. Real love isn’t like that. It’s quieter. Less cinematic. More complex. And if we’re not careful, we start chasing the drama and calling it devotion. But the absence of chaos can be where real intimacy begins.

Click to Learn About The Power of Vulnerability: Unlocking Trust in Yourself and Others

Love as a Daily Practice

Loving someone fully means:

Listening to understand, not to defend.
Being curious instead of critical.
Giving without scorekeeping.
Apologizing when you're wrong, and forgiving when it’s hard.
Choosing connection over being right.

It also means offering presence, not just promises. Not everyone needs a solution; sometimes they just need to know they aren’t alone.

Loving Without Losing Yourself

Loving someone fully doesn’t mean becoming small to keep the peace, or abandoning yourself to meet their needs. True love thrives when both people feel safe being themselves.

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s honesty. It’s the freedom to say, “This is who I am,” and hear, “I see you. And I’m still here.”

Love Grows in the Unseen

Full love isn’t always flashy. It grows in the quiet moments:

Holding space during their anxiety spiral.
Remembering how they like their coffee.
Saying “I’m here” even when they feel unlovable.

The most powerful acts of love are often invisible to the world, but unforgettable to the one receiving them.

So here’s the question:

Do you love the person in front of you—or the version of them that doesn’t make you uncomfortable?

💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?

Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉

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Breaking the Cycle: How to Learn to Love When You've Never Been Loved

Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
Mar 22

Learn to love when you've never been loved and discover the transformative journey of healing and self-compassion. Embrace the possibility of cultivating deep, meaningful connections with yourself and others, regardless of your past experiences.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Learn to Love When You've Never Been Loved

Love is often seen as something we’re naturally taught as children — a bond we form with our parents, caregivers, and close family members that shapes the way we see and express affection for others. However, for many of us, this foundational experience of love is missing. Whether due to neglect, emotional unavailability, or abuse, growing up without love can create deep emotional scars that make it difficult to understand or express love as an adult. If you’ve never experienced the warmth of unconditional love in your early years, it might feel nearly impossible to know what healthy love looks like, let alone how to give it to others. But here’s the good news: it’s possible to learn how to love, even when you’ve never been loved in the way you deserved.

1. Understanding the Root of the Pain

The first step in learning how to love is understanding where the inability to love stems from. As children, we look to our caregivers for validation, affection, and protection. When those needs are unmet, we may internalize the message that we are unworthy of love. This perception can echo throughout our lives, affecting how we engage in relationships and how we view ourselves. For many, the journey to healing involves addressing these early wounds. Therapy, self-reflection, and mindfulness practices can help us confront these painful experiences and slowly rewrite the narratives we’ve held about our worth.

2. Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

Learning to love starts with the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself. If you’ve grown up without the love and care you deserved, you may have learned to doubt your own worthiness. This self-doubt can translate into unhealthy relationship patterns in adulthood. The key to breaking this cycle is practicing self-compassion. Learning to treat yourself with kindness, as you would a friend or loved one, can help rebuild your sense of self-worth. Start by acknowledging your strengths, forgiving your mistakes, and engaging in activities that nourish your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

3. Seeking Healthy, Safe Connections

Once you’ve started to heal and nurture your relationship with yourself, the next step is to seek out relationships that model healthy love and connection. It can be daunting to open up to others if you've been hurt before, but the right people can help you reframe your understanding of love. Look for relationships where love is expressed in ways that are respectful, empathetic, and patient. Therapy and support groups are also excellent ways to build supportive connections where love and trust can be gradually built without the fear of being hurt.

Learn More About How You Can Thrive in an Incompatible Marriage

4. Love as a Skill, Not Just an Emotion

Love is often depicted as a spontaneous, unexplainable emotion, but it’s also a skill that can be developed over time. You may not have had the chance to see what healthy love looks like as a child, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to express it as an adult. Start small by offering love in ways that feel comfortable and authentic — this might mean practicing empathy, listening actively, or expressing gratitude. When you give love, you also make space to receive it, helping to break the cycle of emotional isolation.

5. Finding Healing Through Vulnerability

One of the most powerful ways to learn to love is by allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability can be terrifying when you’ve never experienced emotional safety, but it is also a gateway to genuine connection. Being open about your feelings, your past, and your fears with trusted individuals can help you form deeper, more authentic relationships. In doing so, you not only create opportunities to receive love, but you also give others the chance to love you in a way that is healing and affirming.

Conclusion: The Path to Healing Is Always Open

Healing from the absence of love is not a quick or easy process, but it is possible. By understanding the root of your pain, rebuilding your self-worth, seeking healthy relationships, and embracing vulnerability, you can gradually learn to love yourself and others in meaningful ways. Remember, love isn’t just something we receive — it’s something we learn, practice, and give to those who truly care for us.

Learn How to Love Unconditionally While Protecting Your Own Heart

So, what steps are you willing to take today to break the cycle and learn to love, even when it feels like a foreign concept?