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Loving on the Edge: How to Stay Connected When Stress Feels Like Abandonment

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 31

For those navigating Borderline Personality Disorder, it can be incredibly hard to stay connected when stress feels like abandonment—when every raised voice or silent moment feels like you're being left behind.

Loving on the Edge: How to Stay Connected When Stress Feels Like Abandonment

For those living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), love doesn’t always feel like comfort. Sometimes, it feels like pressure. Or fear. Or an overwhelming current that threatens to sweep them away just when they need something to hold on to. When someone with BPD is under stress, especially in intimate relationships, their nervous system becomes a battlefield of perceived abandonment and emotional reactivity. And even the gentlest touch or the kindest word can feel like too much—or not enough.


What Stress Feels Like in a Borderline Mind


Under stress, a person with BPD may experience heightened sensitivity, rapid mood shifts, and an intense fear that they are being left behind or rejected. Their inner world becomes flooded with emotion—hurt, shame, confusion—and even loving partners can seem distant or dangerous. They may lash out, shut down, cling too tightly, or push people away before they can be hurt. The emotional volume is turned all the way up, and rational thought becomes harder to access.


Imagine needing love the most precisely when you feel the least lovable.


This isn't manipulation. It's a survival response. The fear of abandonment that defines BPD becomes amplified by stress, leading to behaviors that may look angry, chaotic, or irrational—but are, at their core, desperate attempts to feel safe.



How to Love When You’re Underwater


If you live with BPD, learning to love while stressed isn’t about being perfect. It’s about building bridges between your emotional storms and the people who care about you. Here are a few ways to do that:


  • Name What You Feel, Even If It’s Messy“I feel like I’m being abandoned” is not a failure. It’s a starting point. Naming your emotions helps make sense of the chaos and invites connection.


  • Create Anchor RitualsShort grounding routines—like a daily check-in text, a short walk with your partner, or breathing together before bed—can help soothe the nervous system and remind you you’re not alone.


  • Use ‘Now’ LanguageStress and abandonment triggers often pull us into the past. Try saying, “Right now, I feel scared you’re pulling away,” rather than acting on old pain.


  • Have a Safe Word or SignalCreate a word or phrase that lets your partner know you’re overwhelmed and need time without rejection. This can reduce conflict and shame.


  • Seek Regulated SupportTherapy, DBT skills, or even self-soothing tools like cold water, movement, or journaling can help regulate emotional overload before it spills out.


For the Partner: Presence Over Perfection


If you love someone with BPD, remember: your steadiness matters more than your solutions. Be present, not perfect. When your partner is spiraling, ask questions gently: “How can I stay close without overwhelming you?” Boundaries and compassion can co-exist.



A Love That Learns


Loving with BPD under stress isn’t easy. But it’s not impossible. It’s a love that requires patience, self-awareness, and a whole lot of grace. It’s learning to pause when your brain says run, to reach when your heart says shut down.


Because love doesn’t need to be loud to be true—it just needs to stay.


Eye-Opening Question: What if the key to loving someone with BPD isn't to fix their fear—but to become someone it doesn’t have to fear?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



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Always Too Much, Never Enough: The Lonely Heart of Borderline Struggles

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 30

The lonely heart of Borderline longs deeply for love, yet often fears it the moment it arrives. Even moments of closeness can feel fragile—like love is always one step from disappearing.

Always Too Much, Never Enough: The Lonely Heart of Borderline Struggles

There is a quiet kind of ache that lives in the chest of many who live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It’s the ache of wanting to be loved so deeply it hurts—and the unbearable fear that the love they receive will vanish just as quickly as it came.


For someone with BPD, feeling loved is rarely simple. The very act of receiving love is tangled in confusion: Do they really mean it? Will they still love me tomorrow? What if I mess it up? Am I too much? The craving for connection can be so intense it feels like oxygen, but the fear of abandonment makes every moment of closeness feel like standing at the edge of a cliff—never fully safe, never fully steady.


The Paradox of Connection


BPD is often misunderstood as being about drama or volatility, but at its core, it’s about the painful contradiction between longing for intimacy and being terrified of it. Individuals with BPD often struggle with an unstable sense of self and emotional intensity that can make even minor relationship stress feel earth-shattering.


Love is craved deeply—yet questioned constantly.


This leads to a pattern: idealizing someone one moment, and feeling utterly betrayed by them the next. It’s not manipulation. It’s fear. It’s a desperate attempt to protect a heart that never learned what secure love feels like.



Loneliness with BPD Isn’t Just About Being Alone


To someone with BPD, loneliness feels like invisibility, abandonment, and shame all wrapped together. It’s not just the absence of people—it’s the absence of feeling seen, safe, and held.


Even in a room full of friends or in a committed relationship, a person with BPD might feel unlovable, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected. That kind of loneliness can feel worse than isolation—it’s loneliness in the presence of others, where the soul cries out and no one hears.


Why “I Love You” Doesn’t Always Land


Hearing “I love you” might feel good in the moment, but for someone with BPD, it can quickly unravel: What if they stop? Do they mean it? Why would they love me? The words become unstable, shaky on impact. It’s not that the person with BPD doesn’t want to believe it—it’s that their nervous system often won’t let them.


This isn’t a failure of character. It’s often the echo of trauma, emotional neglect, or invalidation in early relationships—where love may have been inconsistent, unpredictable, or even weaponized.


What Helps?


Understanding and gentle boundaries from loved ones can help, but so can validation, therapy (especially DBT), and inner work that affirms: you are not too much—you were simply taught to fear love because it wasn’t always safe before.


It takes time, but it’s possible to build emotional safety within, and to trust that love doesn’t always have to feel like walking on eggshells.



So here’s the question:


What if the love you thought would leave you… could actually stay—and what would it take for you to believe that’s true?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



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Building Bridges After the Break: How DBT Supports PTSD Recovery

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 29

DBT supports PTSD recovery by helping individuals regulate overwhelming emotions, tolerate distress safely, and rebuild a sense of self that trauma often fractures. Through skills like mindfulness and emotional regulation, DBT supports PTSD recovery not just by managing symptoms, but by empowering survivors to reclaim their lives with resilience and self-compassion.

Building Bridges After the Break: How DBT Supports PTSD Recovery

When we think of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), images of flashbacks, anxiety, and emotional flooding often come to mind. But beneath the surface of these symptoms lies a deeper struggle: the feeling that your inner world is unmanageable, unsafe, or disconnected from who you once were. For many, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers not just coping skills—but a compassionate map back to themselves.


Originally developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan for individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder and chronic suicidality, DBT has become a lifeline for many living with PTSD. Why? Because DBT doesn’t just treat symptoms—it teaches people how to navigate the emotional storms trauma leaves behind.



The Four Pillars of Healing


At the heart of DBT are four core skill areas: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. For trauma survivors, these aren't just therapeutic tools—they’re survival skills reimagined.


  • Mindfulness helps individuals reconnect with the present moment, anchoring them during flashbacks or dissociation. Many trauma survivors feel "hijacked" by the past; mindfulness gives them back a sense of agency over their attention and body.


  • Distress Tolerance equips clients to ride out emotional pain without resorting to harmful coping strategies like self-harm, numbing, or avoidance. In DBT, clients learn crisis survival skills that offer real alternatives—like grounding exercises, the TIPP skill (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive relaxation), and self-soothing.


  • Emotion Regulation teaches clients how to name, understand, and manage overwhelming feelings like shame, rage, or fear. Instead of being controlled by emotions that don’t make sense, clients build a toolkit for emotional clarity and balance.


  • Interpersonal Effectiveness helps trauma survivors relearn how to relate to others. When PTSD results from relational trauma—like abuse, betrayal, or abandonment—this skill set empowers clients to set boundaries, ask for what they need, and rebuild trust slowly and safely.


DBT Meets Trauma: What Makes It Work?


What sets DBT apart from traditional trauma therapies is its balance of acceptance and change. Many trauma survivors feel pressure to "get over it" or to always be working toward healing. DBT acknowledges that it’s okay to feel broken and want to move forward. Clients are taught how to hold two truths at once: “This pain is real, and I can still build a life worth living.”


For individuals with PTSD, particularly complex trauma or co-occurring issues like self-harm, substance use, or dissociation, DBT provides a structured, skill-focused approach that doesn't re-traumatize. Instead of diving straight into trauma narratives, DBT helps clients stabilize first—so that when trauma processing happens (often with EMDR, CPT, or prolonged exposure), the emotional foundation is stronger and safer.


When Healing Feels Possible Again


One of the most beautiful things about DBT is its validation. Survivors often hear, “What happened to you was terrible—but your reactions make sense.” In a world that may have dismissed their pain, DBT offers a new kind of truth: you are not broken beyond repair.


Whether taught in group sessions, individual therapy, or integrated with trauma-specific treatments, DBT can gently guide clients from survival to self-understanding. It's not about rushing to "fix" trauma—it's about learning to live alongside it, with dignity, skill, and hope.



So here’s the real question:


What if the first step in healing trauma isn’t reliving it—but learning the skills to hold your pain with compassion?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



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