When Love Starts to Hurt: Living in the Storm of a Constantly Fighting Relationship

Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
4 days ago
4 min read

When love starts to hurt, it’s often not a dramatic moment, but a slow buildup of unspoken resentment, repeated conflict, and emotional disconnection. In these moments, it’s okay to pause, reflect, and ask if the relationship is still nurturing the safety and care you—and your family—deserve.

When Love Starts to Hurt: Living in the Storm of a Constantly Fighting Relationship

There’s a quiet kind of grief that comes with constantly arguing with someone you once saw as your home. The pain isn’t always explosive; sometimes, it’s just the slow erosion of tenderness, the sting of unkind words, or the heavy silence that follows every disagreement. And when these fights become a pattern—especially in front of your child—the emotional toll can feel unbearable.

So what do you do when the person you’re supposed to build a life with is also the one constantly tearing it down? What happens when you feel like you're losing both your partner and yourself?

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When Fighting Becomes the Norm

Conflict in relationships is normal. No two people agree on everything. But when fighting becomes the main form of communication, it signals something deeper: unmet needs, unresolved wounds, or cycles of miscommunication that haven’t been broken.

You might find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to predict your partner’s mood before saying anything. Or maybe you’ve stopped talking altogether unless it’s necessary—because even the smallest comment seems to set off another argument. The house begins to feel less like a home and more like a battlefield.

Over time, this kind of dynamic chips away at trust, safety, and intimacy. You may begin to question whether you still like this person, let alone love them. And those questions can be terrifying.

The Invisible Impact on Your Child

If you’re a parent, the guilt is a different kind of pain.

Even if you’re trying to shield your child from the worst of it, they know. Kids are remarkably sensitive to emotional energy. They can feel the tension when you and your partner are short with each other. They notice when conversations stop. They watch how you respond—and don’t respond—to each other.

Some children internalize this conflict, feeling anxious or blaming themselves. Others become withdrawn, aggressive, or emotionally dysregulated. You might notice your child getting upset just because you and your partner are in the same room. They’re not just reacting to words—they’re reacting to the emotional environment.

This kind of emotional residue doesn’t disappear on its own. And many parents struggle with the heartbreaking question: What is my child learning about relationships from watching mine?

When Disconnection Becomes Repulsion

It’s also hard to admit when the emotional distance turns into something stronger: resentment, disgust, or even contempt.

You might start feeling physically turned off by your partner—especially if their behavior contradicts the values you want modeled for your child. For example, if your partner self-deprecates in front of your son (“Yeah, I’m stupid”), or dismisses your feelings in front of them, it can feel like a breach of something sacred.

You want your child to witness strength, accountability, kindness. Not emotional chaos or emotional immaturity. When your partner’s behavior consistently undermines that, it’s natural to begin questioning not just the relationship—but your respect for them.

And when respect fades, desire often follows.

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You’re Not Alone—and You’re Not Wrong for Feeling This Way

It’s easy to blame yourself in these moments. To wonder if you’re being too sensitive, too demanding, too checked out. But the truth is, ongoing relational conflict affects everyone. And if you’ve been trying to keep it all together for the sake of your family, you’re likely carrying far more than you were meant to.

There’s no shame in struggling. Relationships are deeply complex. And parenting within one that's struggling? That’s a form of survival.

But surviving is not the same as thriving.

What Can Help

Name What’s Really Happening

Get honest—with yourself first. What are the patterns that keep repeating? Are you stuck in criticism, defensiveness, avoidance? What do you feel after every argument: sadness, shame, rage, emptiness?

Therapy Can Offer Clarity

Whether individual or couples counseling, support from a trained therapist can help unpack what’s underneath the fighting. Sometimes, people fight not because they don’t care—but because they care deeply and feel unheard, unheld, or unsafe. And sometimes, people fight because they’ve outgrown the relationship’s capacity for growth.

Practice Emotional Repair in Front of Your Child

If an argument happens in front of your child, it’s not too late to show them something powerful: repair. Saying things like, “I got upset earlier, and I’m sorry,” or “I was frustrated, but that doesn’t mean yelling was okay,” teaches your child that people can mess up and be accountable.

Reconnect with Your Own Needs

It’s easy to lose yourself in the stress of managing the household, the relationship, and your child’s well-being. Ask yourself: What do I need that I’ve been ignoring? Is it rest? Is it help? Is it respect? Self-neglect often masks itself as strength.

Have One Honest Conversation

It may not fix everything—but opening up to your partner, even just once, about how the constant conflict is impacting you and your child can shift the tone. Choose a time when neither of you is escalated. Speak from your experience, not from blame: “I feel emotionally drained by our arguing, and I’m really worried about the effect it’s having on our child.”

Final Thoughts: It’s Okay to Want Peace

Wanting your relationship to feel like a partnership—not a battleground—is not asking too much. Wanting your child to grow up in an emotionally stable environment is not unreasonable. And wanting to feel safe, seen, and respected in your own home is not selfish.

You deserve peace. Your child deserves peace. And if your current dynamic is stealing that from you—then it’s worth asking what needs to change.

Even when love still lingers, sometimes it’s the way we love—and the way we’re loved back—that needs to evolve.

And that evolution starts with one truth: you are not powerless.