Splitting in an argument can cause intense emotional shifts, where one moment, someone feels like your ally, and the next, they seem like the enemy. Recognizing when you're splitting during a disagreement is the first step to regaining emotional balance and improving communication.
Arguments can be intense. Whether it's with a partner, friend, or family member, disagreements often bring up a lot of emotions. But for those with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), arguments can feel like a full-blown emotional storm. One moment, someone might feel like your biggest ally, and the next, they’re the villain. This emotional shift, known as splitting, can be especially intense during conflicts, leaving you feeling disconnected and trapped in a cycle of emotional extremes.
If you’ve ever found yourself in the midst of an argument and felt your emotions quickly spiral out of control—where you either see the person you’re arguing with as all good or all bad—you're not alone. But here’s the thing: turning things around is possible, even when you’re in the heat of an argument and it feels impossible to regain your emotional balance.
In this article, we’ll explore how to manage splitting during an argument, find your footing, and repair your connection—no matter how intense the disagreement feels.
1. Recognize the Split in Real-Time
The first step in managing splitting during an argument is recognizing it as it happens. When you experience splitting, you might feel an overwhelming shift in how you see the person you’re arguing with. They may seem completely unreasonable, selfish, or "the enemy," even if you once viewed them as a friend or loved one.
This emotional shift happens quickly, and often without warning. The key here is awareness. Recognizing that you’re splitting allows you to take a pause and break the cycle of all-or-nothing thinking. Acknowledge to yourself that you're in a "split" moment. Saying something like, "I’m feeling really upset right now, and my emotions are making me see things in extremes" can help you take a step back, rather than escalating the argument.
2. Take a Break—But Come Back
In the heat of a disagreement, it can be tempting to react impulsively. But when you feel yourself splitting, it’s crucial to take a break. It’s not about avoiding the conversation, but giving yourself time to calm down and reset.
Communicate with your partner or the person you’re arguing with: “I need a moment to cool down before we continue this conversation. Can we take a short break and come back to it?” A brief pause (5 to 10 minutes) can give you the space to regain your emotional equilibrium and prevent saying things you might regret.
During the break, engage in a grounding activity like deep breathing, walking, or even listening to calming music. The goal is to clear your mind, so you can return to the conversation with a more balanced perspective.
3. Reframe Your Thoughts and Feelings
Once you’ve taken a step back, the next step is to challenge your thinking. Splitting makes us view situations in black-and-white terms, but most of life, especially relationships, exists in shades of gray.
What part of this argument is about my own insecurities or fears?
Could there be another perspective that I haven’t considered?
How can I find middle ground here instead of seeing this as a win or lose situation?
Reframing your thoughts can help reduce the intensity of your emotions. For instance, if you’re upset with someone for something they said, ask yourself: Is it possible that this person wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me? This shift in thinking can help reduce the emotional charge and allow you to engage in a more thoughtful discussion.
4. Use “I” Statements to Express Your Feelings
During an argument, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of blaming or accusing the other person. This can fuel the emotional fire and make the splitting more intense. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me!" or "You always make things worse," try using “I” statements.
For example, “I feel unheard when we argue like this” or “I feel overwhelmed and upset by what just happened” helps express your emotions without sounding accusatory. This type of communication encourages the other person to listen, rather than get defensive, and can help rebuild trust and understanding in the conversation.
5. Validate Your Own Emotions
Splitting often comes with feelings of being misunderstood or invalidated, which can escalate arguments. But the key to managing splitting is self-validation. You don’t have to wait for the other person to validate your feelings—practice acknowledging them yourself.
Take a moment to remind yourself that your feelings are valid, even if they feel extreme. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or frustrated. Instead of judging yourself for feeling “too much,” accept the emotion and remind yourself that it will pass. This can help prevent the situation from spiraling into a full-on emotional crisis.
6. Practice Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a core principle of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is often used to treat BPD. It’s about accepting things as they are, without judgment or resistance. In the context of an argument, this means accepting that you and the other person may have different perspectives and that the disagreement doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship.
For example, you may accept that someone said something hurtful, but rather than making it into an all-or-nothing judgment of their character, you can accept the reality of the situation without letting it define the entire relationship.
By practicing radical acceptance, you stop fighting against reality and start responding to the situation with more clarity and emotional control.
7. Commit to Repair and Move Forward
After the storm of emotions has passed, it’s important to reconnect. Don’t leave things unresolved for too long. Whether it’s through a calm conversation or simply acknowledging each other’s feelings, repair work is crucial.
This could be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. I realize I was feeling overwhelmed, and I didn’t mean to say things that hurt you.” Apologizing isn’t about admitting fault or weakness—it’s about acknowledging the emotional toll of the argument and expressing a desire to move forward.
8. Get Professional Support If Needed
Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, it’s still tough to manage splitting on your own. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in addressing the emotional triggers that lead to splitting and learning healthier ways to cope with disagreements. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), in particular, is designed for people with BPD and provides practical tools for managing intense emotions and improving communication in relationships.
If you find yourself struggling with arguments frequently, or if splitting is affecting your relationships, a therapist can help you work through these challenges in a safe and supportive environment.
Conclusion: The Power to Turn Things Around
While splitting during an argument with BPD can feel overwhelming and even impossible to manage, it is absolutely possible to turn things around. The key lies in recognizing the split, taking a break, reframing your thoughts, using effective communication, and practicing self-validation. With time, patience, and consistent practice, you can learn to manage these emotional shifts and turn arguments into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.
Remember, you are not defined by your emotional extremes. Every argument, every moment of conflict, is an opportunity to practice growth and emotional resilience. It’s not about avoiding conflict—it’s about learning how to navigate it with compassion and clarity. You have the power to change the way you handle conflict and, in doing so, strengthen your relationships and your emotional well-being.
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