top of page

FOLLOW US

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Threads
  • LinkedIn

The Tug-of-War Within: Why We Push Away the People We Crave Most

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Oct 25

Why we push away the people we crave most often comes down to fear disguised as protection. When love feels too close to the pain we once knew, our hearts confuse safety with danger—and we push away the very people who make us feel most alive.

ree

Got 5 minutes? Join countless listeners who are exploring this powerful topic — listen here.

The Tug-of-War Within: Why We Push Away the People We Crave Most

You know that feeling—wanting someone to come close, yet flinching the second they do? It’s like your heart is stepping on the gas and the brakes at the same time. One part of you aches for connection, while another part screams, “Back off before it hurts!”


This inner tug-of-war is called approach-avoidance conflict, and it’s one of the most confusing emotional experiences a person can face—especially in close relationships.


The Push and Pull of the Heart


When you experience approach-avoidance conflict, your emotions are caught between two competing needs: the need for safety and the need for intimacy. One moment, you’re desperate for closeness; the next, you feel suffocated by it. This pattern can leave you questioning your feelings, your partner, and even your sanity. Understanding this dynamic isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about realizing your brain is still trying to protect you from an old danger that no longer exists. Recognizing that is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle.


When Love Feels Like a Threat


For many people who’ve lived through neglect, abuse, or emotional inconsistency growing up, love can feel both magnetic and terrifying. As children, we learned that affection often came with conditions or danger—that the same hands that offered comfort could also cause pain.


So as adults, our brains get mixed up. We crave closeness because that’s how humans are wired, but our nervous system remembers the hurt and tries to protect us by pushing people away.


We might say things like,


  • “I just need space,” when we actually want to be held.

  • “They don’t really care,” when they’ve been trying their best.

  • Or, “I’m done with this,” when what we really mean is, “Please, don’t give up on me.”


It’s not manipulation—it’s survival.


The Hidden Cost of Staying Torn


Living in that constant emotional back-and-forth is exhausting. You start doubting yourself, your partner, even your own feelings. One moment you feel desperate for connection; the next, you’re cold, distant, or furious for being “invaded.”


This cycle doesn’t just strain relationships—it erodes self-trust. You start believing there’s something wrong with you, when in reality, your mind is just trying to protect an old wound with outdated tools.


Healing the Inner Conflict


Healing approach-avoidance conflict starts with noticing what’s happening—without shame. It means pausing long enough to recognize when your fear is taking the wheel. It means reminding yourself: “I’m safe now. This isn’t the past.”


Therapy, self-compassion, and open communication with loved ones can gradually retrain your nervous system to understand that closeness isn’t dangerous anymore. And when you start feeling safe enough to let love in—even just a little—you begin to rewrite the story your trauma once told.


Eye-opening question: If love itself isn’t what hurts us—but the fear of losing it—what might happen if, for once, you stopped running and simply let yourself be loved?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉


More Related Articles:

Emotional Displacement: The Hidden Force Behind Relationship Conflict

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 1

Childhood trauma haunts our adult relationships in subtle yet powerful ways, often causing us to react to present situations with the emotional intensity of our past wounds. Whether through fear of abandonment, emotional withdrawal, or conflict avoidance, childhood trauma haunts our adult relationships by distorting how we give and receive love.

Emotional Displacement: The Hidden Force Behind Relationship Conflict

We often think of childhood as something we leave behind. The scraped knees, the schoolyard taunts, the silent dinners, or the chaos at home—all of it packed away in dusty memory boxes. But what if those early wounds are not resting in the past at all? What if they are whispering through our adult relationships, shaping how we love, argue, attach, or even walk away?


This is the story of displacement—a psychological defense mechanism in which we unconsciously redirect emotions from one person or situation to another. And when it comes to adult relationships, especially romantic or deeply intimate ones, displacement rooted in childhood trauma can quietly sabotage the very connections we long for.



The Invisible Puppeteer: How Trauma Plays Out


Imagine this: You had a parent who was emotionally unavailable—always distracted, cold, or critical. As a child, you didn’t understand why, and you certainly couldn’t confront them. So you internalized that pain, maybe even learned to be hyper-independent or overly people-pleasing.


Fast forward to adulthood. Your partner forgets to text back, and suddenly you’re overwhelmed with sadness or rage. But it’s not just about the text—it’s about being forgotten, ignored, unimportant. You may not even realize that the real emotional target isn’t your partner—it’s the ghost of that distant parent. That’s displacement.


Here are more common examples of how trauma displacement might show up in adult relationships:


  • Your friend cancels plans last-minute, and you spiral into feelings of abandonment. You respond coldly, not because of the canceled dinner, but because it touches an old nerve from being left alone as a child.


  • Your partner asks for space after a disagreement, and you interpret it as rejection. You react with clinginess or start an unnecessary fight—not because of what they said, but because it reawakens the fear of being “too much” that you learned in childhood.


  • You get critical or controlling in arguments, echoing the same behaviors your caregivers used. You swore you'd never be like them, but you find yourself defaulting to what you were shown—because it's familiar, even if it’s unhealthy.


  • You can't seem to trust your partner fully, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Deep down, you might still be waiting for the betrayal that always seemed inevitable when you were growing up.


All of it driven by old pain, playing out on a new stage.


How to Catch Yourself in the Act


The first step is awareness. Trauma thrives in the dark, but once you shine a light on it, you can start to reclaim control.


1. Pause Before You React


Before you lash out, shut down, or chase after someone—ask yourself:Is this reaction about what's happening now, or could it be about something older, deeper?This moment of pause is powerful. It interrupts the automatic loop of reactivity and allows curiosity to step in.


2. Track Your Triggers


Start a “trigger journal.” Note what situations leave you feeling angry, rejected, unseen, or overly anxious. Over time, you may notice patterns like:


  • Always feeling threatened when someone sets a boundary

  • Feeling crushed by constructive criticism

  • Overreacting when someone doesn't respond immediately


These patterns are clues. They point toward unmet needs and unresolved pain from the past.


3. Name the Original Source


Ask yourself: Who first made me feel this way?Maybe it was a parent who only gave you attention when you succeeded. Maybe it was a caregiver who punished emotional expression. Naming the source doesn't blame—it empowers. It helps you see the distinction between then and now.


4. Talk It Out—With a Therapist or Trusted Person


Trauma grows in silence. Speaking your truth—especially in a safe, compassionate space—can be healing in itself. Therapy offers the tools to reprocess your experiences and break the cycle of unconscious reenactment.


5. Practice Secure Attachment Behaviors


Even if you didn’t grow up with secure attachment, you can learn it. Practice:


  • Naming your needs openly: “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk after a fight.”

  • Listening without assuming blame

  • Choosing partners or friends who are emotionally available and consistent

  • Validating your inner child with affirmations like, I am safe now. I am allowed to have needs.


A Path to Deeper Connection


Healing from childhood trauma doesn’t mean we erase the past. It means we stop letting it unconsciously dictate our future. Relationships—deep, honest, nourishing ones—are possible when we show up with awareness and self-compassion.


When we stop displacing our hurt and start owning it, we finally begin to love with our eyes open, not our wounds.


Eye-Opening Question:


When you're in conflict with someone you love, are you truly fighting them—or are you defending yourself against someone who isn’t even in the room anymore?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



More Related Articles:

From Dependence to Strength: Transforming Toxic Codependency into a Powerful Partnership

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Dec 1, 2024

Transforming toxic codependency begins with recognizing unhealthy patterns and taking responsibility for one's emotional well-being. By setting healthy boundaries, fostering emotional independence, and supporting each other's growth, couples can shift from dependence to a stronger, more balanced relationship.

From Dependence to Strength: Transforming Toxic Codependency into a Powerful Partnership

In the realm of relationships, few dynamics are as complex and emotionally charged as codependency. Often viewed through a negative lens, toxic codependency involves one partner excessively relying on the other for emotional support, validation, and decision-making, often at the expense of their own well-being. But is there a way to turn this pattern of unhealthy dependence into a source of strength? The answer might surprise you: Yes, if you understand it, work through it, and set healthy boundaries, codependency can be transformed into an opportunity for profound personal growth.


The Roots of Codependency


Codependency tends to emerge from deeply ingrained beliefs about love, self-worth, and personal responsibility. In these relationships, one partner’s needs—emotional, physical, or psychological—often take precedence over their own, while the other partner might feel burdened or “needed” by the constant demands. It can manifest in a variety of ways: overprotectiveness, controlling behavior, excessive caregiving, or enabling unhealthy habits. The codependent individual may neglect their own mental health, believing that their worth is tied to helping or “fixing” the other person.


However, while toxic codependency can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion, it doesn’t always have to result in a destructive cycle. If both partners are open to change, codependency can be redefined as a mutually supportive bond, where both individuals find strength—not in dependency, but in interdependence.


Transforming Dependency into Strength


At its core, a healthy relationship involves balancing interdependence—where each partner brings their own strengths to the table, supports each other, and grows together. Codependency can become the foundation of a healthy partnership when both individuals take the time to:


  1. Recognize and Address the Root Causes: Whether stemming from childhood trauma, low self-esteem, or past relationships, understanding the root causes of codependent behaviors is the first step in breaking free. Therapy, self-reflection, and honest conversations can help each partner see where unhealthy patterns began and how they can heal.


  2. Set Healthy Boundaries: Codependents often struggle with boundaries, as they are so attuned to the needs of others that they forget about their own. By setting clear, respectful boundaries, each person can protect their mental health while still being there for each other in meaningful ways. It’s essential to realize that boundaries don’t equal rejection—they foster respect and self-care.


  3. Build Emotional Independence: One of the hardest aspects of overcoming codependency is learning to stand on your own emotionally. This doesn’t mean withdrawing or abandoning your partner but rather fostering self-reliance. Take up activities that strengthen your sense of self-worth outside the relationship, pursue hobbies, nurture friendships, and practice self-care rituals.


  4. Reframe “Needing” into “Supporting”: Rather than viewing each other as “needing” the other to survive emotionally, start seeing your partner as someone to support rather than complete you. This shifts the dynamic from one of emotional desperation to one of mutual growth, where both individuals can be vulnerable without being weak.


  5. Grow Together Through Shared Challenges: If you and your partner are both on a journey to heal from toxic codependency, working together toward common goals can be a powerful tool. Whether it’s improving communication skills, tackling individual issues like addiction or anxiety, or learning how to fight fair in arguments, growing as a team can turn a codependent relationship into a resilient partnership.


The Ultimate Goal: Mutual Empowerment


The ultimate goal in transforming codependency into strength is empowerment—both for you and your partner. True strength comes from recognizing your worth without relying on anyone else to define it. This shift requires courage and patience, and often, a willingness to let go of old patterns of thinking and relating to each other.


Imagine a relationship where both people are equally empowered, where love is given freely but without the pressure of needing to “fix” the other person. A relationship built on mutual respect, understanding, and self-empowerment is not only stronger but more fulfilling. By healing from toxic codependency, both partners can emerge with a deeper sense of who they are and what they bring to the table.


Conclusion: The Power of Interdependence


While codependency in its toxic form can be damaging, it’s crucial to remember that the underlying desire to care for one another is not inherently bad. With conscious effort, understanding, and a commitment to personal growth, you and your partner can turn toxic codependency into an opportunity for emotional resilience. The goal isn’t to “fix” each other, but to build each other up, creating a relationship based on respect, trust, and strength—an interdependent partnership where both individuals thrive.


In the end, the power of any relationship lies not in its dependency, but in the mutual strength its partners cultivate. By taking the first steps toward healing, recognizing your own worth, and supporting each other in your growth, you can transform a toxic codependent bond into an unbreakable force for good.


More Related Articles:

bottom of page