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Don’t Leave Me: What Distance Feels Like for Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 19

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often experience intense emotions, unstable relationships, and a deep fear of abandonment. Supporting someone with BPD requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to offer reassurance even when it's hard.

Don’t Leave Me: What Distance Feels Like for Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Imagine standing at the edge of a cliff, screaming for someone to hold your hand—but they’re just far enough away that you can’t reach them, and you're not sure if they’re walking toward you… or away. That’s what emotional distance can feel like for someone living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).


For many, a text message left unanswered or a slight change in tone during a conversation may be brushed off as normal. But for someone with BPD, these moments can ignite a powerful storm of fear, shame, and panic. It’s not about being dramatic. It’s about living with a brain wired to expect abandonment and wired for survival.


The Abyss of Abandonment


At the heart of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment—whether real, imagined, or tiny in nature. To the outside world, it might seem irrational. But for someone with BPD, every sign of distance feels like a prelude to loss. It doesn’t matter if the other person is just busy, tired, or emotionally preoccupied—their absence can feel like a vanishing act. And when that feeling hits, it’s not just emotional. It’s physical. It can feel like free-falling in an empty room, like your chest is hollow, your breath caught somewhere between grief and terror.

This is why distance, even emotional or momentary, becomes so unbearable.



The Need for “Too Much” Reassurance


You might hear someone with BPD say things like:


  • “Are you mad at me?”

  • “Do you still love me?”

  • “You’re going to leave, aren’t you?”


It’s not manipulation—it’s self-protection. Because when your inner world is a battleground between needing closeness and fearing it will disappear, reassurance becomes a lifeline. Repeating, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” might feel excessive to some, but for someone with BPD, it’s like oxygen in an emotional blackout.


Persistence Is the Superpower


What makes the biggest difference? Consistent, compassionate presence.


Comfort that shows up over and over, even when it feels repetitive. Not perfection—just persistence. A quiet message that says, “You’re not too much. I’ll stay with you through the waves.”


Whether you're a therapist, partner, friend, or family member, your grounded presence helps rewrite the narrative. You’re offering a counter-voice to the inner scream that says, “Everyone leaves.”

Sometimes it’s not about finding the perfect thing to say. Sometimes it’s about showing up again tomorrow. And the next day.


But what if they push you away when you try again and again?


Well… try again.


If you love or care about this person deeply—even if part of you feels annoyed, frustrated, or hurt in the moment—keep showing up. That consistency, even in the face of rejection, is what's needed most. That’s what begins to undo the lifelong story of abandonment. That’s what ultimately brings you closer.



So here’s the question:


If someone’s heart is built like a room with too many exit signs, are you willing to be the person who keeps coming back in?


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You Are Not a Burden, but a Gift: How Building a Support System Saved Me from Depression and Anxiety

  • Writer: Linda Liu | Mental Health Advocate | Guest Writer
    Linda Liu | Mental Health Advocate | Guest Writer
  • May 1
You Are Not a Burden, but a Gift: How Building a Support System Saved Me from Depression and Anxiety

I often woke up every few hours, feeling that the whole world was moving forward, and I was the only one trapped. Anxiety, depression, and the obsessive thinking that everyone I met hated me felt tangled. But reality never stopped because of my emotions: graduation was approaching, I had not found a job yet, and the world situation felt chaotic. I pretended to be normal while participating in social activities, career fairs, and volunteering to prove I was still valuable.


I dared not tell anyone.


I tried therapy, but I didn’t think it helped much at the time. When I would have video calls with my family, I only listened, because I felt everyone was busy and I couldn’t burden them with how I was feeling inside.


So I chose silence. This silence made me feel my psychological distance from people around me was growing, and I started to doubt the authenticity of everything surrounding me—the people, the connections, and the reality itself. Finally, the feeling of "opening my eyes, seeing the dawn, and hating myself for living another day" was too desperate to ignore. 


Seeking Professional Help


That day, I finally walked into the psychological counseling emergency room of the school hospital. There, I was referred to an off-campus therapist who specialized in the kind of support I needed. I felt so lucky I didn’t give up seeking professional help, as I found a suitable therapist this time. She was not the kind of therapist who seemed scripted or distant, but spoke with me sincerely. She was able to keenly perceive that many of the thoughts that made me fall into self-blame were rooted in cultural misunderstanding and unfamiliarity with American society.



She would gently explain things to me, clear up my misconceptions, and sometimes even take our sessions outside, walking by a sunlit lake near the clinic. I still remember walking home from that session, feeling—maybe for the first time in months—a sense of peace instead of panic. I wasn’t overwhelmed by the sound of my racing heartbeat anymore. Instead, a quiet, unfamiliar calm settled over me, surprising but steady.


Reconnecting with the People Who Love Me Most


But professional help, as essential as it was, wasn’t enough. True emotional recovery required me to reconnect with the people who loved me most.


Since my mental health became problematic, I intentionally reduced the frequency of calls with my family because I didn’t want them to worry and was afraid that my negative mood would affect them. I avoided talking about myself, just listening to them talk about their problems, and trying to offer positive emotional value.


On the surface, our communication seemed optimistic, but I felt more and more lonely and depressed. Until one day, my mother, grandmother, and aunt gathered together and asked me about my plans after graduation—stay or return to China, continue in HR or try something new. I was silent for a while, and said in a very soft voice: "I'm really sorry, I can't answer these questions now, because I panic for no reason every day. My only wish now is to live every day in peace."


I regretted it after I said it. I feared these negative emotions would bring unnecessary worries to my family thousands of miles away. But I didn’t expect that their responses would surprise me.


Grandma said that she also experienced anxiety and panic when she was young. Mom and Aunt told me that those voices like"Your life is meaningless" are our brains lying to us. They said: "You are not the first to experience this, and you will not be the last. We’ve been there too. And we made it through."


They accompanied me to calm down, pray, talk, and share their stories. After listening, I did feel much calmer, but I still couldn’t help but apologize, saying that I shouldn’t bring these negative things to them. But they whispered back, "We’ve been waiting for you to open up. And as we say these words to you, we’re also repeating them to ourselves—because we all need to be reminded, again and again."


At that moment, I finally understood: asking for help is not a burden, but an invitation to connection and mutual healing.



Self-Reflection and Self-Reconciliation


After recovering a little bit, I began to try to organize myself by writing self-reflections. I gradually realized that my anxiety and depression may come from a deep sense of lost control. As a highly sensitive introvert, especially a woman who grew up in an East Asian environment that advocates "think twice before you speak," it can be exhausting to study a business major that values high-intensity self-expression and charismatic leadership.


In one of my reflection papers, I wrote: If most business school students are like blooming flowers—vibrant and expressive—then I am more like water. Quiet, adaptable, invisible, but essential.


I nourished flowers from below for so long, alone, that sometimes I felt drained and unseen. I tried to become a flower too—but some things, like our temperament and values, can't be trained away. And that left me wondering if I truly belonged.


I sent this text to my friend Zoe, an education Ph.D. candidate, and I've always felt that she was what I wanted to be—gentle, caring, wise, and resilient. I told her: "I really hope I can be like you."


She immediately replied: "The world does not need another Zoe. It only needs a unique Linda."


What she said made me stop and think thoroughly—yes, we each came into this world with a unique talent. Our existence itself is an exceptional grace. I don’t need to be more like others to be more valuable. I deserve to be seen.


From that day on, I regained some control over my life. I no longer felt powerless and desperate when I got up, but felt that I had a mission: Today I will use my unique talent to create value for the world again.  I know I cannot guarantee that everyone around me will embrace or appreciate me. But I will keep turning my vulnerability into strength—to bring light to those in need.


Carlie Malott

Linda Liu

Mental Health Advocate | Guest Writer of Moody Melon Magazine

I am a graduate student at the University of Minnesota, passionate about fostering authentic human connection and emotional well-being in professional and personal spaces. I am a certified Mental Health First Aider by the National Council for Mental Wellbeing. I write to honor vulnerability, resilience, and hope.

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Building Your Own Support System: How to Find Strength When You're Struggling

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Mar 4

Building your own support system is an empowering way to take control of your mental health, ensuring you have the resources you need during tough times. By surrounding yourself with trusted individuals and self-care practices, you can create a foundation that strengthens your resilience and well-being.

Building Your Own Support System: How to Find Strength When You're Struggling

Life can throw us curveballs at any moment—whether it's stress, a personal loss, a mental health challenge, or even the weight of daily responsibilities. When you're struggling, it often feels like you need someone else to step in, provide guidance, or just listen. But what happens when those external sources of support aren't readily available? How do you create a network that’s there for you when you need it most?


While relying on family, friends, or therapists is important, there are times when you might have to take matters into your own hands and create your own support system. The truth is, building your own emotional toolkit and cultivating your own network of resources can be empowering, transformative, and ultimately, healing.


Here’s how you can take control and create a support system that works for you:


1. Start with Self-Awareness


The first step in building your support system is understanding what kind of help you need. Ask yourself: What kind of support will help me feel better in my current situation? Is it emotional support, practical help, or a mix of both?


Self-reflection is crucial because it helps you identify where your challenges lie. You might realize that you don’t need someone to "fix" your problems, but simply to listen. Or, you may find that having a concrete plan for organizing your day helps you manage your anxiety better.


2. Embrace Your Inner Circle – Even if It’s Small


When you’re struggling, it’s tempting to isolate yourself, believing that no one could possibly understand. However, your inner circle—those friends, family members, or colleagues you trust—can provide invaluable support. The key is to be honest with them about your needs.


Instead of expecting your inner circle to instinctively know what you need, take the initiative and share openly. For example, let them know if you need someone to talk to, a distraction, or just help with practical tasks like running errands or preparing meals. Sometimes, those closest to you are more than willing to step in if they understand the type of help you’re seeking.


If your inner circle feels too small, you can also expand your circle by reaching out to people you may not have considered before. This could include neighbors, co-workers, or even acquaintances who might offer the support you didn’t know you needed.


3. Seek Professional Help When Needed


A major aspect of building your support system is recognizing when professional help is needed. Therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals can be an essential resource for navigating tough times. They not only provide a safe, unbiased space to work through emotions, but they also help you develop the tools you need to manage your mental health.


Professional help may seem like an intimidating step, but it’s one of the most important ways to ensure your well-being. No one expects you to “do it alone,” and having someone trained to guide you through your struggles can be a game-changer.


4. Create Your Own Routines and Practices


A self-made support system isn’t just about people—it’s also about creating routines and practices that give you strength and grounding. This might involve activities that nurture your mental health, such as:


  • Exercise: Physical activity is one of the most powerful ways to boost your mood and manage stress. Whether it's yoga, walking, or dancing, moving your body can provide an immediate emotional lift.

  • Mindfulness or Meditation: These practices help calm your mind, build resilience, and keep you grounded, especially in moments of overwhelm.

  • Creative Outlets: Journaling, painting, or crafting can be incredibly therapeutic, allowing you to express feelings you might struggle to verbalize.


By creating regular practices that center you, you provide yourself with ongoing support—regardless of external circumstances.


5. Use Online Communities and Support Groups


In today’s digital age, creating a support system doesn't have to be limited to face-to-face interactions. Online support groups or mental health forums can connect you with others who are facing similar struggles. Whether it’s a Facebook group, Reddit forum, or specific mental health app, these platforms allow you to share your experiences, learn coping strategies, and feel understood without judgment.


One major advantage of online communities is their ability to provide support 24/7, offering a sense of connection during difficult times—especially when other sources of support might not be available.


6. Set Boundaries with Your Support System


It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you’re leaning on others for support. Remember that boundaries are essential—both for yourself and for those around you. You are entitled to communicate when you need space or when you’re not ready to engage in conversations about your struggles.


Healthy boundaries protect you from burnout and ensure that the support you receive remains positive and helpful. It’s okay to ask for what you need, take time for yourself, and also recognize when someone else might need a break.


7. Be Your Own Advocate


Finally, advocating for yourself is a critical part of building your support system. When you’re struggling, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-doubt and not ask for what you need. But you are the best person to determine what kind of support will help you.


Asking for help when you need it—whether it’s emotional, physical, or professional—is not a weakness. It's a step towards healing and empowerment. You deserve to ask for the care and understanding that you need to thrive.



In Conclusion


Building your own support system can be a deeply empowering process. It doesn’t mean you have to navigate life’s challenges alone, but it does mean you are actively participating in your own healing by creating resources and connections that truly work for you.


The strength to ask for help, create boundaries, and access tools for self-care lies within you. With a mix of people, practices, and professional guidance, you can create a support system that’s uniquely yours.


Eye-Opening Question: What small step can you take today to start building or strengthening your own support system, even if it’s just a conversation with someone you trust?


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