- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- Dec 19, 2024
Parental modeling plays a crucial role in shaping how children develop emotion regulation skills, as they learn to manage their feelings by observing their parents' reactions. When parents demonstrate healthy emotional responses, such as calmly handling stress or expressing empathy, they provide children with the tools to regulate their own emotions effectively.
As parents, we often find ourselves in a balancing act between being caregivers, role models, and disciplinarians. But here's something that may be more important than any advice we could give or rules we impose: how we model emotions. It's a truth that often gets overlooked in the hustle and bustle of parenting, but the emotional environment we create has a far-reaching impact on our children's mental health and their ability to manage their emotions.
When it comes to emotional regulation—our ability to manage, express, and control emotions effectively—the most powerful lesson children learn isn't from what we say, but from what they see us do. From the way we react to frustration, deal with stress, or express joy, our kids are constantly observing, absorbing, and internalizing these behaviors. As it turns out, how we model emotional regulation shapes their emotional intelligence, resilience, and overall mental health for years to come.
Why Parental Modeling Matters
Emotions are complex. As adults, we know how difficult it can be to manage strong feelings like anger, anxiety, and sadness. We also know how tempting it is to suppress or avoid them entirely. However, children, especially younger ones, don’t have the cognitive skills to understand or regulate their emotions in the same way adults do. They look to us as their primary sources of emotional guidance.
Emotional regulation, simply put, is the ability to experience and express emotions in a healthy way. Children who learn strong emotional regulation skills from their parents grow up better equipped to handle life’s challenges, make thoughtful decisions, and maintain healthier relationships.
Studies show that children of parents who model positive emotion regulation are more likely to develop:
Higher Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Children who see their parents express emotions appropriately learn to do the same. Emotional intelligence—being aware of, understanding, and managing one’s own emotions—has been linked to success in school, work, and relationships.
Reduced Anxiety & Stress: When children see their parents handle stress in healthy ways, they’re more likely to adopt similar coping strategies. Conversely, when parents struggle with emotional outbursts or avoidant behaviors, children may internalize that fear or anxiety and struggle with their own emotional regulation.
Better Social Skills: Emotional regulation is crucial in social interactions. Children who see their parents manage frustration, resolve conflicts, and express empathy are better able to interact with their peers and form strong social bonds.
The Science of Parental Influence
According to developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, the type of parenting style we adopt can have a significant influence on a child’s ability to regulate their emotions. For example:
Authoritative Parenting (High warmth, high control): This parenting style, characterized by warmth, consistency, and reasonable expectations, fosters secure attachment and strong emotional regulation skills in children.
Authoritarian Parenting (Low warmth, high control): This style tends to focus on obedience and discipline over emotional connection, often stifling emotional expression and teaching children to suppress their emotions.
Permissive Parenting (High warmth, low control): While this style promotes emotional connection, the lack of boundaries can lead to emotional dysregulation, as children are not taught how to manage their emotions in the face of challenges.
In all cases, what truly matters is how parents respond to their own emotions and how they teach their children to respond to emotional challenges.
Practical Ways to Model Emotion Regulation
We don’t have to be perfect. In fact, showing vulnerability and acknowledging our own struggles with emotional regulation can teach our children that it’s okay to have feelings—what matters is how we manage them. Here are some practical tips for modeling emotional regulation in everyday life:
1. Acknowledge and Name Your Emotions
It’s not enough to just “stay calm” in difficult moments. Kids need to see why we stay calm and how we identify and express our feelings. For instance, if you’re frustrated, say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now because I can’t find my keys, but I’m going to take a deep breath and keep looking calmly.” By naming your feelings, you’re teaching your child that emotions are normal and manageable.
2. Use “Pause and Breathe” Techniques
When you feel overwhelmed, show your children that taking a moment to pause, breathe deeply, and reset is a healthy way to manage stress. Children absorb these techniques better when they see them in action. You might say, “I’m going to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down,” or “Let’s both take a moment to breathe before we continue talking.”
3. Apologize When Necessary
We all make mistakes. The way we model owning up to them can teach kids accountability and self-awareness. If you lose your temper or react in a way you later regret, apologize sincerely and explain how you’re going to handle things differently next time. This demonstrates to your child that emotions don’t need to control us and that we can make amends and move forward.
4. Show Empathy
When your child is upset, show empathy and model how to respond with kindness. Instead of rushing to fix the problem, say, “I can see you’re really upset. It’s okay to feel sad or angry sometimes. Let’s talk about it.” This teaches your child that it’s okay to have difficult emotions and that there’s a way to manage them without being overwhelmed by them.
5. Use Positive Self-Talk
Your internal dialogue speaks volumes. If you’re frustrated or anxious, use positive self-talk aloud to demonstrate how you calm yourself down. “This is frustrating, but I know I can handle this” or “I’m feeling nervous, but I’ve done hard things before, and I’ll be okay.” Children who hear this will learn to model these helpful thoughts for themselves.
6. Create Emotional Routines
Building in regular moments for emotional connection can make a big difference. This can include family check-ins at the dinner table where everyone talks about their day and how they’re feeling. By modeling emotional openness and encouraging it in a structured way, children will develop emotional awareness.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, the most powerful tool we have as parents is our own behavior. It’s less about giving perfect advice and more about showing our kids how to navigate the complexities of their own emotions. The more we model healthy emotional regulation, the better equipped our children will be to handle their own emotional challenges and thrive.
So, the question is: How are you modeling emotion regulation today, and how will your example shape the emotional health of the next generation?
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