- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- 3 days ago
Why we push away the people we crave most often comes down to fear disguised as protection. When love feels too close to the pain we once knew, our hearts confuse safety with danger—and we push away the very people who make us feel most alive.
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You know that feeling—wanting someone to come close, yet flinching the second they do? It’s like your heart is stepping on the gas and the brakes at the same time. One part of you aches for connection, while another part screams, “Back off before it hurts!”
This inner tug-of-war is called approach-avoidance conflict, and it’s one of the most confusing emotional experiences a person can face—especially in close relationships.
The Push and Pull of the Heart
When you experience approach-avoidance conflict, your emotions are caught between two competing needs: the need for safety and the need for intimacy. One moment, you’re desperate for closeness; the next, you feel suffocated by it. This pattern can leave you questioning your feelings, your partner, and even your sanity. Understanding this dynamic isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about realizing your brain is still trying to protect you from an old danger that no longer exists. Recognizing that is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle.
When Love Feels Like a Threat
For many people who’ve lived through neglect, abuse, or emotional inconsistency growing up, love can feel both magnetic and terrifying. As children, we learned that affection often came with conditions or danger—that the same hands that offered comfort could also cause pain.
So as adults, our brains get mixed up. We crave closeness because that’s how humans are wired, but our nervous system remembers the hurt and tries to protect us by pushing people away.
We might say things like,
“I just need space,” when we actually want to be held.
“They don’t really care,” when they’ve been trying their best.
Or, “I’m done with this,” when what we really mean is, “Please, don’t give up on me.”
It’s not manipulation—it’s survival.
The Hidden Cost of Staying Torn
Living in that constant emotional back-and-forth is exhausting. You start doubting yourself, your partner, even your own feelings. One moment you feel desperate for connection; the next, you’re cold, distant, or furious for being “invaded.”
This cycle doesn’t just strain relationships—it erodes self-trust. You start believing there’s something wrong with you, when in reality, your mind is just trying to protect an old wound with outdated tools.
Healing the Inner Conflict
Healing approach-avoidance conflict starts with noticing what’s happening—without shame. It means pausing long enough to recognize when your fear is taking the wheel. It means reminding yourself: “I’m safe now. This isn’t the past.”
Therapy, self-compassion, and open communication with loved ones can gradually retrain your nervous system to understand that closeness isn’t dangerous anymore. And when you start feeling safe enough to let love in—even just a little—you begin to rewrite the story your trauma once told.
Eye-opening question: If love itself isn’t what hurts us—but the fear of losing it—what might happen if, for once, you stopped running and simply let yourself be loved?
💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?
Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉
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