How to Gently Work Through What Might Be Getting in the Way of Your Therapy

Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
Jul 14
5 min read

Updated: Oct 3

If you've ever wondered why therapy feels stuck or harder than expected, it might be time to gently explore what might be getting in the way of your therapy — not as failure, but as a clue to something important underneath.

How to Gently Work Through What Might Be Getting in the Way of Your Therapy

Therapy is a powerful tool for healing — but healing isn’t always a smooth road. Sometimes, even when we’re deeply committed to feeling better, certain behaviors, thoughts, or patterns can sneak in and get in the way. You might start to miss sessions, hold back when things get emotional, or find yourself avoiding certain topics altogether.

These experiences are incredibly common. They’re called therapy-interfering behaviors — and they are not a sign that something is wrong with you. In fact, they often mean you’re right on the edge of something important.

Let’s explore why they happen, how to recognize them, and — most importantly — how to work through them with compassion.

Click to learn About Person-Centered Therapy: Your Path to Personal Growth

Why Does This Happen?

You might expect therapy to be hard at times. But what most people don’t expect is how sneaky avoidance or protection can look. Therapy-interfering behaviors often show up without us realizing it. They're not intentional sabotage — they’re often old survival habits showing up in a new, vulnerable space.

Here are some examples:

Canceling or rescheduling often: You may not feel ready to face certain topics, or fear opening up.
Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not: You may have learned that being honest about your pain leads to judgment, rejection, or consequences.
Joking through emotional moments: Humor is a powerful coping tool — but sometimes it’s a shield that keeps feelings at bay.
Overexplaining or intellectualizing: It might feel safer to talk about emotions than to actually feel them.
Avoiding eye contact or going silent: Your nervous system may be going into freeze mode without you even realizing it.

These behaviors likely protected you at one point in your life. They helped you stay safe in situations where vulnerability wasn’t allowed or welcomed. Now, in therapy, they show up again — even though you’re in a safe space.

What If the Problem Is Actually a Signal?

It’s easy to feel frustrated with yourself when these patterns show up. You might wonder, “Why do I keep doing this?” or “What’s wrong with me?” But instead of seeing these behaviors as blocks, what if you saw them as messages?

Every time you shut down, cancel, or deflect, there may be a deeper question underneath:

Is it safe to talk about this? Will I be believed? What if I fall apart?

Therapy-interfering behaviors aren’t the problem — they’re signals from a part of you that’s been hurt or afraid. That part isn’t trying to sabotage you. It’s trying to protect you from being hurt again.

Once you see these behaviors as protective, you can start to explore them with gentleness rather than guilt.

Click to Learn About How Somatic Therapy Can Heal the Mind

How to Work Through It (Without Shame)

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to be “doing therapy perfectly.” In fact, therapy is one of the only places where it’s not about being perfect — it’s about being real. Here’s how you can start working with these patterns in a healing way:

1. Notice the Pattern

Awareness is the first step. Start to gently observe what happens for you before, during, or after sessions. Do you feel tense when your therapist asks certain questions? Do you find yourself wanting to change the subject, or cancel at the last minute?

You don’t need to judge the behavior — just notice it.

Try writing it down or saying to yourself: “I noticed I checked out during that topic.”, “I’ve been avoiding sessions ever since we talked about X.”

This awareness builds insight — and with insight, you can make new choices.

2. Talk About It With Your Therapist

This can feel scary — but it can also be the turning point. A good therapist won’t judge or scold you for your coping patterns. They’ll get curious with you.

You might say:

“I think I hold back sometimes and I don’t know why.”
“When we talk about that topic, I kind of shut down.”
“I’ve been canceling sessions lately and I think it’s about more than just scheduling.”

By naming the behavior together, you make it less powerful. You turn the light on, and those automatic patterns lose some of their grip.

3. Get Curious, Not Critical

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, try asking:

“What might this behavior be protecting?”
“When did I first start doing this?”
“What part of me feels unsafe in this moment?”

This mindset turns shame into self-inquiry. You start to build a relationship with the parts of you that are scared, cautious, or slow to trust — and those parts begin to feel less alone.

4. Be Gentle With Yourself

Change doesn’t happen in a straight line. You might work through one behavior, only for another to pop up later. That’s okay.

Therapy is not about getting it right. It’s about showing up. It’s about being willing to look at what’s happening — and letting someone walk alongside you as you do.

Give yourself grace. You’re learning to do something that’s incredibly brave: to show up fully, even when it’s hard.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Learning to Trust

When therapy feels hard, or when you notice yourself pulling away, it’s not failure — it’s a moment that matters. It means you’re at the edge of something real.

Therapy-interfering behaviors often mirror what happens in the rest of life: how we avoid conflict, suppress feelings, or try to stay in control. When you begin to shift these patterns in therapy, you’re not just improving your sessions — you’re changing your life.

And best of all? You don’t have to do it alone.