- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- Aug 30
The illusion of control can make us believe we're protecting ourselves from chaos, when in reality, we're just exhausting ourselves trying to manage the unmanageable. Many trauma survivors cling to the illusion of control as a way to feel safe, not realizing that true healing begins when they start to let go.
We live in a world that glorifies control. We monitor our calories, track our sleep, plan our careers, and curate our lives online with precision. The message is clear: the more control you have, the more successful, safe, and worthy you are.
But here’s the reality—control is often a coping mechanism, not a solution. And learning to let go of it might just be the most radical act of healing you ever undertake.
The Root Beneath the Need: Trauma and Control
Let’s get honest: the need to control doesn’t come from nowhere. It often has deep, emotional roots—especially in childhood trauma.
When a child grows up in an environment that is unpredictable, chaotic, neglectful, or abusive, they don’t just learn that the world is unsafe—they internalize that they must manage the chaos to survive it. Whether that meant reading a parent’s mood before speaking, hiding their needs to avoid punishment, or being “perfect” to receive love, control became a tool for safety.
These early survival strategies are adaptive—they serve a purpose. But as we grow into adulthood, those same patterns can become maladaptive, driving anxiety, perfectionism, emotional suppression, and even relational difficulties.
We stop reacting to the present moment and instead live in a state of hypervigilance, trying to anticipate and manage every possible threat—even when the danger is long gone.
Control, then, becomes a kind of armor:
If I can control everything, nothing can hurt me.
If I get it all right, no one will leave.
If I stay busy, I won’t have to feel.
But what begins as protection can quietly turn into imprisonment.
The Hidden Toll of Staying in Control
Over time, living in a control-driven state takes a toll:
Chronic stress and anxiety
Disconnection from intuition and emotion
Inflexibility in relationships and routines
Fear of change or uncertainty
An inability to ask for help or trust others
What’s worse, it often reinforces shame: Why can’t I relax? Why do I always feel on edge? When, in truth, these are not personality flaws—they’re the echoes of trauma.
Letting Go as a Form of Healing
Letting go of control doesn’t mean becoming careless or passive. It means making the conscious decision to stop living from a place of fear and start living from a place of trust. This is not easy work. For someone with a trauma history, surrendering control can feel like walking into the fire. But with time, therapy, support, and inner work, it becomes possible to:
Identify the original wounds that created the need for control
Develop nervous system regulation tools (breathwork, grounding, etc.)
Rebuild trust in yourself and safe people
Shift from reaction to response
Learn that safety can come from within, not from managing everything outside of you
Healing doesn’t require us to be in control. It asks us to be present, curious, and compassionate with the parts of ourselves that once had no choice.
The Wisdom of Surrender
There is power in choosing to loosen your grip. In allowing space for uncertainty. In practicing self-compassion when old patterns rise. In learning to trust that you can navigate what life brings—even when it doesn’t go according to plan.
Letting go of control is not weakness. It’s an act of courage. It’s a statement that says: I no longer need to protect myself from a past that isn’t happening anymore.
Eye-Opening Question:
If your need for control was born from a time when you had no safety—what might healing look like if you gave yourself permission to feel safe now?
💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?
Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉
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