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When Rage Takes Over: How to Stop the Cycle of 'Nothing You Do is Right' in Relationships

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jan 3

In moments when rage takes over, remembering simple tools like deep breathing and taking a step back can help you stop the emotional flood and regain control before saying or doing something you'll regret.

When Rage Takes Over: How to Stop the Cycle of 'Nothing You Do is Right' in Relationships

Have you ever found yourself in a whirlwind of rage, watching your partner’s every move push you further into a state of frustration and anger? The feeling that no matter what they do, it's always wrong? It’s like your emotions are completely out of control, and yet, you're also fully aware that the situation doesn’t warrant the intensity of your response.


This is the feeling of borderline rage—a form of emotional dysregulation that can hijack your rational mind, especially in relationships. It’s not just frustration; it’s a complete loss of perspective where every action your partner takes feels like an attack. Suddenly, you’re in the midst of a storm that you didn’t even see coming.



What is Borderline Rage?


Borderline rage is often associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but it can also occur in people who don’t have a BPD diagnosis. It’s an intense, overwhelming emotional reaction to a situation that feels unfair or out of control, and it’s commonly accompanied by feelings of betrayal, helplessness, or abandonment.


When borderline rage kicks in, it can feel like a switch flips in your brain, turning you from calm to volcanic in mere moments. And once the rage is sparked, it often results in destructive behaviors—whether it's snapping at your partner, lashing out verbally, or simply withdrawing into complete silence. The emotional volatility can leave both partners feeling helpless and confused.


But here's the catch: it's not always about your partner’s actions. Often, the emotions that fuel your rage are tied to past hurts or unresolved internal conflicts, making it difficult to pinpoint exactly why something as simple as your partner forgetting to take out the trash can trigger a complete meltdown.


Why Does It Happen?


The root of borderline rage can be complex and multifaceted.


  • Past Trauma: If you’ve experienced significant emotional trauma, particularly in childhood or past relationships, your brain might be more likely to overreact to perceived slights or failures. It’s a defense mechanism: you’re anticipating abandonment or rejection, and your emotions go into overdrive to protect you.


  • Fear of Abandonment: At its core, borderline rage often stems from a deep fear of abandonment. When your partner forgets something minor or says something that feels dismissive, your mind can amplify it into a catastrophic issue. It’s not just the act; it’s the fear that it means something bigger: they don’t care, they’re leaving, they don’t value you.


  • Emotional Dysregulation: This refers to difficulty managing and responding to emotional experiences in a way that is proportionate to the situation. For individuals who experience borderline rage, the emotional response doesn’t match the event.


How to Get Out of the "Nothing You Do is Right" Zone Fast


Now that we’ve discussed what borderline rage is and why it happens, let’s look at how you can snap out of the emotional whirlpool when it feels like your partner can’t do anything right. Here are strategies to regain control:



  1. Pause and Breathe: The first step to diffusing your anger is to recognize it. When you feel the rage starting to rise, give yourself permission to pause. Step away from the situation if you need to. Step outside, go into a different room, or take deep breaths to calm your nervous system. When your body feels the physiological signs of rage (clenched fists, racing heart), your rational mind shuts down. Breathing deeply and focusing on your inhale and exhale can help to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which calms you down.


  2. Identify Your Trigger, Not Just the Behavior: Ask yourself: What’s really bothering me here? Is it the forgotten trash or the fact that your partner is "always" forgetting things and that makes you feel undervalued? Dig deeper. It’s rarely about the thing they did. It’s more likely tied to something else you’ve experienced or an unmet emotional need. Awareness of the trigger can allow you to respond more consciously instead of reacting instinctively.


  3. Practice Self-Compassion: It's easy to get caught up in self-judgment after an emotional outburst, but this only intensifies the cycle of guilt and shame. Be kind to yourself in those moments. Acknowledge that your emotions are valid, but your reaction may not have been. It’s okay to feel angry—but it's also important to handle that anger in a healthier way. Forgive yourself for losing control, and give yourself permission to repair the situation.


  4. Shift Your Focus: When you’re in the middle of an argument, try shifting your focus from the behavior that upset you to what you need in that moment. Are you feeling neglected? Do you need reassurance? Focus on your emotional needs and express them directly. Instead of attacking your partner for being careless, say something like, “I feel invisible when the small things are forgotten, and I need more attention and care to feel loved.” This shifts the conversation from blame to understanding.


  5. Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness can help you to observe your thoughts without reacting to them. The next time you feel your mind spinning with anger, try labeling your thoughts. “Okay, I’m feeling angry now. Why am I angry? Is this about my partner, or is this about something inside me?” Taking a step back and observing your emotions without judgment can help you to break free from the cycle of anger.


  6. Use a "Cool-Down" Word: Have a word or phrase that you and your partner can use as a signal when you’re starting to spiral. For example, when you feel the rage creeping in, you could say, “I need a time-out,” or "This is not about you," and then take a brief moment to cool down. Having a pre-agreed signal with your partner will help prevent misunderstandings and allow you both to reset before things escalate.


  7. Seek Professional Support: If you find that borderline rage is affecting your relationships and daily life, it may be time to seek therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is especially effective for managing intense emotions and developing healthier coping strategies. Therapy can provide you with the tools to regulate your emotions and prevent your anger from overtaking your relationships.


Conclusion


Borderline rage can feel uncontrollable, but the good news is that it can be managed. By taking a step back, identifying the true triggers, and practicing mindfulness, you can regain control before you get lost in the emotional whirlwind.


But here’s the real question: When the anger subsides and you have the chance to look at your partner, will you choose connection or conflict? What’s truly at the heart of the fight?


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The Magic of Disney: Navigating the Happiest Place on Earth with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jan 2

Navigating Disney World with Generalized Anxiety Disorder requires careful planning, as the overwhelming crowds and constant sensory stimulation can trigger stress, but with the right strategies, the magic of the park can still be experienced.

The Magic of Disney: Navigating the Happiest Place on Earth with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Anyone who’s been to Disney World knows it’s a place full of magic and excitement—rides, shows, parades, and more. It’s a place designed to spark joy, wonder, and childhood nostalgia. But for someone living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), the overwhelming sensory input, crowds, and high expectations can transform a dream vacation into a source of stress. The thought of navigating the theme parks, managing long lines, and keeping up with a packed itinerary can cause anxiety levels to spike.


So how do you enjoy Disney World when your mind is constantly swirling with worries? How do you take in the magic while managing the symptoms of GAD, such as excessive worry, restlessness, and physical tension? It’s all about preparation, strategies, and learning to take the experience one moment at a time.



1. Plan, But Keep It Flexible


For those with GAD, unpredictability can feel like a threat, so planning is essential. Create an itinerary with must-do activities and rough timelines for when you’d like to visit specific attractions. But, here’s the key: keep it flexible. The pressure to stick to a rigid schedule can worsen anxiety. Instead, give yourself permission to veer off the plan if something doesn’t feel right—whether it’s skipping a ride, taking an impromptu break, or simply wandering around and soaking in the sights.


Disney’s charm lies in the spontaneity of the experience—impromptu parades, surprise character sightings, and the simple joy of walking through the parks. Let go of the need for perfection and embrace the magic of unpredictability.


2. Practice Grounding Techniques


It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the sensory overload in Disney World—bright lights, loud noises, huge crowds. For those with GAD, this environment can feel more chaotic than exciting. Grounding techniques, such as focusing on your breath or engaging your senses, can help bring you back to the present moment.


One simple exercise is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, where you focus on:


  • 5 things you can see,

  • 4 things you can touch,

  • 3 things you can hear,

  • 2 things you can smell,

  • 1 thing you can taste.


This method helps to anchor you in the moment, reducing the overwhelming swirl of anxious thoughts and bringing your focus back to the world around you.


3. Take Breaks—and Know Where the Quiet Zones Are


You don’t have to power through the entire day at full throttle. In fact, taking breaks is one of the most important strategies when managing anxiety. Fortunately, Disney parks have designated quiet areas where you can retreat and recharge. These spaces—often tucked away near gardens, shaded seating areas, or less crowded corners—offer a sanctuary where you can sit, breathe, and center yourself.


Even if you just need five minutes to reset, stepping away from the hustle and bustle will help lower your anxiety and prevent it from escalating.



4. Focus on the Small Wins


With GAD, it’s easy to get caught up in the "what-ifs" and worries about the big picture. Will I enjoy the ride? What if something goes wrong? What if I don’t make it to the next show? To counter this, focus on the small wins—the little moments that go right. Celebrate the success of just being there, of navigating a new environment, and experiencing joy despite your anxiety.


Did you make it through the line for Space Mountain without getting too overwhelmed? That’s a win! Did you enjoy a delicious snack while watching the parade? Another win! By reorienting your mindset toward gratitude for the small victories, you’ll start to see the magic unfold.


5. Bring a Support Person (Or Be Your Own Support)


If possible, bring a trusted friend, family member, or partner who understands your anxiety and can provide reassurance during difficult moments. Having someone by your side who can help ground you in moments of high anxiety can make a world of difference.


But what if you’re going solo? You can still be your own support system. Before you go, set up a plan for self-care. Create mental affirmations that you can repeat to yourself during stressful moments—something like, “I’m doing my best, and it’s okay to take a break when I need it.”


6. Stay Physically Relaxed


Stress isn’t just mental; it shows up physically too. Tension can build up in your body, especially in places like your shoulders, neck, and stomach. Use this as a cue to check in with your body throughout the day. Simple stretches, deep breathing, or even taking a short walk can help release physical tension. Hydrate, get plenty of rest, and listen to your body’s needs. You’re not just managing your mind, but your physical well-being too.


7. Remember: You’re Not Alone


Thousands of people with anxiety visit Disney World each year. And while it might feel like a solo struggle, you’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed. If you feel comfortable, reach out to park staff or other guests who may be more understanding than you expect. The parks have a range of resources, from guest assistance to calming spaces, designed to make your experience smoother.


The Bottom Line: It’s All About Finding Your Magic


Living with GAD doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the magic of Disney World. By preparing in advance, embracing flexibility, and taking care of your mental and physical well-being, you can have an incredible experience without feeling consumed by your anxiety. Remember: the magic of Disney is not just in the fireworks or the rides—it’s in your ability to manage the moment, no matter what your mind is telling you.


Now, the real question is: What’s more magical—the rides, or the personal victories you achieve when you challenge your anxiety head-on?


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From Shadows to Sunshine: How Jones Conquered Survivor's Guilt and Reclaimed His Life

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jan 1

Note: This content is fictional and created with the intention to inspire, uplift, and support you on your mental health journey. If it feels discouraging, please feel free to disregard it—your well-being is always the priority.

From Shadows to Sunshine: How Jones Conquered Survivor's Guilt and Reclaimed His Life

Survivor's guilt is a heavy burden. It’s an invisible weight that’s difficult to explain but incredibly real for those who feel its suffocating presence. For Jones, this haunting feeling began after he lost a close friend in a tragic accident. It wasn’t just grief—it was the unbearable question: Why did I survive when they didn’t? The intense sorrow, the sense of unfairness, and the feelings of unworthiness engulfed him, nearly drowning his spirit. But Jones’s journey to reclaim his life shows that healing is possible, even when the emotional scars run deep.


The Silent Struggle: Wrestling with Guilt


Jones's battle with survivor's guilt didn’t announce itself in dramatic outbursts; rather, it crept into his thoughts, settling into quiet moments when his mind would wander. It was during those moments of solitude that the voices of self-blame became the loudest. “I should’ve done something,” he would think. “If only I had been there, if only I could have changed the outcome.”


This toxic loop consumed him, keeping him from seeing the world with clarity and joy. It became impossible to find meaning in simple things, as guilt tainted everything he touched. His relationships began to suffer, his work became secondary, and the vibrant future he once envisioned for himself seemed out of reach.


Breaking the Cycle: Facing the Guilt


One day, during a routine therapy session, Jones voiced his feelings for the first time, admitting that he couldn’t escape the weight of his guilt. It was a moment of vulnerability—he had carried the shame for so long, and finally speaking it aloud felt like a small but significant release.


His therapist, understanding the complexity of survivor's guilt, encouraged him to confront the emotions rather than push them down. He was asked a simple question that changed everything: What would your friend want for you?


At first, Jones couldn’t imagine an answer. But as he sat with the question, it became clear—his friend would want him to live. To live fully, without constantly carrying the weight of an unchangeable past.


The Road to Reclaiming Life


It wasn’t an easy path, and there were days when the guilt resurfaced, more powerful than ever. But with each passing week, Jones started to reshape his thoughts. He learned that surviving isn’t a crime—it’s an opportunity. An opportunity to honor those lost, to live a life in their memory, and to use his survival to fuel purpose rather than regret.


Jones began to adopt small but profound shifts in his daily routine. He started journaling, writing out his emotions and experiences without judgment. This simple act helped him gain perspective, slowly allowing him to process the guilt and grief. He also engaged in activities he had once loved—hiking, painting, even taking the occasional solo trip.


Reconnecting with himself helped him rediscover a sense of joy and possibility.

One breakthrough moment came when he decided to volunteer for a cause that aligned with his friend’s passions. In doing so, Jones could channel his grief into something meaningful, turning the sadness into a tribute. It wasn’t a cure for the guilt, but it provided a sense of purpose and peace.


The Power of Forgiveness and Self-Compassion


One of the most powerful lessons Jones learned was the importance of self-compassion. He spent so much of his life trying to make sense of his survival, often blaming himself for something that was beyond his control. The reality, he learned, is that survivor’s guilt often involves circumstances that no one could have changed. Healing began when Jones forgave himself and accepted that there is no fault in being the one who survived.


He also recognized that his guilt was rooted in love—a love for the friend he lost. The guilt wasn’t a sign of weakness, but rather a deep emotional connection. Instead of seeing it as something to banish, he started to embrace it as part of his journey toward healing.


Moving Forward: A New Chapter


Today, Jones is a different person—still carrying the memory of his friend, but no longer allowing guilt to rule his life. He’s rebuilt his relationships, reconnected with old passions, and reclaimed his sense of purpose. He no longer sees life through a lens of “what ifs” but through a lens of “what now?” He’s learned that moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting—it means finding ways to live fully despite the past.


His story isn’t unique—many of us face our own battles with guilt, loss, and grief. But Jones’s journey shows us that it’s possible to move beyond these feelings and reclaim our lives, even when we feel undeserving of joy.


An Eye-Opening Question:


Are you carrying the weight of guilt from something that happened in your past, believing you don’t deserve to move on? What would your loved ones want for you now—growth, peace, and a life well-lived, or for you to remain stuck in the shadow of guilt?


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