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When the Past Parents the Present: How Trauma Flashbacks Shape the Way We Raise Our Children

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • May 17

Trauma flashbacks are vivid, often overwhelming experiences where a person mentally relives a past traumatic event as if it's happening all over again. They can be triggered by sights, sounds, smells, or even emotions that resemble aspects of the original trauma. During a flashback, the brain's threat system is activated, making it hard to distinguish between past and present—which can significantly impact relationships, daily functioning, and especially parenting.

When the Past Parents the Present: How Trauma Flashbacks Shape the Way We Raise Our Children

Imagine this: You’re standing in your kitchen, your toddler screaming after dropping a cup of milk. Suddenly, your body tenses. Your heart races. Your palms sweat. You’re no longer in your kitchen—you’re back in that place, in that moment. It was decades ago, but it floods back now, triggered by a scream, a sound, a feeling. This is a trauma flashback—and for many parents, it’s not just a personal experience, but one that quietly seeps into how they parent their children.


The Invisible Link Between Trauma and Parenting


Parenting is often described as the ultimate test of patience, love, and endurance. But for parents with unhealed trauma, it becomes a battlefield between past and present. Trauma flashbacks, unlike memories, are not just recollections—they are relivings. The body and brain react as if the traumatic event is happening again. For parents, this can interfere with emotional regulation, communication, and even the ability to feel safe in their own home.


Without realizing it, trauma can hijack parenting moments. A child’s tantrum might not just be annoying—it might be terrifying. Crying might feel like criticism. Boundary-testing might feel like betrayal. In these moments, the brain is not reacting to the child in front of them, but to the ghost of their own childhood trauma.


Emotional Time Travel


Flashbacks may come in many forms: a sound that stings, a smell that transports, or a behavior that mirrors a once-feared adult. The nervous system doesn’t distinguish between past and present—it simply reacts. That reaction can look like yelling, shutting down, emotional withdrawal, or even dissociation. And the heartbreaking reality is that these trauma responses can confuse and distress children who need connection, not fear.


Parents may find themselves overreacting to minor issues, feeling numb during important bonding moments, or unable to tolerate typical developmental behaviors. Guilt and shame often follow. Many ask, “What’s wrong with me?” when the real question is, “What happened to me?”



What to Do In the Moment of Realization


When that moment of realization hits—when you suddenly recognize that you're being triggered, reacting from a place of past pain—pause. It’s a powerful moment, and what you do next matters.


1. Name it. Silently or out loud, say: “This is a trauma response.” Naming what's happening helps you step out of it and creates just enough space between the reaction and the response.


2. Breathe deeply. Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Repeat. Your breath is the fastest way to cue safety to your nervous system and bring you back into the present.


3. Ground yourself. Press your feet into the floor. Look around the room and name five things you see. Grab a textured object or splash cold water on your hands—anything to remind your body: You are safe now.


4. Reconnect with your child. If possible, kneel down, soften your tone, and say something like: “I need a moment to calm my body. I’m working on it. I love you.” This models emotional regulation and helps repair the bond.


5. Reflect later. Journal what triggered the response and how you felt. Over time, patterns emerge—insight that becomes the blueprint for healing.


These micro-moments of awareness and self-regulation may seem small, but they are the quiet revolutions that shift generational patterns.



Healing to Break the Cycle


The good news? Trauma doesn’t have to define your parenting. Becoming aware of how trauma flashbacks influence your behavior is the first powerful step. Therapy—especially trauma-informed modalities like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or internal family systems—can help reprocess these painful experiences and create space for healing.


Mindfulness, grounding exercises, and nervous system regulation strategies are not just buzzwords—they are lifelines for parents working to stay present, regulated, and responsive. And seeking help isn’t weakness—it’s one of the most courageous gifts a parent can give their child: the gift of breaking generational cycles.


Eye-Opening Question:If your child could meet the younger version of you—the one who endured the trauma—how would they want you to show up for that inner child today?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



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How Childhood Modeling Shapes Social Anxiety: Are We Setting the Stage for Fear?

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jan 28

Childhood modeling plays a crucial role in shaping how children develop social behaviors, often laying the groundwork for future struggles with social anxiety. The way parents, caregivers, and peers handle social situations can significantly influence whether a child grows up with healthy social coping mechanisms or develops heightened social anxiety.

How Childhood Modeling Shapes Social Anxiety: Are We Setting the Stage for Fear?

Social anxiety can be debilitating, often making simple social interactions feel like towering obstacles. For many individuals, the roots of this anxiety are not easily explained by external factors alone—there’s often a deeper story from childhood, where early experiences with social modeling play a pivotal role in shaping future behaviors and fears.


The Role of Childhood Modeling in Social Anxiety


We all learn from those around us, especially in our early years. Whether we’re mimicking our parents, caregivers, or peers, the behaviors we observe and imitate are critical in the development of our social selves. For children, these “models” provide a blueprint for how to navigate social situations—how to interact, react, and engage with the world.

But what happens when those role models are anxious, avoidant, or have negative social interactions themselves? How do these behaviors trickle down into a child’s own experiences?


Research suggests that parents and caregivers, whether knowingly or unknowingly, provide a framework for their children’s social habits and attitudes. When a parent exhibits anxious behaviors in social situations, children may adopt similar patterns, viewing anxiety as a natural or expected response to social settings. This modeling can directly impact how children view their own ability to engage with others in the future.


The Anxiety-Modeling Connection


One of the strongest predictors of social anxiety in children is the presence of anxious or avoidant social behaviors in their caregivers. When parents model anxiety—whether it's nervousness in social interactions, avoidance of public speaking, or retreating from social gatherings—the child often perceives these actions as normal ways to handle stress. Over time, these modeled behaviors can become internalized.


This cycle creates a pattern: as the child grows, their social anxiety increases due to the lack of learned coping mechanisms or healthy social engagement strategies. Instead of learning how to comfortably navigate social situations, they learn how to avoid them, becoming more isolated and further entrenching feelings of fear and inadequacy.


The Impact of Peer and Teacher Modeling


While parental influence is powerful, other figures in a child’s life, such as teachers and peers, also play significant roles. A teacher who frequently shows signs of social discomfort or who struggles to engage with the class in a lively, approachable way might teach children to avoid making eye contact, speaking up in group settings, or expressing opinions openly. Similarly, peers who experience or model bullying, exclusion, or social rejection can amplify feelings of isolation, making it harder for children to engage positively with others.


The emotional landscape of childhood—shaped by these various influences—becomes the foundation on which social anxiety can take root. Children are not just learning how to speak or make friends—they’re absorbing how to feel about these interactions. Are they safe? Are they something to be feared? Are they worth avoiding?


Can We Break the Cycle?


While childhood modeling has a significant impact on social anxiety, the good news is that it’s possible to interrupt this cycle. Awareness is key. By recognizing the role that caregivers, peers, and educators play in shaping a child’s social framework, we can create environments that promote healthy social skills and reduce the risk of anxiety-based behaviors.


Children who grow up with positive role models—adults who manage their social anxieties, engage with others confidently, and model healthy coping strategies—are much more likely to develop social resilience. And while it’s impossible to change the past, we can take steps to reframe the present. Therapy, peer support, and education for both parents and children can offer new tools and models for dealing with social interactions in healthier ways.


Breaking the Silence: A Powerful Choice


If we want to reduce the prevalence of social anxiety in future generations, we must examine the powerful influence of modeling from childhood. The more we understand and address how these patterns develop, the better equipped we’ll be to help children face the world with confidence, not fear.


So, as a parent, teacher, or mentor, what kind of social model are you setting for the children around you? Are you preparing them to face the world with courage, or are you unintentionally teaching them to retreat from it?


💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?


Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉



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Surviving the Storm: Navigating Life as a Child of a Borderline Parent

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Nov 30, 2024

Life as a child of a borderline parent can feel like walking on emotional eggshells, never knowing what mood or behavior you'll face next. The unpredictability and intensity of such a home environment can leave lasting scars, making it difficult to trust others or form stable relationships in adulthood.

Surviving the Storm: Navigating Life as a Child of a Borderline Parent

Growing up in a household with a parent diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can feel like living in a constant emotional whirlwind. The unpredictability, emotional intensity, and occasional volatility can leave deep imprints on a child’s mental health and sense of self. As an adult, you may find yourself navigating your own mental health struggles, emotional triggers, and complex relationships, all while trying to understand the effects of being raised by a parent with BPD.


What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?


Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotions. This instability often leads to impulsive behaviors, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty maintaining relationships.


The DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD include:


  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. This can manifest in extreme emotional reactions or actions to prevent perceived rejection or abandonment.


  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation (known as "splitting").


  3. Identity disturbance: A marked and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self, which can lead to sudden changes in goals, values, or career plans.


  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).


  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior (e.g., cutting, burning).


  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodes of dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days).


  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, which can lead to a sense of numbness or an unfulfilled emotional void.


  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or physical fights).


  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.


For a child growing up with a borderline parent, these behaviors can create an unpredictable environment that makes it difficult to feel safe, loved, or secure. As a result, children of borderline parents often face emotional challenges that can affect their own relationships, self-esteem, and emotional regulation.


Borderline Mother vs. Borderline Father: How the Impact Differs


While the effects of being raised by a borderline parent can be significant regardless of the parent’s gender, there are some key differences in how a borderline mother and father may impact a child’s development.


A Borderline Mother


A mother with BPD may create an environment where emotional support is inconsistent, leading to feelings of confusion and insecurity. A borderline mother might:


  • Demand constant validation: A child may feel like their worth is based entirely on their ability to meet their mother’s emotional needs. This can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy when they fail to provide the validation she craves.


  • Use emotional manipulation: Intense moods, sudden outbursts, or periods of emotional withdrawal can leave the child feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, unsure of how to “keep the peace.”


  • Parentification: In some cases, a child might feel responsible for the mother’s emotional well-being, which can place undue pressure on them and interfere with healthy emotional development.


Children of borderline mothers often struggle with issues of self-worth and may have difficulty setting boundaries in relationships later in life. They may also experience challenges in trusting others or in maintaining a sense of emotional stability.


A Borderline Father


A father with BPD may create an environment where fear, anger, or withdrawal dominate the household. The impact on children may include:


  • Emotional volatility and anger: A borderline father might express love in extreme ways, alternating between affection and intense anger. This can lead to confusion, as the child struggles to reconcile the love and aggression they experience.


  • Fear of abandonment: Just as borderline mothers may have a fear of abandonment, so too might a borderline father, but he may react in more controlling or neglectful ways, leaving the child feeling emotionally rejected or lost.


  • Inconsistent parenting: The child may never know what to expect from their father, leading to a lack of structure and stability in their emotional development. This inconsistency can impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in future relationships.


Children of borderline fathers may grow up feeling unworthy of affection or struggle to navigate relationships with men, finding themselves drawn to partners who mirror the instability they experienced at home.


Self-Care for Children of Borderline Parents: How to Break the Cycle


Growing up with a borderline parent can create long-lasting emotional scars, but it’s important to remember that it’s possible to break the cycle. Here are some ways to prioritize self-care and heal from the impact of a borderline parent:


1. Understand Your Emotional Triggers


People raised by borderline parents often have strong emotional reactions to things like criticism, rejection, or emotional withdrawal. These triggers are rooted in childhood experiences and may cause disproportionate feelings of fear or anxiety in adulthood. By identifying these triggers and understanding their origin, you can begin to regulate your emotions and respond more mindfully in your relationships.


2. Set Healthy Boundaries


Setting boundaries can be particularly challenging for children of borderline parents, as they may have grown up in an environment where boundaries were either nonexistent or violated. Learning to assert yourself and protect your emotional well-being is crucial. It’s okay to say “no” and prioritize your own needs, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.


3. Seek Therapy and Support


Therapy can be an invaluable tool for unpacking the emotional challenges that come with being raised by a borderline parent. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are especially helpful for individuals who struggle with emotional regulation and interpersonal issues. A therapist can help you work through past trauma, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and build stronger emotional resilience.

Additionally, joining support groups with others who have had similar experiences can provide validation and a sense of community. Connecting with others who understand can help you feel less isolated in your journey.


4. Practice Self-Compassion


Children of borderline parents often grow up feeling responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can lead to feelings of shame or guilt, especially when you’re unable to “fix” your parent’s behavior. It’s important to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are not responsible for your parent’s actions or emotions. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to be kind to yourself as you work through your experiences.


5. Build Healthy Relationships


Forming healthy, supportive relationships is essential to breaking the cycle of dysfunction. Take your time in choosing friends and partners who respect your boundaries, communicate openly, and offer emotional stability. Remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional support—qualities that may not have been present in your childhood home.


Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Life


Being raised by a borderline parent can be challenging, but it does not have to define you. With the right tools, support, and self-care practices, it is possible to heal and build a life full of emotional balance, healthy relationships, and self-compassion. By understanding the impact of a borderline parent, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking therapy, you can break the cycle of emotional chaos and reclaim your peace. Healing is a journey, but with every step you take, you’re building a stronger, more resilient version of yourself. 💙


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