It Didn’t Start With You—But It Can End With You: Breaking the Cycle of Generational Trauma
- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Breaking the cycle of generational trauma begins with awareness and the brave decision to do things differently—even when it’s hard. By choosing healing over silence, we create a new legacy where pain doesn’t get passed down, but transformed.
We inherit more than our grandmother’s eyes or our father’s laugh—we carry stories, unspoken rules, and survival patterns passed down like heirlooms. But not all inheritances are visible. Generational trauma is the emotional and psychological pain passed from one generation to the next, often without a name or language to describe it. It can show up as anxiety that never seems to have a source, patterns of emotional neglect, or relationship dynamics that feel impossible to change.
Breaking this cycle doesn’t mean blaming our parents or shaming the past—it means recognizing what we’ve carried and choosing, consciously, to do something different. And while that journey is deeply personal, it’s also profoundly healing for future generations.
Where Does Generational Trauma Begin?
Often, it begins with a traumatic event that overwhelms a person or community's ability to cope—war, abuse, neglect, addiction, racism, forced displacement. When left unprocessed, the emotional fallout can shape parenting styles, attachment, and core beliefs about safety, love, and worth.
Trauma may be passed down biologically (studies in epigenetics have shown trauma can affect gene expression) and behaviorally (through modeling, silence, or overcompensation). A child raised in a household where emotional expression was unsafe may grow up to unconsciously repeat those same dynamics—or swing to the other extreme.
What Breaking the Cycle Looks Like
Breaking generational trauma isn't about being perfect—it’s about being intentional. It might look like:
Naming the pattern: Acknowledging that what you experienced wasn’t “normal,” even if it was common in your family.
Seeking therapy: Especially trauma-informed therapy like EMDR, IFS, or somatic approaches, to help process what your nervous system learned long ago.
Setting boundaries: With family members who may still operate from a place of hurt or denial.
Learning new parenting tools: If you're a parent or caregiver, practicing conscious, respectful, and attuned parenting can change everything.
Building emotional literacy: Learning how to sit with difficult feelings, communicate needs, and stay grounded.
Forgiveness—not as approval, but release: Sometimes we carry anger that was never ours. Forgiveness can be a way of setting ourselves free.
Turning the Tide in the Moment: How to Interrupt the Cycle
One of the most powerful ways to break trauma cycles is in real-time—during those everyday moments that used to tip into explosions or shutdowns. Here are examples of how to turn anger and frustration into healing:
You feel yourself about to yell at your child: Instead of repeating what was done to you, pause. Take a breath. Say aloud, "I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I need a moment to calm down so I can respond with care." You’re modeling regulation—not perfection.
Your partner triggers you, and you want to withdraw or lash out: You pause and say, "I want to connect with you, but I'm feeling activated right now. Can we take a break and come back to this in 10 minutes?" You’re showing that space is a form of love, not rejection.
Your child spills something and the reflex to punish rises: Instead of reacting, you kneel to their level and say, "Mistakes happen. Let's clean this up together." You’re teaching that mistakes aren’t met with fear but with growth.
These micro-moments of intention are where the deepest generational healing happens.
Healing Is Contagious
When one person heals, they shift the emotional tone of an entire family system. Children of parents who seek healing often grow up with a healthier foundation for relationships and self-worth. And even if the rest of your family isn’t on board, your inner work can still echo through generations.
When the Family Won’t Acknowledge the Pain
One of the hardest parts? Doing this work when those around you deny anything ever happened. The silence can feel louder than the trauma. But your healing doesn’t require their permission. It requires your truth, your courage, and often, a supportive therapist or community who can help you remember you’re not crazy—you’re breaking cycles.
Start Small, But Start
You don’t have to rewrite the whole family story overnight. Start with one step: journaling your truth, finding a therapist, reading a book on trauma, or practicing self-compassion. Each small act is a thread in a new legacy—one you get to weave.
So Here’s the Question:
If it didn’t start with you—but you could end it—what would you want your story to become?
Comments