Scars That Speak: What If Healing Isn’t About “Getting Over” Childhood Abuse?
- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- 22 minutes ago
- 3 min read
Healing isn’t about “getting over” your past; it’s about learning to live alongside it with compassion and understanding. True healing comes from acknowledging your pain, honoring your story, and carrying it in a way that empowers rather than diminishes you.
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For many survivors of childhood abuse, life often feels like walking a tightrope between two versions of themselves: the child who endured the pain and the adult society expects to function as though nothing happened. Friends, family, and even professionals may encourage phrases like, “You need to get over it” or “Just move forward.” While well-intentioned, these words can feel like a pressure cooker, invalidating the deep, lasting impact of trauma. Healing is not linear, and the expectation to appear “strong” can make survivors feel even more isolated. The question arises: is the real challenge learning to move on—or learning to live alongside what happened in a way that no longer harms us?
The Invisible Weight of Early Wounds
Childhood abuse leaves marks that are rarely visible to the outside world. The nervous system remembers before the conscious mind does. A sudden spike in anxiety, an unexplainable flash of anger, or a recurring sense of dread might emerge without warning—reminders of early experiences that shaped survival strategies in a world that was unsafe. These wounds are not simply psychological; they are stored in the body, influencing everything from emotional regulation to physical health. Survivors often describe a constant tension, a quiet alertness that doesn’t switch off, even decades later. It is this invisible weight that complicates the idea of “getting over” the past—it is not something that can be neatly filed away.
Healing Isn’t Erasing
Many people equate healing with forgetting, with erasing the difficult chapters of life as though they never existed. But true healing is far more nuanced. It involves learning to hold one’s story with compassion rather than shame. It means recognizing that emotional reactions—anger, fear, sadness—are not personal failures, but adaptations that once kept a child alive. Healing is about integrating these experiences into a coherent narrative, allowing them to inform, but not control, who we are today. It is about transforming pain into understanding, not pretending it never happened.
Reclaiming Your Story
For survivors, reclaiming their story is a pivotal step. This process often begins with releasing blame—not for others, but for oneself. Many survivors carry the weight of responsibility for protecting abusive caregivers or for somehow “causing” the pain they endured. Letting go of these internalized narratives is profoundly liberating. It allows survivors to acknowledge the truth of their experiences and give space for grief, anger, or sorrow without judgment. Reclaiming the story is not a one-time event; it is an ongoing process of reflection, acceptance, and, ultimately, empowerment.
Carrying, Not Denying
Healing does not mean erasing the past, nor does it require detachment from it. Instead, it involves carrying it differently—allowing the memories to exist without letting them dictate present or future choices. Survivors learn strategies to soothe their nervous systems, set boundaries, and cultivate resilience. They may seek therapy, journaling, meditation, or trusted relationships to process and integrate experiences. The goal is not to become “unscarred” but to live fully, even with the scars—carrying them as a testament to endurance rather than a source of shame or limitation.
The Question That Changes Everything
The most eye-opening insight may be this: what if healing isn’t about “getting over” your past at all? What if it’s about giving yourself permission to feel your story, honor it, and grow from it on your own terms? Survivors don’t have to erase the past to reclaim joy, peace, or connection. They only need to learn that their experiences, painful as they may be, are a part of them—but do not have to define the rest of their lives.
What if the key to healing isn’t “getting over” your past—but finally giving yourself the freedom to feel it, name it, and grow from it in a way that truly honors your journey?
💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?
Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉
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