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  • Writer's pictureJulie Y Barris

My Husband Is Secretly Communicating With His Ex-wife. How Do I Handle His Dishonesty?

Secrets can kill a perfectly good marriage. Why can't he be honest?

Hi Julie,

I checked my phone records and found out my husband has been calling his ex-wife. He vehemently denied it stating it was his son's number. I checked his wallet and a letter M was beside the number. He calls her Marie. Fast forward to now he's still calling her because it's in the records. He is home with me all the time, but I can't understand why he won't be honest. I feel that it's something to it because he won't stop calling her. I am ready to leave because it's making me not trust him at all. Advice please!

— Cuddy


Dear Cuddy,

Looks like you are dealing with some serious trust issue with your husband. Before you jump to the worst conclusion in your head, you may want to consider letting him have the #benefitofthedoubt. I'm not sure if you've already told him what you know, but ultimately, #effectivecommunication is the key out of your problem, given that your husband is willing to listen to your concern.

What You Can Do

Tell him what you know if you haven't yet. It makes no sense you guys need to hide things from each other, you are a married couple for God's sake! So if you haven't told him that you know he's been talking to his ex yet, I would tell him now if I were you. He might not react well at first but then again, it's good when everything is out in the open, so THEN you can finally talk about it. Remember: confront does not equal accuse. Allow him to explain everything to you.

Let him have the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people lie to one another because they fear how that person would react to what they are doing, even though what they are doing is totally innocent. Strange, isn't it? Your husband might not want to tell you about talking to his ex because he fears you somehow won't be understanding, or, he simply does not want to pick a fight with you. Especially IF you have previously fought because of his ex, he probably knows you are extra #sensitive about such subject. In the end, he holds the answer to all the mystery. So to make him talk, first you can't already be mad!

"Remember: confront does not equal accuse. Allow him to explain everything to you."

Voice your concern calmly. Is it just about him not telling you about his talking to his ex? Or is there jealousy involved? If he is a jerk to begin with, as in he is out to hurt you (if you believe that about him strongly, pack your bag and leave now girl!), there's no talking here then. BUT, from what you are telling me, it sounds to me he's not that kind of a guy. So if he's a #decent enough guy, he WILL listen to your concern. Instead of watching TV tonight, maybe spend a night to just sit and chat. Let him know how it bothers you that he's not being completely #honest with you and that you value his honesty in your marriage.

No one could get in the way of a #strongrelationship, period. If he loves you, he will care about your concern after understanding how important #honesty is to your marriage. If you love him, there should not be #jealousy and #mistrust simply because he talks to his ex, especially when he shares a child with this person. IF in the end of everything, he continues to be dishonest and is unwilling to work with you when you've done your best communicating with him, I'm so sorry Cuddy, because you deserve so much more!

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Julie Y. Barris

Founder | Chief Editor | Advice Guru of Moody Melon Magazine

I am an author, artist, entrepreneur, and a graphic designer with a unique vision to contribute to the world one idea at a time. Besides creating and inventing things, I’m also fascinated by the human mind. I enjoy helping others help themselves by giving them advice on family and relationship matters.


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